Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Algernon : Well, the boiler's putting up a bit of a fight. But I think I've got her worried.

  Susan Harper : Are we going to have some heat soon, Algernon? Blue is not my colour.

  Algernon : You can have it done fast or you can have it done properly.

  Susan Harper : Have it fast. You never do it properly!

• Susan Harper : But state schools are character building! They're real! There's a rough and tumble... realness to the whole experience! Diversity, Janey - that's what it's all about.

  Janey Harper : Private schools have diversity, mum. There are millionaires, billionaires...

• Susan Harper : [after the plumber failed to fix her boiler]  Maybe I should put the oven on.

  Janey Harper : For heat or food?

  Susan Harper : Suicide!

• Janey Harper : You know, where is dad, anyway? We could do with some hot air!

  Susan Harper : He's gone to the boat show.

  Janey Harper : Dad? But he hasn't got a boat.

  Susan Harper : I go to the Ideal Home Exhibition every year - I haven't got one of those!

• Ben Harper : Whoo! God, it's cold in here! Your mother's not here, is she?

  Susan Harper : No! The old boiler's gone.

  Ben Harper : Funny. I didn't see her leave.

• Ben Harper : Susan, remember that dream I've always had?

  Susan Harper : The one where the Pope chases you with an axe?

  Ben Harper : It's good! It's good! How many times have I said 'I wanted a boat'?

  Susan Harper : This is the first time.

  Ben Harper : Right! So this is where the dream begins! Think of it, Susan. You and me - you and me sailing around the Balearics with the sun on our backs!

  Susan Harper : Janey, your father's talking Balearics again!

• Susan Harper : [Ben wants to buy a boat]  Forget it, Ben! We can't afford it! I've just promised the plumber a shipload of money for a new boiler. And for us landlubbers, our word is the only thing that separates us from frostbite and divorce!

  Ben Harper : Alright! It doesn't have to be 32 foot. It can be 20 foot. I can get that downriver.

  Susan Harper : And Michael's off to university next year.

  Ben Harper : Well, a 15 foot, then. I could... it's good to learn on...

  Janey Harper : Oh, and there's Kenzo's school fees.

  Ben Harper : I'm going to have a bath. I'll take my little boat and pretend I'm on the North Atlantic!

  Susan Harper : Well, it'll feel like it - there's no hot water!

• Susan Harper : Ben, do you know how long I've been looking for a bleach that kills all known germs... and smells of Tuscany?

• Michael Harper : [after finding out Ben and Susan have joined a pyramid scheme]  It's a cult.

  Ben Harper , Susan Harper : Cult?

  Ben Harper : Cult? Haha! Michael, hello? Do we look like we've been taken in by a cult?

  Michael Harper : You look like you've been taken from behind!

• Ben Harper : Mikey, you're an educated man. Would they call it 'Pyramus' if it were pyramid selling?

  Michael Harper : Yes.

  Ben Harper : Ye... They what?

  Susan Harper : You know, Michael, we were going to enrol you in the teenage sales force, the Pyramites. But, oh well...

  Michael Harper : I couldn't make it, anyway. I'd promised to be the flower girl at a Moonie wedding!

• Michael Harper : Look, so far you've only sold to relatives, right?

  Ben Harper : Nope!

  Michael Harper : Right?

  Ben Harper : Yes.

  Susan Harper : What is your point?

  Michael Harper : My point is there's going to come a time - maybe not today, but certainly within the next 32-36 hours - when you're going to reach saturation point.

  Ben Harper : Oh, finally! Finally! A little confidence in us!

  Michael Harper : No, dad, it's a bad thing.

  Ben Harper : Point taken! Point taken! And may I counter your argument with this?

  [Blows raspberry] 

• Ben Harper : Oh, screw Pyramus! It's all your fault!

  Susan Harper : My fault?

  Ben Harper : Yes!

  Susan Harper : Why... why... why is it my fault?

  Ben Harper : You told me to quadruple the order!

  Susan Harper : Who saw Roger's watch and tore our lives apart?

  Ben Harper : Who betrayed their principles so Kenzo could wear a top hat at school?

  Susan Harper : Oh, you would have killed us in that boat!

  Ben Harper : Oh, so that's it? You're abandoning ship?

  Susan Harper : Yo-ho-ho, yes!

• Ben Harper : Greed! You spend your whole life assuming you've none of the deadly sins and then fate gives you a slap in the face!

  Susan Harper : You really thought you had none of the deadly sins?

  Ben Harper : Name another deadly sin I have.

  Susan Harper : Gluttony, lust...

  Ben Harper : Alright, alright!

  Susan Harper : Not that I mind the lust all that much.

  Ben Harper : How about you trying to get Kenzo into that posh school? Isn't that vanity?

  Susan Harper : That's not van...

  Ben Harper : It is vanity when it's just for the uniform!