Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories (2006 Video Game)

Steve Stratton: Lionel Makepiece

Quotes 

• Lionel Makepiece : Let's all reach into our pockets, whip it out, hold it in our hand, and look at it in disgust. I'm talking about the Emotion Frequent Crier Card. Get it punched at any family planning clinic or Ammu-Nation. Guns and crying... they go together.

• Lionel Makepiece : Love makes the world go around. It really does. Nudie pictures do too. My cousin's a physicist and he says it's centrifugal gravitational pull, but he sleeps with prostitutes. I did once, but we fell in love, until she broke my heart.

• Lionel Makepiece : Right now, to prove how much our sales team thinks of keeping our listeners, here's Fernando at Doggy-Style Pets.

  Fernando : Thanks Lionel. You really are sounding like the estrogen is taking over. I am Fernando Martinez. Right now, I broadcast live from Doggy-Style Pet Store. When I get emotional, I get a puppy, Lionel. And when I feel better, I say, "Fernando, you don't need a puppy anymore. You need a woman with big hips that bear the child that will someday rise up against you, and fight you to the death." So I throw the puppy away, and take the wench by the hair.

  Lionel Makepiece : Fernando, what the hell are you talking about?

  Fernando : I am talking about the jungle, Lionel. About being the king of the jungle. Like a kitten that is half-off when you stop at the Doggy-Style Pet Store, downtown. Maybe you need to move some yayo. A puppy is perfect. Or maybe you are slow, like your mom was exposed to DDT, and you like a pet turtle. They have lots of turtles here! Fernando likes guinea pigs. But I date an Italian girl and she no like it. And plus, they don't taste like real pig. My mouth is all furry. It's like the '60s all over again. The women, they are so hairy. They don' believe in shaving. Come see us here. Fernando will find you something to cuddle with. I guarantee it. Let's play a powerful track.

  Lionel Makepiece : That is my line.

• Lionel Makepiece : I cry every time I hear that song. I cry and I laugh and I hold myself tight and remember the first time. I was 13, in a jacuzzi. It was kind of embarrassing, but I don't think anyone noticed.

• Lionel Makepiece : That was more powerful than any chemical that could course through your veins. A mark on your soul. And speaking of souls, our very own Fernando is broadcasting live at Cinder Beast Tattoo at Vice Point. Fernando?

  Fernando : That's right, Lionel. I am here at Cinder Beast Tattoos. There are things that last forever, like a paper degree. Or the time you play on the railroad tracks with your slow brother and he doesn't get out of the way in time. And you realize this is, how you say, a metaphor for the first sexual experience. You like roses? Or barbed wire? Or maybe you love someone so much, you want their name on your ass for all eternity. Or you want a tattoo of a mermaid and a gorilla? Or a man, slaying a dragon with his penis. These guys take good care of you. They use clean needles. They change them every week. They train for a very long time. Like, three days. And some of them have been in the joint so you know they have experience. For skulls on fire or Egyptian symbols of fertility, come to Cinder Beast Tattoos. This is Fernando Martinez for Emotion. Written on the heart, tattooed on the loins.

  Lionel Makepiece : I love that guy. He's like a spiritual force.

• Lionel Makepiece : Therapy really works. I used to hate myself for what happened. Now, I merely hate myself. That's progress

• Lionel Makepiece : Lionel Makepeace here on Emotion, imagining a better world. A world where men and women understand each other perfectly. Where the only reason to quarrel is to make up and where broken hearts can always be mended... even mine.

• Lionel Makepiece : Let's see what's up with our roving reporter, Fernando Martinez, out there in the field, discovering love firsthand. Fernando, where are you?

  Fernando : In the massage parlor, Lionel. It's fantastic! Boy, I mean these girls really know how to relax you! Baby!

  Lionel Makepiece : Fernando, this is a family show.

  Fernando : Where do you think babies come from, Lionel? Not from therapy, buddy. Or the stork. But from the power and the passion of a load of baby oil, and a woman to relax you. You see, we waste so much of our love when you make an abstract painting on her face, or a map of the Falkland Islands on your stomach, on a lonely night. But this is business class, baby! This is 1984. It is beautiful. Passion can be released. Boy, do I know that! All the ethnicities. Asians, the Swedes, the little Mexican girl... It is beautiful. Really incredible! Hey baby, I think I'm getting a little stress again! Come here!

  Lionel Makepiece : Uh, that was our roving reporter, Fernando Martinez. What a joker. Just broadcasting from a mall and pretending to be getting an erotic massage. As if. I mean, I think we all know love comes from the heart. And passion is a spiritual connection between two beautiful people. Not a cheap handjob in a seedy massage parlor. I never have, I never will. I'd rather dream of someone special.