The Whitest Kids U'Know (2007–2011)
Sam Brown: Various
Photos
Quotes
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Father : You see boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we've grown tired of the mundane and the routine. At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extra marital affairs.
Trevor : [grossed out] Aw, dad...
Father : Hey, hey, let me finish. So to avoid the pitfalls that affect so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial "sack".
Trevor : Aw, come on!
Father : Hey, hey, hold on! So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole!
Trevor , Zach , Sam : Oh, dad!
Sam : Be quiet!
Father : Hey, hey, now that's called being a good dad! Everybody's happy! Your mom's happy she's not being cheated on, I'm definitely happy, and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop! That family's all together!
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Angry Mormon Father : [constantly shouting] Timothy! Come here!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Yes, father.
Petrified Mormon Mother : Timothy, your father and I...
Angry Mormon Father : SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : [nods] Yes.
Angry Mormon Father : However, today is your thirteenth birthday!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.
Angry Mormon Father : Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I...
[he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]
Angry Mormon Father : Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11:30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!
Petrified Mormon Mother : [murmurs incoherently]
Angry Mormon Father : SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake.
[they touch hands]
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!
Angry Mormon Father : Happy birthday, son.
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Thank you, sir!
