- David Horton: Let's move on to the Gala. Any progress there, or is the climax of our show still "Owen and his Amazing Farting Duck"?
- [first lines]
- David Horton: Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.
- Owen Newitt: Good idea.
- Geraldine Granger: You're the boss.
- David Horton: Excellent. Ready, Frank?
- Frank Pickle: Absolutely.
- David Horton: Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?
- Jim Trott: Yes.
- Hugo Horton: Father.
- David Horton: Later, Hugo.
- Hugo Horton: I didn't say anything.
- David Horton: What do you mean?
- Hugo Horton: [his lips are not moving] Father. Father.
- David Horton: Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?
- Geraldine Granger: [dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.
- [post credits]
- Geraldine Granger: So, what do you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower?
- Alice Tinker: I don't know; what *do* you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower?
- Geraldine Granger: Shredded tweet.
- Alice Tinker: So the budgie's dead, then?
- Geraldine Granger: Yes, I should think so.
- [laughing]
- Geraldine Granger: It's shredded tweet.
- Alice Tinker: Poor little thing. It didn't even see the lawnmower coming. How could it know that death was just round the corner?
- Geraldine Granger: Alice, look, I'm not going to tell you these jokes any more if you're going to keep on responding like this. It's not a real budgie, OK? It's not a real lawnmower; it's just a joke.
- Alice Tinker: So the budgie's not dead?
- Geraldine Granger: No, it never got born.
- Alice Tinker: Never got born?
- Geraldine Granger: No.
- Alice Tinker: Poor little thing. Oh, so much beauty. So much potential; it never got born. Never saw the light of the sun, or felt the gentle rustling of the breeze through its feathers. Never went "tweekle, tweekle, tweekle, give me my Cottle Fizz."
- Geraldine Granger: Get out now. Go on, get out!
- Geraldine: What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?
- Owen Newitt: Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.
- Jim: No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!
- David Horton: Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?
- David Horton: Item six: Gala Night. Ideas for content?
- Jim: No, no, ye-yes! I saw this film the other night: the Full Monty. You get some music; I'll take all my clothes off.
- David Horton: And that would be entertaining, would it?
- Jim: They'll certainly get their money's worth. I'm taking off my truss and everything.
- David Horton: For God's sake! This is exactly the kind of interruption we're trying to avoid!
- Jim: Oh, uh, I thought you had meant the kind of thing like where, you know, you're talking about Owen's cattle. And I think you're talking about Owen's kettle. And I say I'll lend him mine, but... it's fused at the moment.
- David Horton: Yes. Well, that kind of thing can be pretty annoying, too. Moving on.
- Hugo: Your kettle really not working, Jim?
- Jim: No, no, absolutely knackered.
- Owen Newitt: I can lend you mine, at a very reasonable price.
- David Horton: [banging his gavel] Stop it right there!
- David Horton: Point one: the date of the Gala Night. I thought Valentine's day, February the fourteenth.
- Geraldine Granger: Yup, that sounds fine to me.
- David Horton: Thank God for that,
- Geraldine Granger: So long as you don't mind it being on the same day as the Cattle Show.
- Jim: Oh, are we having a Kettle Show?
- [last lines]
- Geraldine Granger: Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side?
- Alice Tinker: Oh, nice.
- [Frank is on stage, doing an incredibly boring "impressions" routine]
- Owen: [to David] I've got my shotgun in the van.
- David Horton: Load both barrels.