- Odo: Frankly, in my humble opinion, most of you humanoids spend far too much time on your respective mating rituals.
- Commander Sisko: It does help the procreation of one's species.
- Odo: Procreation does not require changing how you smell, or writing bad poetry, or sacrificing various plants to serve as tokens of affection.
- [Lwaxana Troi has taken off her wig]
- Lwaxana Troi: No one's ever seen me like this.
- Odo: Why? It looks fine.
- Lwaxana Troi: It looks ordinary. I've never cared to be ordinary. So you see, Odo, even we non-shapeshifters have to change who we are once in a while.
- Odo: You are not at all what I expected.
- Lwaxana Troi: No one's ever paid me a greater compliment.
- [Lwaxana Troi has suggested to Odo to have a picnic on one of the upper pylons]
- Odo: [peevish] I don't eat! This is not a real mouth. It is an approximation of one. I do not have an esophagus or a stomach or a digestive system. I am not like you. Every sixteen hours I turn into a liquid.
- Lwaxana Troi: [shrugs] I can swim.
- Odo: You're Betazoid?
- Lwaxana Troi: Of course.
- Odo: Telepathic?
- Lwaxana Troi: Yes.
- Odo: And you sense no guilt anywhere in this room?
- [Lwaxana Troi sighs and "scans" the room with her mind, then eyes Quark suspiciously]
- Lwaxana Troi: No. But Betazoids cannot read Ferengis.
- Odo: Quark has plenty of reason to feel guilty, but he usually doesn't have to resort to petty theft to fleece his clients.
- Quark: Thank you.
- [O'Brien is getting upset with the station computer]
- Commander Sisko: Relax, Chief, it's just a computer.
- Chief O'Brien: This is no computer. This is my archenemy!
- [Lwaxana Troi has lost her latinum hair brooch and is accusing Quark of theft, grabbing his ears]
- Lwaxana Troi: You are dealing with the daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx and the Holy Rings of Betazed!
- Quark: Ow, not my ear, please!
- Lwaxana Troi: Yes, and I know where it hurts the most, you little troll! Now I want this room sealed, and I want everyone in it strip-searched until you find my brooch!
- [Bashir has been assigned to chaperone a trio of visiting diplomats]
- Commander Sisko: Think of it as an opportunity, Doctor. You never know when a friendly ambassador is going to be in the right place at the right time to help your career.
- Dr. Julian Bashir: Another hour with them could destroy my career!
- Commander Sisko: It's a simple job: just keep them happy, and away from me.
- Dr. Julian Bashir: Simple? Nothing makes them happy! They are dedicated to being unhappy, and to spreading that unhappiness wherever they go! They are the Ambassadors of Unhappy!
- Odo: What seems to be the problem?
- Lwaxana Troi: Well, my brooch has been stolen. It's been in my family for 36 generations, it's absolutely priceless and I want it back!
- Odo: You're certain you were wearing it today?
- Lwaxana Troi: Yes, of course I'm certain. I never use this hair without it.
- Lwaxana Troi: Then I can just call you...?
- Odo: Odo.
- Lwaxana Troi: It has a certain lyrical quality.
- Odo: Lyrical?
- Lwaxana Troi: Odo... it rolls off the tongue.
- Odo: Uh, I have a lot of work to do.
- Lwaxana Troi: I understand you're a shapeshifter.
- Odo: That's correct.
- Lwaxana Troi: I've never been with a shapeshifter.
- Odo: [nervously] "Been with?"
- Lwaxana Troi: I've heard that you're the only one of your kind.
- Odo: So far.
- Lwaxana Troi: Mm. All the men I've known have needed to be shaped and molded and manipulated, and finally I've met a man who knows how to do it himself.
- [leans in towards him]
- Odo: Oh... is that the com? I think it is. Excuse me. I've got to get to ops.
- Odo: There was a minor incident at the bar that I helped her with, and now she's... grateful.
- Commander Sisko: What's the problem?
- Odo: The manner in which she expresses her gratitude. To be honest, Commander, she seems... interested in me.
- Commander Sisko: What's wrong with that?
- Odo: She's extremely aggressive.
- Commander Sisko: I see. So she's after you.
- Odo: Like a Wanoni tracehound.
- Chief O'Brien: Working with the Enterprise computer was like dancing a waltz. With this computer, it's always been like a wrestling match.
- Odo: [about his past] What was it like, huh? I guess you could say I was - huh - the life of the party.
