Soap (TV Series)

Episode #4.5 (1980)

Billy Crystal: Jodie Dallas

Quotes 

• [Jodie walks into a private investigator's office] 

  Jodie : Maggie Chandler?

  Maggie : What does it say on the door?

  Jodie : Maggie Chandler.

  Maggie : You think I walked into the wrong office this morning?

  Jodie : So much for small talk.

  Maggie : [not looking up from her typewriter]  Have a seat, I'll be with you in a sec. You're the guy with the missing kid?

  Jodie : Yes.

  Maggie : Why didn't you eat this morning?

  Jodie : I wasn't hung-how did you know?

  Maggie : You've been eying my Danish ever since you walked in here.

  Jodie : Very quick.

  Maggie : You're not getting any.

  Jodie : I've got you eating out the palm of my hand.

  Maggie : [turns to Jodie]  Queens.

  Jodie : Excuse me?

  Maggie : Your accent. Queens, with a touch of Manhattan mixed in. You probably live in Connecticut and you play a lot of ball. You don't smoke, you don't have any cats and you live with your mother, correct?

  Jodie : That's amazing.

  Maggie : Nothing to it. You see, that nasal tone in your voice is a 50/50 mix of New York working man and New York intellectual, hence the Queens and Manhattan. The whiney quality is obviously Connecticut. You have the body of a second baseman, I don't smell tobacco smoke on your clothes, there's no cat fuzz on your pants and your address is a family neighborhood. No smoking, no cats and mama.

  Jodie : I whine?

  Maggie : Well, I didn't say it wasn't pleasant.

  Jodie : [whining]  I don't whine.