Family Guy (TV Series)

Bango Was His Name Oh! (2006)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Wilford Brimley, Man #4, Green Shirt Guy, Last Crucify Knight, Guy on Phone, Quark Griffin, Old Hipster

Photos 

Quotes 

• Meg Griffin : [Peter uses the new TiVo]  Dad, what are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, I'm fast-forwarding through these pesky TV shows so I can get to the commercials.

  Wilford Brimley : Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. And then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

• Brian Griffin : [Stewie loads luggage onto his Big Wheel]  Don't tell me you're going to California on that.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, bicycling is hard, but it has its benefits. Did you know Lance Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow? You know, it really speaks to her character that she can get past the whole "he had cancer" thing and still find him sexually attractive. Really speaks to her character. I-I respect that.

  Glenn Quagmire : Hey, Brian, what do you think of my sign?

  Brian Griffin : [seeing the banner on his Winnebago]  "Quagmire's Cross-Cuntry Tour." Uh, isn't there an "O" in "country"?

  Glenn Quagmire : Nope. Look out, California, here I come!

  Stewie Griffin : [gasping in excitement]  California!

  Brian Griffin : [he collects his Big Wheel]  What are you doing?

  Stewie Griffin : Well, you heard Captain Syphilis. We're going to California.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, come on, you can't go alone with Quagmire. Look, I'll tell you what, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, they won't even know we're gone.

  [taking out a remote control, he presses its button, and two robots resembling him and Brian emerge from the closet in his room] 

  Stewie Griffin : Damn you, vile woman. Blast. What the deuce.

  Brian Griffin : I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

• Brian Griffin : [as the Winnebago revs up]  What the hell are you doing? Where's Quagmire?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, He said to go on without him.

  Brian Griffin : We're stealing the Winnebago aren't we?

  [Unsurprised] 

  Stewie Griffin : [In a sing song tone]  Oh, you can read me like a book Brian.

• Peter Griffin : Ah, sweet, Quagmire! You got a Winnebago.

  Glenn Quagmire : You mean a wanna-bang-o!

  Lois Griffin : [fake chuckle]  Oh, how clever.

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah, I'm gonna take her across the country and nail a different broad in every state. Also gonna go to Vegas.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, we went to Vegas once. Remember, Lois? We saw the Jew Man Group?

• Tom Tucker : We now go live to the streets of San Francisco with Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. Diane, is she Chinese or Japanese?

  Diane Simmons : She's Japanese, Tom.

  Tom Tucker : Wow. I know a Japanese woman.

  Tricia Takanawa : Tom, I'm standing here amidst the heated debate over a recent petition to change the name of the city from San Francisco to something a little less gay.

• Stewie Griffin : Please, forgive me, Mr. Oinkbaum. You will be missed.

  [smashing open a piggy bank] 

  Stewie Griffin : There we are.

  Brian Griffin : What are you doing?

  Stewie Griffin : None of your beeswax, Ramona. But if you must know, I need a plane ticket to San Francisco.

  Brian Griffin : Heh, good luck. Plane tickets are about 450 bucks.

  Stewie Griffin : Four hundred... Brian, hit me in the mouth.

  Brian Griffin : What? Why?

  Stewie Griffin : I hear this Tooth Fairy gives you money for your teeth. Have at it.

  Brian Griffin : Uh... okay.

  Stewie Griffin : [cowering as Brian raises his fist]  No, no, don't, don't, don't, stop, stop! Why did you stop? I said hit me.

  Brian Griffin : You flinched.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, of course I flinched. You were going to hit me.

  Brian Griffin : Well, make up your mind. What do you want me to do?

  Stewie Griffin : Hit me.

  [cowering again] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ah, no! No, no, don't, don't!

  [Brian heaves a groaning sigh] 

  Stewie Griffin : I'm sorry. Look, I know I'm being hard to read.

  [Brian punches him] 

• Stewie Griffin : [to earn money for a plane ticket, he tries selling lemonade]  Hey, you there. Buy this yellow drink.

  [Bonnie passes by] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, preggo. Preggo! Hey, hey, I'm talking to you, tubby! Oh, don't you ignore me. Ooh...!

  [another potential customer passes by] 

  Stewie Griffin : Pardon me, sir. S-Sir? Sir? Oh, the hell with this.

