The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

A Man's Teeth Are Not His Own (1962)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rob Petrie : How do you figure that you're the best dentist in the whole world?

  Jerry Helper : Simple logic. I consider you one of the smartest and brightest people in the world.

  Rob Petrie : Oh, thank you, kindly.

  Jerry Helper : And who does your dental work?

  Rob Petrie : You do.

  Jerry Helper : See?

• Rob Petrie : Boy, somebody once said, "The man's home may be his castle but very often his teeth are not his own."

• Rob Petrie : I know he'll understand about the emergency but I'm just wondering if he's going to understand about this other one.

  Laura Petrie : What other one?

  Rob Petrie : [pointing to another tooth]  That one.

  Laura Petrie : Did he do that too?

  Rob Petrie : Yeah. It needed doing but I could easily have waited for Jerry.

  Laura Petrie : Well, why didn't you?

  Rob Petrie : Well, I don't know. I was sittin' there in the chair with my big mouth open, I thought I might as well let him drill away.

• Rob Petrie : Rip 'em out, Jerry. All of them. Just rip 'em out. Everything out of my mouth. Just leave me my tongue so I can curse myself, Jerry.

• [Finally meeting Jerry after avoiding him for a week, Rob wants to keep the conversation serious so he won't smile and show Jerry his teeth] 

  Jerry Helper : Hey, Rob, I'm glad the girls are gone. I heard a couple jokes at the convention I gotta tell ya. Come on, sit down.

  Rob Petrie : Uh... Jer... I'd... d'I'd... I don't think we ought to be telling any jokes right about... Hadn't you been reading the papers?

  Jerry Helper : What, what?

  Rob Petrie : Well, there's a lot of... FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.

  Jerry Helper : Where?

  Rob Petrie : Well, it's around. A lot of it's going around, Jer.

• Rob Petrie : [comparing Dr. Helper to Dr. Bardhoffen]  Jerry's a good dentist. I have nothing against his work at all. That's the difference, you see: One of 'em is a worker, the other one is an artist.

• Laura Petrie : Look, Jerry's been back in town for a week now. You can't avoid him forever.

  Rob Petrie : Who's tryin' to avoid him forever? I'm simply trying to avoid him long enough so I can figure out a way to tell 'im about those strange inlays on HIS back molars.

  Laura Petrie : Darling, those are YOUR back molars.

  Rob Petrie : According to Jerry, my teeth are his teeth.

• Jerry Helper : Ordinarily you're a very smiley guy. I haven't seen you smile once since I came in.

  Rob Petrie : Well, J-Jerry, uh, b'yah, it's the... it's FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.