Undergrads (TV Series)

Drunks (2001)

Pete Williams: Parker 'Nitz' Walsh, Justin 'Gimpy' Taylor, Cal Evans, Rocko Gambiani

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rocko : What are you?

  Bobby Whiskey : I'm Bobby Whiskey Rocko, and if you hang with me, you'll become funnier, smarter, and more handsomer, not that you need it. Damn, you're awesome.

  Rocko : Well, that's the nicest thing a beer induced hallucination has said to me, let us be chums.

  Bobby Whiskey : Ahhh yeah.

• Rocko : Ugh. You drink this crap? What the hell is it?

  Nitz : Water.

  Rocko : Wah tur?

• [Rocko wakes up hungover in a jail cell] 

  Rocko : Ugh! Bobby?

  Prisoner : Shaddup! I'm-a-gonna make you *my* bitch!

  [Gets a whiff of Rocko's adult diaper] 

  Prisoner : Ewwwww! Stinky!

  [Backs away from Rocko gayly] 

• Rocko : Must... find... cure... for... broken... body!

• Jessie : What about you, Cal? Up for some Schnapps?

  Cal : Maybe later, Jessie-lady-guy.

• Mump : The crowds are getting restless, sir.

  Gimpy : Throw them the bread.

  [tosses Mump a bag of bread] 

  Mump : But sir, it's almost time for our discussion salon on Queen Amidala versus Princess Leia!

  Gimpy : Throw them the bread!

• Nitz : [to Kimmy every time he sees her]  Blah?

• [Rocko's cardboard fake ID] 

  Rocko : I am 21 so drinking is yes.

• Rocko : The giant imaginary bottle of whiskey is with me.

• Kimmy Burton : I haven't seen you guys since this afternoon! I've missed you *so much*.

  Nitz : She's a drunken hug-fiend! And I can't do anything but watch.

  Bum : Please stop talking to yourself. You're scaring me. I am electric Jesus!

• Cal : Beer before liquor, get drunk quicker. Liquor before beer, you like Pam Grier!

  Nitz : You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?

  Cal : Nope. Later guy. I gotta go have my late-afternoon sex.

• Rocko : Hello ladies. How about some beer? Or perhaps sex? I've got my beer goggles on, I bet I look good!

• Nitz : I don't drink.

  Jessie : Why not, because it's fun?

  Nitz : I suppose that makes me uncool, right?

  Jessie : No, you pretty much had uncool wrapped up.

• [At 'Don't Break The Seal' night] 

  Drunk girl : Excuse me, I'm extremely drunk, and very impressed by your non-urinating ways. What's your secret?

  Rocko : Uh, I couldn't possibly tell.

  Bobby Whiskey : Rocko, tell her your secret. Tell the world!

  Rocko : Okay. You want to know my secret?

  People drinking : Yeah!

  [He drops his pants to reveal a foul-smelling soiled diaper] 

  Rocko : You see folks? I'm wearing an adult diaper! LOVE ME!

• Rocko : Hey honey, I know we broke up in senior year, and I know I've already called you ten times tonight, but I wanted to tell you, you're a little pudding pop that I want to suck on all day.

  [click] 

  Bobby Whiskey : Call her back.

• Nitz : If you teach me how to drink, I can teach you how to, not to drink.

  Rocko : Oh, skid row bro.

  Nitz : Come again?

  Rocko : Like in Silence of the Lambs, I tell you something, you tell me something, skid row bro.

  Nitz : That's quid pro quo.

  Rocko : Shut up.

• Rocko : Uhh! Hell! I'm sick enough as it is! What was that crap?

  Nitz : That was orange juice.

• Gimpy : Here you go sir. You'll find it perfect down to every last detail. It's taken the last six hours to get the secret hologram of Warren G. Harding, but there it is.

  Krueger : Fuckin' A.

  Gimpy : Gah! Wait! Don't you even want to look at it! This work of art? This thing of beauty?

  Krueger : Fuck that shit Jasper Johns, I just want a fucking fifth of lemon flavored gin.

  Gimpy : Don't you people care? I have given my life for these! My very heart, soul! My life essence goes into these IDs! Do any of you care? Huh? Anyone?

  Customer : Uh, can you make my name be Seymour Butts?

• Nitz : Gimpy. I need you to make me a fake ID.

  Gimpy : Ahhh!

  Nitz : Good. I'm glad to see you're not going to over-react.

  Gimpy : Why? Just because you've decided to throw caution, not to mention your liver, to the wind just so you can suck the nicotine-filled air of some local gin mill? What's next Mr. Fear and Loathing in Nitz-Vegas? Opium dens? Raves? STAR TREK CONVENTIONS?

  Nitz : I need a fake ID so I can get into a bar so I can get a hug from Kimmy. C'mon! Please! What's the worst that can happen?

• Stoner Dave : You the dude that makes the fake I.D.'s?

  Gimpy : Yes.

  Stoner Dave : Sweet. This is the dude.

• [Fantasizing while trying to get sober] 

  Waiter : Rocko, here's that giant bottle of scotch the President wanted you to drink!

  Rocko : M-m-m-m. Sober!

  Waiter #2 : Rocko you have to drink this giant martini or I'll be eaten by wolves!

  Rocko : M-m-m-m. Sober!

  [wolves devour the waiter] 

• Cal : Quarters are shiny.

• Cal : Im not gonna drink either.

  Nitz : Really?

  Cal : Nope. Im gonna have a Alabama slammer, guy. Drinking!

• Nitz : Kimmy invited me out. We're practically going on a date!

  Cal : It's like a date guy, only without privacy, romance, or sex!

  Nitz : Hrm.

  Cal : Or battery operated...

  Nitz : Is there any way you could shut up?

  Cal : Oh guy, let's not fight.

• Female bouncer : Do you have ID?

  Cal : I do, but it's in Spain.

  Female bouncer : Good enough cutie. Have a nice night!

• [Jessie' fake ID] 

  Nitz : 'Sylvia Rabbinowitz'?

  Jessie : The kung-fu jew.

  Nitz : So how did you get one of these?

  Jessie : Uh, you just gotta find a kid with a powerful computer and no life.

  [Nitz smiles] 

• Mump : Sir! This madness must stop. Your men need you! I need you! Who will lead us on our amusing cyber-escapades? Who will reminds us to use the Force? Who? Who?

  Gimpy : Damn it Mump! I have a calling now! This is bigger than you or me! I am creating works of beauty!

  Mump : You're making fake IDs that allow underage kids to buy lemon flavored gin.

  Gimpy : Begone! I am creating art! God is talking to me through my fake IDs!

  Mump : Sir, I have no choice but to tender my resignation as your lackey. Good day sir.

  [Hands him a paper] 

  Gimpy : I can always use another signature.