Petrified is about an artifact that turns out to be an alien who comes back to life and turns some people to stone while draining others of blood. Then there's the hand from the Adams Family that creeps around strangling people. The movie is meant to be full of puns and wacky, as it takes place in a nymph hospital with a weird doctor trying to cure death using hormone therapy. A few drinks will make this film much better. Some continuity and dialog breaks made on the cheapest of budgets. If you're looking for a good film with a serious plot and screenplay, skip this one. If you're looking for a C film that's corny as hell, this is for you.
13 Reviews
Pretty Awful, even for Charles Band
JoeB13122 April 2007
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was pretty awful...
Besides stealing names from Star Trek episodes for their one-dimensional characters (I have to wonder, did the writers actually WATCH those Trek episodes, and understand how good characters are developed?) this is your typical screaming half-naked women being picked off by clichéd one-dimensional monster in big dark house movie.
Set in a clinic for treating nymphomaniacs (snicker, snicker) A government agent is on the trail of an ALIEN mummy. That's right, he's not just a mummy, he's an ALIEN mummy, who apparently sucks the life force out of people or claws them to death. Not sure why he does both, but he does.
And I've always wondered, why do monsters in movies like this always kill people while they are engaged in carnal relations? I mean, do these monsters have something against sex?
Besides stealing names from Star Trek episodes for their one-dimensional characters (I have to wonder, did the writers actually WATCH those Trek episodes, and understand how good characters are developed?) this is your typical screaming half-naked women being picked off by clichéd one-dimensional monster in big dark house movie.
Set in a clinic for treating nymphomaniacs (snicker, snicker) A government agent is on the trail of an ALIEN mummy. That's right, he's not just a mummy, he's an ALIEN mummy, who apparently sucks the life force out of people or claws them to death. Not sure why he does both, but he does.
And I've always wondered, why do monsters in movies like this always kill people while they are engaged in carnal relations? I mean, do these monsters have something against sex?
Unfunny comedy, unhorrific horror ...
parry_na18 January 2016
Warning: Spoilers
I'm not sure I see what inspires people to make films like this. Parodies are fine, but when the parody itself is made with much less money and sophistication than the genre it is parodying, it's difficult to see the point.
I am assuming 'Petrified' is one such film. It doesn't invite itself to be taken seriously, yet there is nothing here particularly amusing. The most successful aspect of it is the main creature (a vampire mummy who turns many of its victims to stone). For a low budget venture, I've seen far less convincing monsters. And yet any scene with the creature is played and shot so badly that even the most invested viewer must find it hard to take things seriously.
To allow for some mild titillation, events occur in a hospital designed to cure nymphomania. We see lesbians attempting to have sex. I mention this because it leads to a joke in the script which demonstrates the level of finesse on display. Experiments are being carried out of some patients allowing them to appear younger than their real age.
"She's actually 61 years old", points out the doctor. "Ew," pouts her lover. "You mean I've been muff-diving an old hag?"
Another gem is this: "This is not of terrestrial origin." "What, you mean like E.T.?"
I might not 'get' this film, and that's fair enough. If there are those that find this entertaining, then I'm glad: presumably those who wrote and produced it had a hoot. But it really isn't for me.
I am assuming 'Petrified' is one such film. It doesn't invite itself to be taken seriously, yet there is nothing here particularly amusing. The most successful aspect of it is the main creature (a vampire mummy who turns many of its victims to stone). For a low budget venture, I've seen far less convincing monsters. And yet any scene with the creature is played and shot so badly that even the most invested viewer must find it hard to take things seriously.
To allow for some mild titillation, events occur in a hospital designed to cure nymphomania. We see lesbians attempting to have sex. I mention this because it leads to a joke in the script which demonstrates the level of finesse on display. Experiments are being carried out of some patients allowing them to appear younger than their real age.
"She's actually 61 years old", points out the doctor. "Ew," pouts her lover. "You mean I've been muff-diving an old hag?"
Another gem is this: "This is not of terrestrial origin." "What, you mean like E.T.?"
I might not 'get' this film, and that's fair enough. If there are those that find this entertaining, then I'm glad: presumably those who wrote and produced it had a hoot. But it really isn't for me.
