My Family (TV Series)
Living the Dream (2006)
Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper
Quotes
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Ben Harper : Whoo! God, it's cold in here! Your mother's not here, is she?
Susan Harper : No! The old boiler's gone.
Ben Harper : Funny. I didn't see her leave.
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Ben Harper : Susan, remember that dream I've always had?
Susan Harper : The one where the Pope chases you with an axe?
Ben Harper : It's good! It's good! How many times have I said 'I wanted a boat'?
Susan Harper : This is the first time.
Ben Harper : Right! So this is where the dream begins! Think of it, Susan. You and me - you and me sailing around the Balearics with the sun on our backs!
Susan Harper : Janey, your father's talking Balearics again!
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Susan Harper : [Ben wants to buy a boat] Forget it, Ben! We can't afford it! I've just promised the plumber a shipload of money for a new boiler. And for us landlubbers, our word is the only thing that separates us from frostbite and divorce!
Ben Harper : Alright! It doesn't have to be 32 foot. It can be 20 foot. I can get that downriver.
Susan Harper : And Michael's off to university next year.
Ben Harper : Well, a 15 foot, then. I could... it's good to learn on...
Janey Harper : Oh, and there's Kenzo's school fees.
Ben Harper : I'm going to have a bath. I'll take my little boat and pretend I'm on the North Atlantic!
Susan Harper : Well, it'll feel like it - there's no hot water!
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Ben Harper : [about to take an X-ray] You've had all the children you want, haven't you?
Mr. Renthrow : It's not really dangerous, is it?
Ben Harper : Well, not for me, no, because I'm over here. But no worries. No more radiation than you'd get on a normal aeroplane journey.
Mr. Renthrow : Yeah, but at least I'd be getting a holiday out of it!
Ben Harper : Haha! Shut your mouth.
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Mr. Renthrow : She's got lovely lines on her.
Ben Harper : Really? What, Muriel?
Mr. Renthrow : I was talking about the boat.
Ben Harper : Ah!
Mr. Renthrow : That's a 32-footer, isn't it?
Ben Harper : Mmhmm.
Mr. Renthrow : I have a 41 foot myself.
Ben Harper : Excuse me while I go vomit!
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Michael Harper : [after finding out Ben and Susan have joined a pyramid scheme] It's a cult.
Ben Harper , Susan Harper : Cult?
Ben Harper : Cult? Haha! Michael, hello? Do we look like we've been taken in by a cult?
Michael Harper : You look like you've been taken from behind!
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Ben Harper : Mikey, you're an educated man. Would they call it 'Pyramus' if it were pyramid selling?
Michael Harper : Yes.
Ben Harper : Ye... They what?
Susan Harper : You know, Michael, we were going to enrol you in the teenage sales force, the Pyramites. But, oh well...
Michael Harper : I couldn't make it, anyway. I'd promised to be the flower girl at a Moonie wedding!
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Ben Harper : Nice car, Roger.
Roger Bailey : Well, I get you there! Not a million miles to the gallon, but...
Ben Harper : Hmm. Hmm. Yeah, payments must be horrendous?
Roger Bailey : Oh, I paid cash for it.
Ben Harper : [Gasps] Cash?
Roger Bailey : A little present to myself. Thought you'd might like to go for a spin.
Ben Harper : No, no, no! Not now. No, no. I've got to see my boat dealer. Yeah, yeah... I'm ordering some whale foreskin for my bar stools.
Abi Harper : Oh, my nan's got a sofa like that!
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Michael Harper : Look, so far you've only sold to relatives, right?
Ben Harper : Nope!
Michael Harper : Right?
Ben Harper : Yes.
Susan Harper : What is your point?
Michael Harper : My point is there's going to come a time - maybe not today, but certainly within the next 32-36 hours - when you're going to reach saturation point.
Ben Harper : Oh, finally! Finally! A little confidence in us!
Michael Harper : No, dad, it's a bad thing.
Ben Harper : Point taken! Point taken! And may I counter your argument with this?
[Blows raspberry]
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Ben Harper : Oh, screw Pyramus! It's all your fault!
Susan Harper : My fault?
Ben Harper : Yes!
Susan Harper : Why... why... why is it my fault?
Ben Harper : You told me to quadruple the order!
Susan Harper : Who saw Roger's watch and tore our lives apart?
Ben Harper : Who betrayed their principles so Kenzo could wear a top hat at school?
Susan Harper : Oh, you would have killed us in that boat!
Ben Harper : Oh, so that's it? You're abandoning ship?
Susan Harper : Yo-ho-ho, yes!
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Ben Harper : Ladies and gentlemen, can I draw your attention to this man here? This man! He is living proof that Pyramus actually works! This man, up until now, was a humble and semi-competent dentist. But after two days - yes, two days - he was able to purchase a top-of-the-range sports car! What car do you own, Roger?
Roger Bailey : It... it's a Porsche.
Ben Harper : Yes, a Porsche! Ladies and gentlemen, did you hear that? A Porsche! And how much did that car cost you, Roger?
Roger Bailey : £30,000.
Ben Harper : Yes, £30,000! And how did you get that money... stranger?
Roger Bailey : Ben, I, I need...
Ben Harper : Go on, tell them, Roger! Tell them!
Roger Bailey : Ben...
Ben Harper : Damn it, Roger! Tell them the truth!
Roger Bailey : My aunt died and left me the money.
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Ben Harper : Greed! You spend your whole life assuming you've none of the deadly sins and then fate gives you a slap in the face!
Susan Harper : You really thought you had none of the deadly sins?
Ben Harper : Name another deadly sin I have.
Susan Harper : Gluttony, lust...
Ben Harper : Alright, alright!
Susan Harper : Not that I mind the lust all that much.
Ben Harper : How about you trying to get Kenzo into that posh school? Isn't that vanity?
Susan Harper : That's not van...
Ben Harper : It is vanity when it's just for the uniform!