- Susan Harper: He's sleepwalking again. Don't wake him. The shock will kill him.
- Ben Harper: ALFIE! WAKE UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE! ALFIE!
- Susan Harper: Now, remember, Michael, if the other boys are too rough, you can always come home.
- Michael Harper: Mum, it's a Cadet Officer Training Force weekend. It's supposed to be rough. I expect to survive by eating my own liver.
- Susan Harper: I thought you hated liver.
- Ben Harper: Nope, he hates your liver.
- Ben Harper: Your camouflage isn't working, Mikey! I can still see you!
- Michael Harper: If we were in the jungle, I could rip your heart out and show it to you.
- Susan Harper: What heart?
- Susan Harper: My babies are all going!
- Ben Harper: Oh, please, Susan! They're not your babies anymore! They're just drains on our disposable income!
- Michael Harper: [Before leaving for cadet school] I leave a callow youth, but I shall return a seasoned warrior.
- Susan Harper: Shall I record 'The OC' for you?
- Michael Harper: Oh, yes, please?
- Janey Harper: Well, I've got another big lot of heavy stuff to get down from the attic. I could do with a hand.
- Ben Harper: This paper's not going to read itself, Janey!
- Susan Harper: Oh, Ben, they're all disappearing.
- Ben Harper: Mmm!
- Susan Harper: Even Alfie's not going to be here this weekend.
- Ben Harper: Good! Well, you've still got me.
- [Reads newspaper]
- Ben Harper: Oh, brilliant! Oh, yes! There's a three-hour documentary on World War II!
- Susan Harper: I don't want to spoil the plot, Ben, but we win!
- Susan Harper: Oh, Abi! Say you've changed your mind and you're going to be around this weekend.
- Abi Harper: Sorry. I just got to Roger's house and I remembered he was coming to pick me up! Why do relationships have to be so complicated?
- Ben Harper: They just are, Abi! Get over it!
- Abi Harper: We're having a Lord Of The Rings sleepover. Roger's got a box set of the trilogy - we're going to watch all four films!
- Susan Harper: So, that's all Roger's planning to do?
- Abi Harper: Yes! Unless you can think of something more fun that two adults can do together!
- Ben Harper: So, doesn't Roger want to do anything else except watch films about elves?
- Abi Harper: No. No, he doesn't. Hang on! You don't think Roger's...
- Susan Harper, Ben Harper: Gay?
- Abi Harper: I was going to say an elf! Why did you say gay?
- Susan Harper: Yes, Ben! Why did you say that?
- Ben Harper: What... I... Y... You know, I meant, 'happy' as 'gay happy'. Gay happy, you know? Why do people change these words? It's political correctness gone mad!
- Roger Bailey: Hello! Hope you don't mind me coming round the back!
- Ben Harper: I'm saying nothing!
- Roger Bailey: [as Gollum] Morning, my precious!
- Abi Harper: Morning, Legoland!
- Roger Bailey: Legolas! Legolas!
- Roger Bailey: I'm going to whip you up a smashing breakfast - Eggs Roger! It's just like Eggs Benedict, but instead of using spinach, I use creamed leeks with just a soupçon of cinnamon!
- Abi Harper: Haven't you got any Frosties?
- Roger Bailey: Would Audrey Hepburn have Frosties at Tiffany's?
- Abi Harper: [Going through Roger's DVD collection to see if he is gay] Alien. Aliens. Goodfellas. Hmm! Gay? As if, Ben!
- [pause]
- Abi Harper: Gone With The Wind? Priscilla: Queen of the Desert? The Sound of Music?
- Susan Harper: [after Janey is about to throw away her old teddy bear] Janey, Janey, Janey! No, no! What are you doing?
- Janey Harper: What?
- Susan Harper: That's Mr Tibbs! Mr Tibbs has been in our family for decades! Grandpa gave you this when you were four years old on your chickenpox.
- Janey Harper: Yeah, but... he's so old and manky, mum.
- Susan Harper: You shouldn't throw things out just because they're old. I mean, look at your father.
- Janey Harper: Where did that dog come from?
- Ben Harper: The bowels of hell. Thankfully, he's not staying. Your mother's been in touch with the police... haven't you, darling?
- Susan Harper: Mmhmm... Well, I've just got to go and get dressed. I'm taking Ben for a walk.
- Ben Harper: Ben? When did you start calling him Ben?
- Susan Harper: When he started scratching himself inappropriately!
- Susan Harper: [to the dog] What are we going to call you? We can't keep calling you Ben - too many negative connotations. What are we going to call you?
- Ben Harper: In Korea, they call him dinner!
- Susan Harper: Alfie! What happened to you?
- Alfie Butts: I was beaten up by Liam Gallagher. And Liam Gallagher. And Liam Gallagher.
- Susan Harper: He's concussed!
- Alfie Butts: I was in town auditioning for an Oasis tribute band. I was queuing up with some other potential Liam Gallaghers when a fist fight broke out.
- Susan Harper: So you didn't even audition?
- Alfie Butts: It turns out that was the audition!
- Alfie Butts: Oh, you've got a dog!
- Ben Harper: Yeah, he's a stray mutt, Alfie. Just wandered in from the street and now we can't get rid of him. Ring any bells, Alfie?
- Roger Bailey: How about I put some music on?
- Abi Harper: Let me guess - Will Young?
- Roger Bailey: Hah! Why would I put on Will... Abigail Harper, you don't think I'm... a fan of Pop Idol?
- Abi Harper: Then, what are you going to put on? Bronski Beat? Kylie?
- Roger Bailey: Kylie? What are you talking about? Oh, my God! Abi, you think I'm gay?
- Abi Harper: I'm sorry, Roger! Forget I said anything!
- Roger Bailey: How can I forget it? The genie is out of the bottle!
- Abi Harper: Roger, please! Where are you going?
- Roger Bailey: Mykonos! Isn't that where we all go?
- Roger Bailey: Listen, Abi. While I was out walking, I came to a momentous decision.
- Abi Harper: Oh, yeah?
- Roger Bailey: Something that might change our lives forever.
- Abi Harper: What's that?
- Roger Bailey: Sometime tonight, I'm going to... I am going to... I'm going...
- Abi Harper: Spit it out, Roger!
- Roger Bailey: I'm going to kiss you.
- Abi Harper: Ooh! That'd be nice.
- Roger Bailey: It's going to be warm and wonderful and tender and spontaneous.
- Abi Harper: Really? When's that going to be?
- Roger Bailey: Well, if I tell you, it will rather spoil the spontaneity!