I asked for my money back because it as that bad
seth-2533 September 2007
I rented "Petrified" from my local RedBox. As soon as I saw the Full Moon logo, I had a bad feeling that I just wasted a buck. Hey, it could've been worse--renting from Block Buster for four and change. That hurts more. Thank god I no longer go to any Block Busters! But I have to say that Petrified has been added to my "worst list." I had some pretty good picks at RedBox (The Host, Abandoned)but after seeing this stink bomb, I began to have my doubts that someone was a sleep at the wheel. This was by far, the dumbest movie of all time. Special effects? Ha ha ha! Some guy standing in the bushes wrapped in toilet tissue, supposed to be an alien mummy. I was so annoyed for renting this direct to DVD piece of junk that I called RedBox to complain. That was the first time I asked for my money back based on a poorly made movie. How did this even get into RedBox? Someone at Full Moon (maybe one of the dopey actresses in Petrified) must be sleeping with the purchaser at RedBox. That's all I can think of. Stay away from this mess of a movie with 7th grade production values.
My Latest "Worst Film Ever."
chris-260716 October 2006
I have to start keeping a log of movies watched. If I've ever seen a worse film, I can't remember it.
Utter ordure from beginning to end. I won't dignify it with with any analysis or description beyond that, except to say that there's a brief, hopeful moment when we learn that the setting is a "clinic for the treatment of nymphomania," but alas...
I don't know what the other reviewer is drinking - I like bourbon, and the only way I can imagine liquor making this "film" any better is during that brief, fleeting moment of vivid hallucination (that we're watching some other movie, perhaps?) that comes right after hepatic shutdown, and just before irreversible coma.
Utter ordure from beginning to end. I won't dignify it with with any analysis or description beyond that, except to say that there's a brief, hopeful moment when we learn that the setting is a "clinic for the treatment of nymphomania," but alas...
I don't know what the other reviewer is drinking - I like bourbon, and the only way I can imagine liquor making this "film" any better is during that brief, fleeting moment of vivid hallucination (that we're watching some other movie, perhaps?) that comes right after hepatic shutdown, and just before irreversible coma.
Absolute rubbish
fairlesssam15 July 2017
I was extremely disappointed by this film. It truly is complete rubbish. There is nothing good about it at all.
Petrified is about an ancient artefact that is being delivered in the dark of night which turns out to be a mummy-type alien who comes back to life and begins a rampage of turning people to stone. The deal of passing the artefact is carried out in a graveyard which happens to be situated next to a nymphomaniac hospital. The hospital is full of sex mad women and an eccentric doctor who is actually trying to cure death using hormone therapy.
This movie is so bad, the effects are horrendous, I felt like I was watching a movie shot in the 1960's. The characters are completely linear, there is no character development, history or depth on any level. It's not even a B movie, it's a Z movie.
There is nothing worth seeing here, absolutely shockingly bad.
Petrified is about an ancient artefact that is being delivered in the dark of night which turns out to be a mummy-type alien who comes back to life and begins a rampage of turning people to stone. The deal of passing the artefact is carried out in a graveyard which happens to be situated next to a nymphomaniac hospital. The hospital is full of sex mad women and an eccentric doctor who is actually trying to cure death using hormone therapy.
This movie is so bad, the effects are horrendous, I felt like I was watching a movie shot in the 1960's. The characters are completely linear, there is no character development, history or depth on any level. It's not even a B movie, it's a Z movie.
There is nothing worth seeing here, absolutely shockingly bad.
i don't know what to say really ... oh wait yes i do ....
ericxton3 June 2007
Warning: Spoilers
OK ... i must say .... full moon ... whats going on with you guys ??? your turning into troma now ?!?!?!?!? OK the monster / alien/ mummy guy was cool looked great for alien mummy .... and the idea for the film was freaking great ...come on, mad doc using sexually over stimulated chicks for eternal youth experiments ??? and the mummy stumbles across them all ....nice .. i read the back and thought wow this will either be a great monster movie or a well thought out porno ..lol...well ...neither happened .... only one set of titties the whole show ... i think ... and if i cant remember them then what was the point of them being there to start with ?.... now im not sure but im thinking that full moon is just doing the troma idea now and buying other peoples films and distributing them under the name of the company ...well BAD IDEA FULL MOON PEOPLE !!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT !!!! OR YOU WILL SOON BE THE NEXT TROMA !!!!!!!!! and troma used to be great and would give you insane of the wall movies for your buck ...and now ..good god they just buy crappy films from film students that don't know whats going on half the time and slap it under a troma film ... when i heard full moon was back in business i was happy .... i loved the classics .... so i thought i would give it a shot and see what the new stuff was like ... well ... stick to the doll movies man ... and go back to making them yourself for the love of all things full moon ...please before its too late...