- Lwaxana Troi: I... don't think I understand.
- Odo: My way of trying to fit in. I found I could be entertaining. "Odo, be a chair" - I'm a chair; "Odo, be a razorcat" - I'm a razorcat. Life of the party!
- [he chuckles sarcastically]
- Odo: I *hate* parties.
- Lwaxana Troi: Maybe you've just been to the wrong ones. Come to one of mine, I'll make sure that all the guests are there to entertain you.
- [Odo and Lwaxana Troi have been trapped in a turbolift]
- Odo: I... know that wasn't exactly what you had in mind for your picnic.
- Lwaxana Troi: When it comes to picnics, the only thing that really matters is the company.
- Odo: I'd really rather prefer to pass the time quietly.
- Lwaxana Troi: Quietly.
- Odo: Quietly.
- Lwaxana Troi: Of course.
- Odo: Thank you.
- Lwaxana Troi: [sighs] The Quiet Man.
- Odo: Mmm.
- Lwaxana Troi: You know, I've always been attracted to quiet men. Odd, isn't it? But maybe there's more truth than we realize to that old axiom that -
- [Odo glares at her]
- Lwaxana Troi: - Quietly.
- [sighs and sits on floor]
- Lwaxana Troi: Odo.
- Odo: [Somewhat annoyed] Yes?
- Lwaxana Troi: I don't think I can.
- Odo: Can what?
- Lwaxana Troi: Well, you don't have to say another word as long as we're here, but, I, I think I really need to talk.
- Odo: I understand.
- [Sits down next to her]
- Odo: There's nothing to be afraid of.
- Lwaxana Troi: Of course not.
- [laughs]
- Lwaxana Troi: No, things could be much worse.
- Odo: [Sarcastically] Really?
- Lwaxana Troi: [sighs] My daughter and I were once trapped aboard a Ferengi cargo ship, and it was dreadful. Well, all right, it wasn't actually dreadful. It was mildly lamentable, and it was all because of that loathsome DaiMon. Well, actually he wasn't altogether loathsome. He was just slightly repulsive. But he did have a certain charm, in an insufferable kind of way. Of course, he was totally at the mercy of his uncontrollable passion for me, which means he wasn't ALL bad, now, doesn't it? You know it wasn't all passion.
- [Odo begins looking at the wall of the lift]
- Lwaxana Troi: There was some negligible commercial interest involved. But, oh, the passion, oh, that was perfectly real, and kind of, um, kind of sweet in a way. He was so helpless. At first it was totally a question of expediency when I made love with him. But, um, what are you looking at?
- Odo: Hmm? Oh, uh, nothing. I was just wondering how many volts are in that exposed circuit. Go on. Go on.
- Lwaxana Troi: Well, frankly, by the time one thing led to another...
- [he rolls his eyes]
- Commander Sisko: Constable, you can handle thieves and killers, but not one Betazoid woman?
- Odo: I understand thieves and killers. I don't understand... her.
- Commander Sisko: All of us have had these assignments, Doctor.
- Dr. Julian Bashir: Have you, sir?
- Commander Sisko: As a matter of fact, Curzon Dax used to take perverse pleasure in assigning me to take care of V.I.P. guests.
- Dr. Julian Bashir: Ah, so now you take the same perverse pleasure in doing it to me.
- Commander Sisko: Exactly!
- Odo: I'm just trying to avoid a diplomatic incident; I don't want to insult the ambassador.
- Commander Sisko: A reasonable concern. I suggest you handle the matter with great delicacy.
- Odo: I don't handle "delicacy" very well.
- Odo: Your sensitivity and discretion are appreciated.
- Lwaxana Troi: Well, next time you see me, I'll give you a lot more to appreciate.
- [first lines]
- Commander Sisko: Station log, Stardate 64025.1. We have been honored with a visit by Federation ambassadors on a fact-finding mission to the wormhole.
- [last lines]
- Chief O'Brien: I was able to get our friend out of the main command pathways and into a subprogramme.
- Commander Sisko: You're suggesting we leave it there?
- Chief O'Brien: I don't see why not. It's happy. It's not bothering us anymore. It seems the humane thing to do.
- Lieutenant Dax: It's just another new lifeform visiting the station.
- Chief O'Brien: I'll take good care of it, make sure it gets enough attention and all.
- Commander Sisko: Keep it off for the furniture.
- Chief O'Brien: Yes, sir.