- Abi Harper: [Dressed like a Victorian-era whore] You ain't seen Jack the Ripper, have you?
- Susan Harper: No, Ben won't be home for another hour!
- Abi Harper: Help! Help! He's disemboweling ladies of the night! My kind ain't safe - they aren't!
- Susan Harper: Alright, Abi. I'm glad you're enjoying your new job, but please leave the whore at the door.
- Abi Harper: Meryl Streep doesn't drop out of character when she gets home!
- Abi Harper: Meryl Streep doesn't get £4.40 an hour as a street strumpet at the London Dungeon!
- Susan Harper: I'm not a strumpet! I am a Victorian hussy! Strumpets only get £3.40 an hour!
- Susan Harper: I just happened to be tip-toeing past Michael's room and you'll never guess what I heard.
- Ben Harper: Oh, come on! Every boy does that!
- Susan Harper: Tea, darling.
- Janey Harper: Oh, I don't care.
- Susan Harper: Still got your headache?
- Janey Harper: It's been two weeks!
- Susan Harper: That's an awfully long time for a headache.
- Janey Harper: Oh, no. Headache's only since yesterday. It's been two weeks since I've had any...
- Susan Harper: Janey!
- Janey Harper: Well, you asked!
- Susan Harper: I asked if you wanted tea! Do you always get a headache if you go too long without getting any...?
- Janey Harper: Don't you?
- Susan Harper: No, I only get headaches when I... don't want any.
- Janey Harper: But who wouldn't want any... oh, that's right - you're married to dad!
- Ben Harper: At what point did I lose control of this household?
- Susan Harper: At what point did you have control of this household?
- Ben Harper: Look, if I hadn't have bought it, some sharp property developer would have moved in. Look, this way, we can do it up ourselves - sell it on, make a quick profit, easy chain, bing, bang, badadoom!
- Susan Harper: You're a suburban dentist, not Tony Soprano.
- Ben Harper: We both kill people.
- Susan Harper: Ben, guess who I bumped into earlier today? My best friend from school, Carol Ashcroft. I think I've found a perfect girlfriend for Michael.
- Ben Harper: Wouldn't Carol be a little old for Michael?
- Susan Harper: Not Carol. Her daughter, Suzanne.
- Ben Harper: Stop it, Susan! Stop playing Cupid, for God's sake!
- Susan Harper: Why not? That's how we got together!
- Ben Harper: I rest my case!
- Alfie Butts: [about his dog] Shep died two years ago today. He was 18. No age, really. He was pretty much my best friend. And the anniversaries are tough. Well, last year was easier because my mother died and it distracted me.
- Susan Harper: He was talking to Suzanne! I think they have chemistry! I think it's going to work!
- Ben Harper: I don't think so! I don't think so! No way on Earth!
- Susan Harper: Why not?
- Ben Harper: Because she's you!
- Susan Harper: What are you talking about?
- Ben Harper: She's you! The hair, the face, the laugh - she's an exact carbon copy, with a little less carbon.
- Susan Harper: Don't be ridiculous! Besides, what would be so wrong about that?
- Ben Harper: Well... nothing, really. Just a little bit freakish, if you don't mind me saying. I mean, what... what if it gets to the point where they sleep together and then Michael realises she looks like you?
- Susan Harper: You sleep with me and I look like me.
- Ben Harper: Yeah, but Michael's got his whole life ahead of him!
- Ben Harper: Does Suzanne remind you of anyone?
- Michael Harper: Well, after last night, Paris Hilton.
- Ben Harper: Ooh! Please, Mikey! Suzanne's an exact copy of your mother!
- Michael Harper: What are you talking about?
- Ben Harper: Come here! Ready?
- [Ben takes Michael to the kitchen, and shows Susan and Suzanne dressed exactly the same, reading similar magazines and laughing at the same time]
- Michael Harper: Oh my God!
- Ben Harper: Need to throw up?
- Michael Harper: I'm like Oedipus! I want to rip my eyes out!
- Ben Harper: What?
- Michael Harper: It's a classic Greek play!
- Ben Harper: Well, if it's not a film, Michael, I'm not going to know, am I?
- Ben Harper: Are you telling me there is nothing you can do to get that squatter out of my house?
- Policeman: I'm afraid not, sir. Unfortunately, the law is weighted in the lawbreaker's favour. One day, a real rain's gonna come and wash the scum off the streets. But until then, all I can do is file a report.
- Ben Harper: But they broke into a private property!
- Policeman: Well, I saw no sign of forced entry. My guess is that someone left a window open.
- Ben Harper: A window open? Please! In this day and age? This is not 1955!
- Susan Harper: Oh.
- Ben Harper: What do you mean 'oh'?
- Susan Harper: It's just a crack to let the paint dry. Well, there was nothing there to steal!
- Ben Harper: They stole a four-bedroomed house!
- Janey Harper: Can I ask a question?
- Policeman: Yes.
- Janey Harper: What time do you get off?
- Policeman: I'm sorry, miss, I'm married... to the job!
- Janey Harper: Can you at least frisk me before you leave? I'll wear the handcuffs! Please?
- Roger Bailey: You know, I really don't think you should have sold me the house if you knew there were squatters in it.
- Ben Harper: Roger, we could spend all night playing the blame game! Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's your fault...
- Roger Bailey: Well, it's your fault.
- Ben Harper: Fine! Shift the blame!
- Ben Harper: What's important here, Roger, is that I'm helping you get your squatters out of your new house! You know, that's the kind of person I am. Plus, my wife is making me do it. I mean, granted, it would be easier if I gave you the money back...
- Roger Bailey: Yes, please!
- Ben Harper: ...or, or, or - just hear me out - we could do what we said we were going to do and break in and reclaim the house! Are you with me, Roger?
- Roger Bailey: I'd still rather have the money back.
- Ben Harper: You know, I wish I'd invented Google, but it's a bit late for that!
- Susan Harper: Where have you been? You didn't come home last night.
- Abi Harper: Amsterdam.
- Ben Harper: What?
- Abi Harper: A bloke saw me at the London Dungeon, offered me the same kind of job for a lot more money. Only it turned out to be not the same kind of job at all. Which is a shame, really, because I liked sitting in that window.