- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good lord! According to the spetrolyzer, Spragel's secret ingredient was... water! Ordinary water!
- Philip J. Fry: Ah, so the real gift Spragel gave you was confidence. The confidence to be your best.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water, laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
- Bender: The important thing is, by my standards, I won fair and square. Now, who wants brunch, cooked with plenty of "confidence"?
- Hiroke: Aki, what's Elzar making?
- Aki: Well Hiroke-san, when I asked him, he asked what business it was of mine and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute
- Bender: If it's chicken, chicken a la king. If it's fish, fish a la king. If it's turkey, fish a la king.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship. When the professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring.
- Helmut Spargle: Elzar had been seduced by the dark side of cooking. Cilantro. Mango salsa. Raspberry vinaigrette.
- Bender: That Twizzler!
- Philip J. Fry: Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings, but this food taste better as vomit!
- Turanga Leela: It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to get my tongue removed?
- [overhearing the conversation, Bender drops the glasses of a liquid on the floor, sobbing. As he heads back to the kitchen, the liquid eats through the floor]
- Elzar: [Bender asks for cooking lessons] Absolutely not.
- Bender: But I watch your show! You owe me!
- Elzar: I owe you nothing! For starters your antenna's in my crotch. Also I hate you. And finally, you can't cook for squat.
- Bender: [stands up] What was the first one again?
- Elzar: I hate you.
- Bender: I thought that was number two!
- Elzar: I knocked it up a notch! Bam!
- [points to the door]
- Announcer: Look at Bender roll that dough!
- Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate: I've never seen such confident power strokes of the ass.
- Martha Stewart's Head: [suggestively] You've never seen mine...
- Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate: [Slyly] No, I haven't...
- Dr. Zoidberg: [about to kill himself in penance for framing Fry for destroying Farnsworth's bottle-in-a-ship] Here I go already!
- [attempts to pierce the sword through his body, but it just bends as his shell is too hard]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Huh?
- Chairman Koji: [yells] That sword cost five-thousand dollars!
- Dr. Zoidberg: [dropping the sword and points offscreen] Fry did it!
- [He yelps as he flees the scene]
- Helmut Spargle: [after tasting Bender's first meal] It is... acceptable.
- Bender: Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at. Wait, why'd you stopped eating, master?
- Helmut Spargle: Because, my stomach is about to explode.