Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : He's sleepwalking again. Don't wake him. The shock will kill him.

  Ben Harper : ALFIE! WAKE UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE! ALFIE!

• Susan Harper : Now, remember, Michael, if the other boys are too rough, you can always come home.

  Michael Harper : Mum, it's a Cadet Officer Training Force weekend. It's supposed to be rough. I expect to survive by eating my own liver.

  Susan Harper : I thought you hated liver.

  Ben Harper : Nope, he hates your liver.

• Ben Harper : Your camouflage isn't working, Mikey! I can still see you!

  Michael Harper : If we were in the jungle, I could rip your heart out and show it to you.

  Susan Harper : What heart?

• Susan Harper : My babies are all going!

  Ben Harper : Oh, please, Susan! They're not your babies anymore! They're just drains on our disposable income!

• Janey Harper : Well, I've got another big lot of heavy stuff to get down from the attic. I could do with a hand.

  Ben Harper : This paper's not going to read itself, Janey!

• Susan Harper : Oh, Ben, they're all disappearing.

  Ben Harper : Mmm!

  Susan Harper : Even Alfie's not going to be here this weekend.

  Ben Harper : Good! Well, you've still got me.

  [Reads newspaper] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, brilliant! Oh, yes! There's a three-hour documentary on World War II!

  Susan Harper : I don't want to spoil the plot, Ben, but we win!

• Susan Harper : Oh, Abi! Say you've changed your mind and you're going to be around this weekend.

  Abi Harper : Sorry. I just got to Roger's house and I remembered he was coming to pick me up! Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

  Ben Harper : They just are, Abi! Get over it!

• Susan Harper : So, that's all Roger's planning to do?

  Abi Harper : Yes! Unless you can think of something more fun that two adults can do together!

  Ben Harper : So, doesn't Roger want to do anything else except watch films about elves?

  Abi Harper : No. No, he doesn't. Hang on! You don't think Roger's...

  Susan Harper , Ben Harper : Gay?

  Abi Harper : I was going to say an elf! Why did you say gay?

  Susan Harper : Yes, Ben! Why did you say that?

  Ben Harper : What... I... Y... You know, I meant, 'happy' as 'gay happy'. Gay happy, you know? Why do people change these words? It's political correctness gone mad!

  Roger Bailey : Hello! Hope you don't mind me coming round the back!

  Ben Harper : I'm saying nothing!

• Janey Harper : Where did that dog come from?

  Ben Harper : The bowels of hell. Thankfully, he's not staying. Your mother's been in touch with the police... haven't you, darling?

  Susan Harper : Mmhmm... Well, I've just got to go and get dressed. I'm taking Ben for a walk.

  Ben Harper : Ben? When did you start calling him Ben?

  Susan Harper : When he started scratching himself inappropriately!

• Susan Harper : [to the dog]  What are we going to call you? We can't keep calling you Ben - too many negative connotations. What are we going to call you?

  Ben Harper : In Korea, they call him dinner!

• Alfie Butts : Oh, you've got a dog!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, he's a stray mutt, Alfie. Just wandered in from the street and now we can't get rid of him. Ring any bells, Alfie?