Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road (2006 TV Special)
Ron White: Self
Quotes
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Ron White : Theres this cruise ship and theres a magician that works on the ship and the captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight. The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything. "ohh, he's puttin it in his sock bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "he put it up his sleeve bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "its in his hat bbbrrrrrrkkkkk." And the magician just hated this bird. and one night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird and the bird ducked and the bullet misses the bird and it hits a propane tane and blows the ship to a billion peices. the only survivors are the parrot and the magician and their floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little peices of wood and the parrot goes "Alright i give up. Wheres the damn ship?"
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Ron White : We've been playing at all these Indian casinos hopping from reservation to reservation. Here's how well my mother hears at 70 years old. We were at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida on the Seminole Reservation. I called my mom, and I heard my dad in the background asking, "What'd he say?" and she goes, "He said in Hollywood, you need reservations to get a cinnamon roll!" Close enough, Mom!
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Ron White : Our next stop was to Ft. Myers, Florida and Sanibel Island, which was where Jimmy Buffett lived when he wrote "Margaritaville". The only way to get to Sanibel Island is to cross a little rickety bridge. A little rickety freakin' bridge! I expected to see a troll and some billy goats! This bridge is so rickety, the speed limit is 5 mph, and I got a ticket! The officer asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" "I don't know, 8, 9? My foot slipped off the brake!" "I clocked you at 11 mph. More than twice the legal speed limit!"
[puts his wrists together as if he is asking to be handcuffed]
Ron White : "Take me to jail. I'll make a million dollars telling this story if you take me to jail for going 11 mph."
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Ron White : My wife and I have a tour bus on which we have 3 dogs, 2 of which are Scottish terriers, because if you drink enough Johnnie Walker products, eventually they just send you the dogs. Our Scottish terriers' names are Birdie and Bogey, and someone said, "That's cute. You named your dogs after your golf game." I said, "If I named my dogs after my golf game, they'd be named Double Bogey and Where The Hell Is That Ball Going." Which is kind of a long name for a pet.
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[Jeff's picture has been Photoshopped into a gay pride parade]
Bill Engvall : What's with the glasses?
Ron White : You look at that photo and the GLASSES bother you? What about the two sailors in assless chaps? Did you notice them, Bill?
Jeff Foxworthy : [to Bill, through a fit of laughter] He's got a point.
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Ron White : My wife and I came into Washington, D.C. on a tour bus, and she had never been to D.C. before. We were crossing the Potomac, and she asked, "What's that building right there?" And I said, "Well, it was a Hooters during the Clinton administration, then it was the Lincoln Memorial, now it's a Cracker Barrel, so, welcome!"
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Ron White : So as I'm picking up dog turds, I notice one that is massive even by Sluggo standards. I look at this turd, which looks like it says something. So I go in the house and get my glasses, 'cause I can't read shit without my glasses. And upon closer examination of this turd, it does say something. It says "Midland Park Golf Course". Sluggo has eaten and shat whole a golf glove, velcro and all. I rinsed it off and I've been using it for three weeks.
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Ron White : I'm chastised in the media for my position on the death penalty. And the media doesn't know the half of it. Like in the Mussawi case, if I were to set the execution date, I would set it for 1 a.m. on the day we set clocks forward. "Looks like you got another hour left, Mussawi. Nope. Spring forward, asshole!"
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Ron White : [Man shouts something at Ron] No, you can't sir. Stop begging for booze!
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[about the DHS heightened state of awareness rainbow]
Ron White : If I'm standing on line to get on a plane and the guy in front of me needs two loads of phlegm to pronounce his name, I'm checking his shoes for fuses!
[laughter]
Ron White : And I don't care who knows it, either. And it's not being racist. It's profiling.
[laughter]
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Ron White : This guy is taking flying lessons. He's talking to his buddy, he says "First day in the air, the instructor informs me he's an eighth degree black belt and a homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances, I have to jump out of the plane." And his buddy goes "Well, did you jump?", and the guy goes "Yeah. A little at first."
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Bill Engvall : [telling their favorite jokes with a traditional setup and punchline] Ronny, you got a joke?
Ron White : Nope.
Bill Engvall : All right.
[laughter]
Jeff Foxworthy : His... his mind's like a Lazy Susan. If you'll just bear with us, it... it'll come back around here in just a minute.
