Rhodri Meilir: Alfie Butts

Quotes 

• Roger Bailey : [to Ben]  What's up with you, Mr Grumpy Boots?

  Alfie Butts : He's had a bit of a run-in with a cyclist who scratched his car.

  Abi Harper : Oh, is the cyclist alright?

  Ben Harper : Is the cyclist alright? Who cares?

  Roger Bailey : Well, did you get a good look at him?

  Ben Harper : No! But if I ever get my hands on him, I'd show him ways of using a bicycle pump he'd never imagined!

• Ben Harper : Mikey, grab your camera! Nip down to photograph the damage that cyclist has inflicted on my car!

  Michael Harper : What cyclist?

  Alfie Butts : No, no! Don't! You'll set him off again!

  Ben Harper : I'll tell you what cyclist!

  Alfie Butts : Told you!

• Alfie Butts : If you're really that upset about the cyclist, then you should get on the phone to West London Talk Radio.

  Ben Harper : What? Who?

  Michael Harper : Oh, yeah! Call them, dad! WLTR love nutters!

  Ben Harper : Yeah?

  Alfie Butts : Mmhmm. And personally, I've always found your opinions very, very interesting. Bigoted, narrow minded, fascist, but interesting.

  Ben Harper : I'm not bigoted, Alfie! I just want to make a point! A simple point that in a civilised society, there's no room for cyclists!

  Michael Harper : Didn't you say that about doctors?

• Alfie Butts : Mr Harper, I've got it on speed dial from when I was complaining.

  Ben Harper : Right. What were you complaining about?

  Alfie Butts : Well, the lack of airtime given over to alternative Welsh rock music!

  Ben Harper : Oh, well, we don't hear enough of that, do we?

• Michael Harper : Hi Alfie! Can't stop - couple of hot models waiting for me! They are hot, right?

  Janey Harper : Oh...

  [Impersonates sizzling sound on butt] 

  Janey Harper : Tsssssss!

  Michael Harper : Fact: all supermodels marry photographers.

  Alfie Butts : It's a mutually dependent work-based relationship, Michael. They never last.

  Michael Harper : They're models, Alfie! 20 minutes will do me fine!

• Alfie Butts : Look, erm, Mrs Harper, if it's OK with you I think I'll take some soup to the cyclists.

  Ben Harper : Cyc...? You will... you will not feed those Lycra-clad vermin!

  Richard : You don't like cyclists, Ben?

  Ben Harper : Oh, love them - under the wheels of a juggernaut!