- Algernon: Well, the boiler's putting up a bit of a fight. But I think I've got her worried.
- Susan Harper: Are we going to have some heat soon, Algernon? Blue is not my colour.
- Algernon: You can have it done fast or you can have it done properly.
- Susan Harper: Have it fast. You never do it properly!
- Janey Harper: You know, mum? I don't want to stand at the school gates with a bunch of chavs. I want to stand at the school gates with Jude Law. I mean, if I can't give that to my son, how can I live with myself as a mother?
- Susan Harper: But state schools are character building! They're real! There's a rough and tumble... realness to the whole experience! Diversity, Janey - that's what it's all about.
- Janey Harper: Private schools have diversity, mum. There are millionaires, billionaires...
- Susan Harper: [after the plumber failed to fix her boiler] Maybe I should put the oven on.
- Janey Harper: For heat or food?
- Susan Harper: Suicide!
- Janey Harper: You know, where is dad, anyway? We could do with some hot air!
- Susan Harper: He's gone to the boat show.
- Janey Harper: Dad? But he hasn't got a boat.
- Susan Harper: I go to the Ideal Home Exhibition every year - I haven't got one of those!
- Ben Harper: Whoo! God, it's cold in here! Your mother's not here, is she?
- Susan Harper: No! The old boiler's gone.
- Ben Harper: Funny. I didn't see her leave.
- Ben Harper: Susan, remember that dream I've always had?
- Susan Harper: The one where the Pope chases you with an axe?
- Ben Harper: It's good! It's good! How many times have I said 'I wanted a boat'?
- Susan Harper: This is the first time.
- Ben Harper: Right! So this is where the dream begins! Think of it, Susan. You and me - you and me sailing around the Balearics with the sun on our backs!
- Susan Harper: Janey, your father's talking Balearics again!
- Susan Harper: [Ben wants to buy a boat] Forget it, Ben! We can't afford it! I've just promised the plumber a shipload of money for a new boiler. And for us landlubbers, our word is the only thing that separates us from frostbite and divorce!
- Ben Harper: Alright! It doesn't have to be 32 foot. It can be 20 foot. I can get that downriver.
- Susan Harper: And Michael's off to university next year.
- Ben Harper: Well, a 15 foot, then. I could... it's good to learn on...
- Janey Harper: Oh, and there's Kenzo's school fees.
- Ben Harper: I'm going to have a bath. I'll take my little boat and pretend I'm on the North Atlantic!
- Susan Harper: Well, it'll feel like it - there's no hot water!
- Ben Harper: [about to take an X-ray] You've had all the children you want, haven't you?
- Mr. Renthrow: It's not really dangerous, is it?
- Ben Harper: Well, not for me, no, because I'm over here. But no worries. No more radiation than you'd get on a normal aeroplane journey.
- Mr. Renthrow: Yeah, but at least I'd be getting a holiday out of it!
- Ben Harper: Haha! Shut your mouth.
- Mr. Renthrow: She's got lovely lines on her.
- Ben Harper: Really? What, Muriel?
- Mr. Renthrow: I was talking about the boat.
- Ben Harper: Ah!
- Mr. Renthrow: That's a 32-footer, isn't it?
- Ben Harper: Mmhmm.
- Mr. Renthrow: I have a 41 foot myself.
- Ben Harper: Excuse me while I go vomit!
- Susan Harper: Ben, do you know how long I've been looking for a bleach that kills all known germs... and smells of Tuscany?
- Michael Harper: [after finding out Ben and Susan have joined a pyramid scheme] It's a cult.
- Ben Harper, Susan Harper: Cult?
- Ben Harper: Cult? Haha! Michael, hello? Do we look like we've been taken in by a cult?
- Michael Harper: You look like you've been taken from behind!
- Ben Harper: Mikey, you're an educated man. Would they call it 'Pyramus' if it were pyramid selling?
- Michael Harper: Yes.
- Ben Harper: Ye... They what?
- Susan Harper: You know, Michael, we were going to enrol you in the teenage sales force, the Pyramites. But, oh well...
- Michael Harper: I couldn't make it, anyway. I'd promised to be the flower girl at a Moonie wedding!
- Ben Harper: Nice car, Roger.
- Roger Bailey: Well, I get you there! Not a million miles to the gallon, but...
- Ben Harper: Hmm. Hmm. Yeah, payments must be horrendous?
- Roger Bailey: Oh, I paid cash for it.
- Ben Harper: [Gasps] Cash?
- Roger Bailey: A little present to myself. Thought you'd might like to go for a spin.
- Ben Harper: No, no, no! Not now. No, no. I've got to see my boat dealer. Yeah, yeah... I'm ordering some whale foreskin for my bar stools.
- Abi Harper: Oh, my nan's got a sofa like that!
- Michael Harper: Look, so far you've only sold to relatives, right?
- Ben Harper: Nope!
- Michael Harper: Right?
- Ben Harper: Yes.
- Susan Harper: What is your point?
- Michael Harper: My point is there's going to come a time - maybe not today, but certainly within the next 32-36 hours - when you're going to reach saturation point.
- Ben Harper: Oh, finally! Finally! A little confidence in us!
- Michael Harper: No, dad, it's a bad thing.
- Ben Harper: Point taken! Point taken! And may I counter your argument with this?
- [Blows raspberry]
- Abi Harper: I just remembered! It wasn't a whale's foreskin sofa - it was a four-seat sofa from Wales!
- Ben Harper: Oh, screw Pyramus! It's all your fault!
- Susan Harper: My fault?
- Ben Harper: Yes!
- Susan Harper: Why... why... why is it my fault?
- Ben Harper: You told me to quadruple the order!
- Susan Harper: Who saw Roger's watch and tore our lives apart?
- Ben Harper: Who betrayed their principles so Kenzo could wear a top hat at school?
- Susan Harper: Oh, you would have killed us in that boat!
- Ben Harper: Oh, so that's it? You're abandoning ship?
- Susan Harper: Yo-ho-ho, yes!
- Ben Harper: Ladies and gentlemen, can I draw your attention to this man here? This man! He is living proof that Pyramus actually works! This man, up until now, was a humble and semi-competent dentist. But after two days - yes, two days - he was able to purchase a top-of-the-range sports car! What car do you own, Roger?
- Roger Bailey: It... it's a Porsche.
- Ben Harper: Yes, a Porsche! Ladies and gentlemen, did you hear that? A Porsche! And how much did that car cost you, Roger?
- Roger Bailey: £30,000.
- Ben Harper: Yes, £30,000! And how did you get that money... stranger?
- Roger Bailey: Ben, I, I need...
- Ben Harper: Go on, tell them, Roger! Tell them!
- Roger Bailey: Ben...
- Ben Harper: Damn it, Roger! Tell them the truth!
- Roger Bailey: My aunt died and left me the money.
- Ben Harper: Greed! You spend your whole life assuming you've none of the deadly sins and then fate gives you a slap in the face!
- Susan Harper: You really thought you had none of the deadly sins?
- Ben Harper: Name another deadly sin I have.
- Susan Harper: Gluttony, lust...
- Ben Harper: Alright, alright!
- Susan Harper: Not that I mind the lust all that much.
- Ben Harper: How about you trying to get Kenzo into that posh school? Isn't that vanity?
- Susan Harper: That's not van...
- Ben Harper: It is vanity when it's just for the uniform!