Undergrads (TV Series)

Identity Crisis (2001)

Pete Williams: Parker 'Nitz' Walsh, Justin 'Gimpy' Taylor, Cal Evans, Rocko Gambiani

Quotes 

• Cal : Wow. I've touched the lives of so many people, guy! I'm like Roma Downey!

  [Flashback of all the girls Cal has slept with] 

• Nitz : All of you can go to hell!

  Duggler : How many times do I have to tell you kids to stop telling me to go to hell?

  [later] 

  Jessie : Hey Nitz, wanna go grab some grub?

  Nitz : No! I'm not leaving my room! It's like I don't exist on this campus. So I'm not going to bother. I'm just gonna stay in my room, and everyone else can go to hell! You hear me? All of you can go to hell!

  Duggler : I heard that!

• Cal : Why do you need to talk to Nitz so freakin' bad?

  Rocko : Well, now that you're not an idiot, I don't hate you, so nothing makes sense any more. For example, I was thinking of eating this sock puppet, because that makes as much sense as me liking you.

• Gimpy : Dammit. Those "Home Alone" movies were all a lie.

  Nitz : Stop trying to get me to leave my room. I'm not gonna let you take my identity away from me.

  Gimpy : Nitz please. The Click is falling apart. Rocko is spiraling further and further into jackassary and Cal, well, we don't even know where he is?

• Nitz : Hey, Rocko, what do you like to do more than anything else?

  Rocko : Well, I'm really enjoying punching Cal.

  [fighting sounds] 

  Rocko : But normally I'd say beer. Or porn. Or... punching Cal.

  [punch] 

  Nitz : Okay. Violent, drunken, porn-loving guy.

  Cal : Is that Nitz-guy? Tell him I

  [slurp] 

  Cal : said

  [slurp] 

  Cal : hi.

  Rocko : Cal says "hi." Now I gotta punch him.

• Gimpy : Good news Earthlings. I've broken my previous record. I spent 30 days straight in my room. My trick? Sending Mump home for Christmas in my stead.

  [Mump dressed like Gimpy at the Taylor Christmas] 

  Mump : Hello family! Darn that freshman 150! Ahaha!

  [They stare at him] 

  Mump : Give me my presents!

  Gimpy : I'm out of the will, but it's worth it.

• [Gimpy types Cal's name into the internet] 

  Gimpy : Oh. Oh dear. Are you sure you want to see this, Cal?

  Cal : Sure, guy! "The I Hate Cal Newsgroup". What's that?

  Gimpy : It seems to be stories of people who have come into contact with you, and hated it!

  Rocko : What's that address?

• Gimpy : After a quick search on this site, the word 'annoying' came up 12000 times.

  Cal : Uh-huh.

  Gimpy : The phrase 'stole my girlfriend' came up a stunning 45000 times!

  Cal : ...'Kay.

  Gimpy : And the phrase 'drooling moron' came up...

  [the connection goes out. The phone rings] 

  Cal : Hello?

  Gimpy : My computer just crashed.

• [Reading the newsgroup] 

  Cal : "If I were Cal, I'd cover myself with honey and feed myself to those angry red ants they got in Bolivia." Wow me. Could it really be true? Could people hate us this much?

• Cal : Geez me-guy. I need to find someone who can tell me all the things that are wrong with me.

• Cal : Hey guy! Do you know anybody who can tell me all the things that are wrong with me?

  Rocko : [Stunned]  Cal, I've been waiting for this day for a long, long time. I hate you Cal. I hate you so much. So very, very much.

  Cal : Guy, so do you know anybody or not?

• Rocko : [Dressed like a hot dog]  It's become obvious that I've got to convince girls to pour mustard on me.

• Girl 1 : Cal, you wanna come to my room and play a game of Catherine the Great and Flicka?

  Cal : Well it ain't no fun unless my homeys get some!

  Girl 1 : Cal, are you okay? Don't you want to call me a nice lady and tell me you love playing horsey cause horseys are nice?

  Cal : Uh, no!

  [She walks away angrily. Another girl walks up] 

  Girl 2 : Cal. I wanted your opinion on some outfits I just bought.

  Cal : I've got a better idea. How about we throw that crap away, you show me your jumblies, and I'll take pictures?

• Gimpy : Nitz, if you come out of your room, I'll give you some freshly baked pie!

  Nitz : No thanks.

  Gimpy : Damn it!

• [Mump is dressed like Kimmy under Nitz's window] 

  Mump : Oh Nitz. It's me, Kimmy Burton, the love of your life! Please come out of your room and make sweet love to me!

  Nitz : No, Mump!

  Gimpy : Damn it!

• [Rocko is chewing on a stop sign] 

  Nitz : Rocko, you're being a dumbass. Stop that.

• Rocko : You see! The world has gone all fiddle-faddle-foo!

• Rocko : Look, Nitz. You have to stop being "Room Guy."

  Jessie : He's right. This is the stupidest thing you've ever done. You're skipping all of your classes, you look, and smell like sheer hell...

  Gimpy : And I don't like seeing a signature character trait of mine so blatantly ripped off.

  Rocko , Jessie , Gimpy : You have to leave your room.

• Rocko : So that's why I think I'm going to have to be drunk for a year straight.

  Nitz : That's a terrible idea Rocko. Then you'd be dead. And then you'd never be able to drink again.

  Rocko : You have a point.