- Karen Walker: Honey, I can't go. I have a home, a husband, and three beautiful stepchil... No, wait. Two. Two beautiful stepchildren. Sorry. Yeah. Olivia and...
- Jack McFarland: Mason?
- Karen Walker: Honey, I was getting there!
- Will Truman: [Knock at door] Jack, go away. Grace and I are... are naked and oiled up and about to engage in some Greco-Roman wrestling.
- Harlin Polk: [Through the door] How long you think that'll take, Will? I'm double-parked.
- Jack McFarland: Will, come on. I can only do this with you. You're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together.
- Will Truman: Wow. How am I gonna say no to that? No.
- Jack McFarland: Grace, I can only do this with you. You're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together!
- Will Truman: [after returning from trick or treating with Harlan's kids. His son is dressed as Nixon] Now wasn't that fun, kids? Oh, and Nixon, don't think I didn't see you steal that extra Abbazabba from the doorman at the Dakota.
- Grace Adler: So much for not being a crook.
- Jack McFarland: Dilemma. Donald and I were going to the parade tonight. We had a whole biblical thing planned. We were gonna go as Adam and Steve. But he crapped out on me. Pthbbt!
- Will Truman: [To Jack] It's gonna be hard to top last year. They went as secondhand smoke.
- Will Truman: [Him, Grace, and Harlan's kids are pointing silly string cans at each other in a standoff] OK. Nobody get... strung out.
- Jack McFarland: I had the best costume. My fig leaf was an actual fig leaf. I had to keep it in the crisper all week.
- Karen Walker: What, the leaf?