Stephanie Cole: Diana Trent

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Tom : Come along, feces. Come along, little birdies.

  [Diana swipes at them with her cane] 

  Tom : Diana, stop that. One of these days you'll actually hit one of my sparrows, and then how will you feel?

  Diana : Accurate.

  Tom : Oh, you're *unspeakable*!

  Diana : Well, I'm so bored. Oh, Jesu. How about you, Jane? Are you bored out of your wet little mind?

  Jane : [distractedly]  About half past ten.

  Diana : I see Basil the Bonker wasn't at breakfast again today.

  Jane : Oh, yes?

  Diana : Probably blown a fuse and caught fire.

  Jane : Probably.

  Diana : Mind you, I did see him and Nelly Piggott dancing naked with a headless goat last night.

  Jane : That's nice.

  Diana : Jane!

  Jane : [Jane finally turns around]  Yes, Diana?

• [last lines] 

  Geoffrey : Hello, Diana. Everything all right?

  Diana : Well, it depends on how you look at life, Geoffrey.

  Geoffrey : Sorry?

  Diana : Your wife is back.

  Geoffrey : Really? She OK?

  Diana : What would you prefer, Geoffrey: an addled slattern or a new-age puddle-duck spouting gibberish?

  Geoffrey : What?

  Diana : You'll see.

  Geoffrey : I must go to her.

  [he starts off, then turns back] 

  Geoffrey : If Marion's back, why are you still here?

  Diana : Ah. Yes, well, that's the other thing I wanted to ask you, Geoffrey. I wonder if you would be so kind as to check your main sewage outlet for a small brass key.

  [moves to show she is handcuffed to the car] 

• Geoffrey : My wife is now in some Welsh commune with a member of the clergy.

  Diana : And the rest of him, I trust.

  Geoffrey : What?

  Diana : Just being gratuitously coarse as is my wont.