  [grabbing a baseball bat, Stewie kneecaps him and the man yells in pain] 

  Stewie Griffin : [hitting him over the head, too]  So, we had to do it the hard way, hmm?

  [taking some money from the man's wallet] 

  Stewie Griffin : Six bucks?

  [glancing at the wallet] 

  Stewie Griffin : Nice-looking wife you've got. Maybe I'll look her up while you're in the hospital.

  [leaving and coming back] 

  Stewie Griffin : Don't forget your lemonade.

  [he spills it on the man's head] 

• Peter Griffin : [in the bathtub]  Care to join me, Lois?

  Lois Griffin : [giggling]  Ohh... uh, Peter, how am I supposed to...

  Peter Griffin : Oh, oh, oh, sorry, sorry. Where are my manners?

  Lois Griffin : [he pulls back his belly fat]  Oh, what a gentleman.

  Peter Griffin : [she gets in]  There you go.

  Lois Griffin : [letting go, his stomach smacks her in the face, and she hits her head on the tub faucet]  Ahh!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, oh, God! Oh, you okay? You all right, honey?

• Chris Griffin : Mom, Meg says Omar Sharif is dead, but I think she's thinking of Anthony Quinn.

  Lois Griffin : [covering herself]  Chris, your father and I are in the tub. And, Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn. Now, get out!

  [they leave] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, this is ridiculous. We have no privacy here. We gotta get those kids out of the house once in a while. I mean, shouldn't they be dating?

  Peter Griffin : Eh, that doesn't solve the problem, Lois. If they start dating, I mean, their-their rooms are right next to each other, they'll start having sex, we'll never get 'em out of the house, and...

  Lois Griffin : No, no, no. You idiot, I'm talking about them dating other people.

• Glenn Quagmire : [taking Brian and Stewie on his cross-country RV trip]  Glad you guys are joining me.

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, did you guys see "Three Men and a Baby"?

  Brian Griffin : Yeah.

  Stewie Griffin : Did you know there's a ghost in there behind the window?

  Brian Griffin : That's an urban legend. It's just a piece of cardboard.

  Stewie Griffin : No, it's a ghost. I heard.

  Brian Griffin : You heard from who?

  Stewie Griffin : From, uh... Lois.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, right.

  Stewie Griffin : Cleveland?

  Brian Griffin : No.

  Stewie Griffin : Death?

  Brian Griffin : No.

  Stewie Griffin : Greased-Up Deaf Guy?

  Brian Griffin : He said that?

• Brian Griffin : You know, San Francisco is a big place. Have you thought about how you're gonna find this guy?

  Stewie Griffin : Simple, Brian. Look at this.

  [showing him a picture of Future Stewie, a pen is visible in his sweater pocket with a hotel's name on it] 

  Stewie Griffin : My God, this poor fellow had relations with Lois. That's more disgusting than my cousin Quark Griffin.

  Odo : [cut to Deep Space 9]  I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any lawbreaking.

  Quark Griffin : Yeah, yeah, whatever, man.

  Odo : I mean it. You'll have me to deal with.

  Quark Griffin : Oh, I'm really scared.

  Odo : I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive.

  Quark Griffin : Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about?

• Peter Griffin : Kids, your mother and I have decided that we're gonna help you two get out in the dating world.

  Lois Griffin : That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.

  Chris Griffin : Why you gotta break balls?

  Peter Griffin : And, Meg, when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands.

  Meg Griffin : This is gonna be so fun.

  Peter Griffin : Hey! Zip it. Rule number one: no speaky until the man speaky to you.

• Stewie Griffin : [waiting for Quagmire to finish with one of his sexual trysts]  Oh, what the hell is taking him so long? I'm missing precious time with my father. Which one of these is the horn?

  [pressing a button, metal bands secure Brian's wrists to his armrests] 

  Stewie Griffin : That's not it.

  [pressing another, Brian's chair moves closer to his] 

  Stewie Griffin : That's not it, either.

  [pressing a third button, a robotic arm emerges from the headrest and forces Brian face-first into his crotch] 

  Brian Griffin : [muffled]  Do something.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm afraid to press anything else.

• Peter Griffin : Okay, Meg, lesson one for attracting a man: I want you to shave my back.

  Meg Griffin : Ew! Why would I want to do that?

