Thank God You're Here (TV Series)

Episode #1.1 (2006)

Frank Woodley: Self

Quotes 

• Roman Emperor : And now, Maximillius, there is someone who I know you have been looking forward to seeing once again.

  [claps hands] 

  Roman Emperor : Bring her forth!

  [pregnant woman enters] 

  Pregnant Roman Woman : Maximillius, sire, it has been a long time.

  Frank Woodley : About eight months, three weeks, by the look of it!

  Roman Emperor : Go on, don't be bashful. I want you to greet her in the customary fashion.

  Frank Woodley : [walks up to pregnant woman and squeezes her breasts] 

  Roman Emperor : You must really have missed your sister a lot!

• TV Network Executive : Now, you're all going to need to have a police check done, of course, because you'll be working with children. Now...

  Frank Woodley : Right!

  [drops prop, walks through the blue door and continues walking until he disappears completely off-stage - he isn't going to get his police check done; he means that he's not prepared to have one done and is walking out of the scene altogether!] 

• Shane Bourne - Host : Frank, how are you feeling?

  Frank Woodley : I'm feeling... I'm feeling... I'm feeling... good! Not cocky, but just feeling, well actually you know what? I'm feeling like I'm a spider of entertainment. That's because I'm going to weave a web of comedy from stuff I just pull out of my bum.

• Frank Woodley : Does yours hurt as much as mine?

  Ensemble Cast : A little bit.

  Frank Woodley : It's like agh!

  [hits metal on chest] 

  Frank Woodley : Far out! They could make them out of mink! It wouldn't be so good in the battles of course. But in this bit,

  [hits metal on chest] 

  Frank Woodley : the mink would be better. In the battle, agh, agh! You're dead!

• Ensemble Cast : We're going to have to do a police check because you're going to be working with children.

  Frank Woodley : Right.

  [drops his big toothbrush and walks out the door]