(4), vocalist GOD IN A MACHINE
(4), vocalist GOD IN A MACHINE
Horrendously poor
Leofwine_draca19 February 2019
Warning: Spoilers
PETRIFIED is another horrendously poor horror flick from Full Moon Pictures, directed by Charles Band, no less. There's no money in sight here and even less in the way of sense. An ancient mummy is revived by blood to go on the rampage, and it turns out to be possessed by an alien or some kind of nonsense. The action is centred around a brothel where there's a lot of lesbian sex and exposition and nothing in the way of proper scripting or storytelling. There really is nothing good I can say about this at all.
ed woods 2008???
tommy61986-125 September 2008
charles band is indeed the ed wood of our era..this movie was done and over in 65min.full moon is robbing us in the redbox for a buck.iam a true monster fan but this one was the worst of all of the full moon madness DVD .band's puppets are even better to watch then this guy wrap with toilet paper and turning people into stone.more time were spend on some kind of a lesbo scene,which was the best highlight of the movie.charles band should be banned from stealing other people's money.no plots,no acting,no screenplay,no gore,no f/x and band as the director was sleeping doing this piece of junk..ed woods is laughing from his grave..please don't make a part two..a junk is a junk and a movie is a movie..watch it for free instead.
Everything mostly a miss for this Band outing
radioactivesound13 January 2022
Pretty much everything thrown up at the screen for this one was a miss.
The problem is the bare bones plot, direction, and effects that did make it up on the screen.
The movie minus opening and closing credits runs about less than an hour.
That's how little is there.
An alien mummy which is all it is ever explained as is quickly re-animated when an artifacts collector is killed and bleeds on it. A hand from another alien or etc. Mummy also is revived but it is never explained how.
The mummy then goes into a nearby unguarded and unstaffed nymphomaniac clinic where there are barely any nymphos and causes havoc there for the rest of the scant movie.
A federal investigator also seeks refuge in the clinic who ends up battling the mummy along with a female trying to break her sister out of it.
The effects, kills, pacing, how the mummy is warded off at times and then defeated are all 3rd rate even for a low budget movie.
Just mostly a miss on everything. Maybe it should be comforting it was so short.
The one thing Band mostly tried to sell for the movie is that he gave everybody an executive producer credit that bought $100 or more of merchandise at a stop on his Roadshow tour in 2005. That unfortunately doesn't make a movie any better in any way for the viewer.....
The problem is the bare bones plot, direction, and effects that did make it up on the screen.
The movie minus opening and closing credits runs about less than an hour.
That's how little is there.
An alien mummy which is all it is ever explained as is quickly re-animated when an artifacts collector is killed and bleeds on it. A hand from another alien or etc. Mummy also is revived but it is never explained how.
The mummy then goes into a nearby unguarded and unstaffed nymphomaniac clinic where there are barely any nymphos and causes havoc there for the rest of the scant movie.
A federal investigator also seeks refuge in the clinic who ends up battling the mummy along with a female trying to break her sister out of it.
The effects, kills, pacing, how the mummy is warded off at times and then defeated are all 3rd rate even for a low budget movie.
Just mostly a miss on everything. Maybe it should be comforting it was so short.
The one thing Band mostly tried to sell for the movie is that he gave everybody an executive producer credit that bought $100 or more of merchandise at a stop on his Roadshow tour in 2005. That unfortunately doesn't make a movie any better in any way for the viewer.....
No toilet papers was wasted for this schlock fest.
oldsvolvo31 March 2024
When you watch movies like this you can not expect much; disappointment will surely follow. Full Moon productions are z movies but with a surprise. The actors really do buy into what ever schlock there are in. Schlock is a compliment. The filming and editing seem to work out most if the time...keep the vid cam rolling. So to this movie...it has all you would want in a Full Moon movie...monsters... a sapphic scene...cheesy dialogue...I hope you get the Full Moon picture. 126 more characters to go. So watch on a free stream...I can see asking for a refund if you rented it...but you did rent and watch it....🤔. Have fun as always folks!
Horrific Comedy, hilarious horror!
lanceulot7913 July 2019
Since I already had an idea what to expect, I went in with an open mind. I hate the idea of giving this company money to eatch this, but I didnt, so no loss. I havent laughed this hard at even a comedy, but dont pass this film up. I use film loosely. Best enjoyed with large amounts of whiskey and an innocent bystander. I gave it a 10, cause this is by far, and that is saying something, the worst (in an almost good way) movie I've ever seen. Please watch. Good luck.
Schlocky, Tongue in Cheek Fun
throneofanguish-2090623 January 2020
This flick felt like a modern spin on the Ed Wood motif. A petrified alien mummy monster prowls the grounds of a nymphomaniac clinic, freezing and sometimes killing the hot chicks who are found in various states of undress. It's got cornball dialogue and don't expect a script like Alien; in fact, if you've read the synopsis, seen that it is a Full Moon flick, and even now are reading this review, then you know what you are getting. If you are expecting a great horror epic, then you will be disappointed. If you want a modern, campy, goofball riff on an Ed Wood motif, then you'll like it. Watch it with friends.
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