Photos
Quotes
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Eddie : [Reading the newspaper] Hey, Richie! Looks at this! Remember that Stork Margarine competition we entered?
Richie : Yes?
Eddie : We didn't win it.
Richie : What? Well, who did?
Eddie : Slip Digby.
Richie : Slip Digby! The organist?
Eddie : Well, that's not what they called him in court.
Richie : Well, what was his winning caption?
Eddie : "I like Stork Margarine because, I've only got one leg."
[They're impressed]
Richie : Not bad.
Eddie : Clever bastard! Why didn't we think of that one?
Richie : Well, I told you we weren't going to get very far with "I like Stork Margarine because, I've enclosed a fiver, mum's the word!"
Eddie : Well, we never posted it, did we?
Richie : There wasn't a lot of point, you took the fiver out, didn't you?
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Eddie : [facing imminent death] You know, I think I might come back as a bra.
Richie : What?
Eddie : Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation.
Richie : When did you become a Buddhist?
Eddie : About 5 seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life!
Richie : But you can't come back as a bra! That's just stupid! You have to come back as something organic.
Eddie : All right, all right, I'm only a beginner you know! Errr... all right then, I'll come back as... ah! Claudia Schiffer! She's seriously organic! Yes, and then when it rained, I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress and get completely soaked, and then I'd run back in doors and I'd look at myself and I'd say 'Oooh, look!' you're all wet! You'd better strip off slowly in front of a mirror!'
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Richie : What did we do? What did we do?
Eddie : Well it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant.
Richie : I thought she was a girl.
Eddie : They were pectorals you fool!
Richie : Well she had an earring.
Eddie : Yeah, through HER foreskin.
Richie : Yes, which I found out later much to my distress!
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Richie : You know mate, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, if we ever get back to Blighty, I'm really gonna change the way I live... find a piece of land, find a beautiful woman, hell, maybe even raise a few kids
Eddie : Ahhhh, quit dreaming. We're not gonna pull through to the other end of this one, Skip.
Richie : No you've got to dreeeeam Eddie. You've got to hold on to the dreeeeeam!
Eddie : Can I ask you a question?
Richie : Shoot from the hip Eddie, that's always been your style.
Eddie : WHY ARE WE TALKING SUCH COMPLETE AND UTTER BOLLOCKS?
[he proceeds to beat Richie]
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Eddie : [to God, who has just saved them from imminent death] Nice. Very nice. Nice beard too.
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Eddie : [Richie and Eddie are getting the attention of two females that are interested in them] Wait, Richie, Richie, how do we know which ones whose?
Richie : Well, mine's a cracker!
Eddie : What's mine like?
Richie : Not bad, not bad. Not as many legs as the other one. Shame about the beard. Apart from that, smashing!
Eddie : Are you sure she's not a bloke?
Richie : What do you mean a bloke? I know a bird when I see one!
Eddie : Was she smoking a pipe?
Richie : Yeah?
Eddie : And is she called Keith?
Richie : Yeah.
Eddie : You fool! That's Keith and Deidre!
Richie : Yeah! Keith's your bird and Deidre's mine! Mine's the one with the little blue miniskirt and the tattoos of Little and Large on her thighs.
Eddie : No, it's Keith and Deidre from the Lamb and Flag mixed-doubles nudie tag mud-wrestling team!
Richie : Oh yeah? Then why was she giving me the eye all night? Not the glass one, the other one. And how come the bird with the beard kept pointing at you?
Eddie : Because, he's Keith! One-legged mad-dog Keith McFrenzy! And I owe him fifty quid! He's been chasing me for seventeen years! Why do you think I always get mumps during mud wrestling week?
Richie : Now look, they don't call me the Hammersmith crumpet radar for nothing! I tell you, she took one look at me and she was screaming for my underwear!
Eddie : She is blind!
Richie : Yes, yes, yes... yes, yes, well, she obviously sense my musky sort of smell.
Eddie : Yes... we've all been sensing your sort of musky smell for nigh on forty years. When will you buy another shirt?
Richie : This is an original Van Der Heusen!
Eddie : Yeah, it's *the* original Van Der Heusen! Hasn't had a wash since 1963!
Richie : Well, if you had the common decency to go out and get yourself a proper job and not hang around the flat all day like some vast slug, then perhaps I would have the opportunity to take my top off and wash it without the risk of you seeing my nipples!
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Richie : Eddie, if I fall and plunge three-hundred and fifty feet and splatter on the ground. Will you... you know?
Eddie : What, laugh?
Richie : No, no, no.
Eddie : Point and laugh?
Richie : No, no. Eddie, will you scatter my ashes over Queen's Park Rangers football ground?
Eddie : No!
Richie : [relieved sigh] Thanks!
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Richie : I think I'll come back as Dani Minogue! Yeah, and I'll get myself a job as a topless go-go dancer, in a bar full of mirrors!
Eddie : Yeah! And after that I'm coming back as a giraffe!
Richie : Yeah! A giraffe?
Eddie : Yeah, then I'd have me head above the trees, wouldn't I? Then I'd be able to keep a really good look out for any supermodels taking topless helicopter lessons.
Richie : Yeah, alright!
[shouts down]
Richie : Hey! Got any Buddhist vicars down there? Got any papers so we can sign up?
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Eddie : I think it's all over now, they're all sort of going away. In fact, everyone's going away. I think the whole fair is closing down.
Richie : The complete bastards! They can't treat me like this, my mother used to make sandwiches for the Hammersmith Conservative Association!
Eddie : Yeah, but no-one ever used to eat them, did they?
Richie : They did, they did! What about that bloke that got the convulsions and permanent brain damage?
Eddie : Well he's president of the board of trade now, isn't he?
Richie : Absolutely! They can't treat us like this!
[Addressing the public]
Richie : Now look here, you roustabouts! I've got a photopgraphic memory, and I'm gonna memorize all of you.
[Reacting to someone on the ground]
Richie : And I'll certainly remember that!
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Eddie : There's nothing for it, we're just gonna have to wait until an aeroplane comes, right, and try and attract its attention.
Richie : Yes! Yes!
Eddie : Oh, here comes one.
[a distant droning sound grows and erupts into a fart]
Eddie : Sorry about that one.
Richie : So *you* had the egg! Oh look, Eddie! Here comes a helicopter! Hello! Hello! Is that a police chopper?
Eddie : No, I just think one of 'em's left his truncheon sticking out the door. Yeah, look it's got a side handle.
Richie : [Waving] Hello! They can't see us, they've gone. If only we had something to illuminate us, if only we had some flares!
Eddie : This is no time to make a fashion statement! We're gonna be blown up at dawn!
Richie : No I mean distress flares.
Eddie : You mean like the ones Suzi Quatro used to wear?
Richie : Will you stop it with the crap flares jokes!
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Richie : [the seat is hanging by half] Oh blimey!
Eddie : My stars!
Richie : Spice my sausages!
Eddie : Cor lumme!
Richie : Christmas pudding!
Eddie : Blood and stomach pills!
Richie : Hey Eddie, we know how to swear us two, don't we?
Eddie : You
[BLEEP]
Eddie : well hit the
[BLEEP]
Eddie : right on the nail there, you
[BLEEP]
Eddie : bastard!
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Eddie : Richie, while we, and indeed the whole BBC, respect the right of people to believe whatever they wish.
[Looks to camera]
Eddie : Because we don't want to get in the shit over this one. We don't actually believe in God do we?
Richie : No. Shit!
Eddie : [joining in] Shit!
[They fall to their deaths]