  Peter Griffin : Trust me, Meg. Shave a man's back for him and he'll purr like a walrus.

• Stewie Griffin : I'm still short for my trip. I've only got $200. I suggest you pony up the difference immediately or I'll e-mail the contents of your hard drive to the FBI.

  Brian Griffin : What are you talking about? There's nothing on there.

  [Stewie scrolls through pictures of himself in provocative poses, which one could construe as child pornography] 

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, why is it so hard to accept that Peter's your real father?

  Stewie Griffin : Because he's an idiot. Do you remember that time he went to the "Today" show?

  [cutaway] 

  Katie Couric : Coming up on "Today," Tom Cruise has a new movie. We're gonna be talking to him.

  Peter Griffin : [outside, knocking on the window]  Katie!

  Katie Couric : Funnyman Al Franken will be stopping by for a visit.

  Peter Griffin : [knocking louder]  Katie!

  Katie Couric : And Wolfgang Puck shares his recipe for apple strudel.

  Peter Griffin : Katie!

  Katie Couric : So stay tuned, because we've got all this and more coming up in the next hour.

  Peter Griffin : [throwing a USPS mailbox through the window]  Katie!

  Katie Couric : *WHAT*?

  Peter Griffin : [losing interest]  Oh, well, never mind.

• Brian Griffin : [stranded in the desert]  This is horrible. I'm so thirsty.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, my God, Brian, do you see what I see?

  Brian Griffin : [spotting a vending machine]  A Dr. Pepper machine.

  Stewie Griffin : Yes. Oh, I can taste it now.

  Brian Griffin : [running over to it]  Damn it. It was a mirage.

  Stewie Griffin : Ugh, an RC Cola machine.

• Stewie Griffin : I never should have attempted this in the first place. It was stupid.

  Brian Griffin : Hey, hey, come on, now. You've come this far, haven't you?

  Stewie Griffin : [crying]  Oh, it's no use! Even if my real father is out there, he probably doesn't want to see me.

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, you gotta see this through to the end. Look, maybe this guy is your real father, maybe not, but if you don't find out, you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, maybe you're right.

  Brian Griffin : Come on, I'll stick by you the whole way. Just like I did when we were Siamese twins.

  [cut to them at the supermarket, conjoined at the head] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, hey, look at that woman, Brian. She has no business in shorts. Hey! Hey, you have no business in shorts! Ooh, tortillas. Let's do soft tacos tonight.

• Brian Griffin : Are you all right?

  Stewie Griffin : Never better! I got some pep pills from a trucker at the last stop. Keeps me awake.

  Brian Griffin : You took pills?

  Stewie Griffin : West Coast Turn-Arounds. Trucker said to only take one, but I took all of them.

  Brian Griffin : Look, maybe you should slow down.

  Stewie Griffin : Why? We're making good time.

  Brian Griffin : We're not even on the road.

  Stewie Griffin : Huh?

  Brian Griffin : I said we're not even on the road.

  Stewie Griffin : Don't need to be. Compass says west. That's where we're headed.

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert.

  Stewie Griffin : I know. Imagine the nads on those guys who did this in a wagon. Pioneers, Brian. We share their spirits. Manifest destiny.

  Brian Griffin : All right, that's it. Give me the wheel.

  Stewie Griffin : Go to hell!

• Stewie Griffin : [after searching for his "father" in vain]  I feel like I've searched this whole bloody city. I suppose this means I'll never find the answer to who I really am. Oh, well. See you gents later. Free Tibet, no grapes, all that.

  Old Hipster : [to his friend]  Dude, I could have sworn that Nerf football was just talking to me.

• Meg Griffin : [in the car with Peter]  Dad, why are we just sitting here?

  Peter Griffin : Just give me a minute, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : What am I supposed to be learning about dating from...

  [he sighs in satisfaction] 

  Meg Griffin : Oh, my, God, Dad, you farted! That is so nasty!

  Peter Griffin : [she tries to get out]  No, no, no, Meg. Meg, this is crucial, all right? The sexiest thing a woman can do for a man is learn to love his gas. Love the gas, Meg. Love it!

  [he accidentally farts again, and she tries to get out] 

  Peter Griffin : No, no, no, Meg, no, no. This is why we're here. This is why we're here. This is why we're here.