The Simpsons (TV Series)
The President Wore Pearls (2003)
Yeardley Smith: Lisa Simpson
Photos
Quotes
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Lisa : Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art.
Principal Skinner : What about gym?
Lisa : [indifferent] Meh.
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Lisa : Principal Skinner, may I make an announcement to the school?
Principal Skinner : I can't see the harm.
Lisa : [taking his intercom microphone] I hereby resign as your president, and for my last act, I call a general student strike, effective immediately!
Principal Skinner : [taking it back] Give me that! Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined, unless all of you do it, then I'm stymied.
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Bart : [reading a school bulletin] "All extracurricular activities are hereby canceled, to be replaced by nothing."
Milhouse Van Houten : [the students all gasp] Who would sign such an order?
Bart : "As ordered by Principal Skinner and approved by student body president Lisa Simpson"!
Milhouse Van Houten : [the students all gasp again] And to think I was gonna ask you to the dance.
Lisa : I would have gone with you.
Milhouse Van Houten : Well, you still can.
Lisa : Well, I don't feel like it now.
Milhouse Van Houten : [groaning in disappointment] That's cool.
[slapping himself]
Milhouse Van Houten : Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
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Lisa : In the Swedish public schools, the students grade the teachers on their performance...
Principal Skinner : Outstanding notions! Each more implementable than the last.
Edna Krabappel : It's a shame you can't stay to discuss them. Here's your schedule for the day.
Lisa : [looking it over] "Photo op helping kindergartners take off snow boots", "move the brushfire hazard needle". Um, shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy?
Principal Skinner : Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed. Don't hide your light in a smoky back room, making dusty old decisions.
Lisa : [giggling happily] Well, I am proud of my light.
Principal Skinner : But just in case you want to do any more thinking, I'm proud to present you with an official key to the study hall. Use it anytime you like.
Lisa : You mean I can come to the school after hours, weekends, even during the summer?
Principal Skinner : Yes, it's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder. Just sign these authorization forms, and you can be on your way.
[she does so, and he leads her out]
Principal Skinner : [chuckling] That little girl should learn to read things before she signs 'em.
Lisa : [coming back] Excuse me? I was wondering if I should read what I just signed.
Principal Skinner : Oh, it's just standard key release boilerplate.
Lisa : [leaving] Okay.
Principal Skinner : Boy, she'll believe anything.
Lisa : [coming back again] Key release boilerplate? I find that very hard to believe.
Principal Skinner : Mm-hmm, and yet there it is.
[ushering her out]
Principal Skinner : I'll just lock this door.
Lisa : [coming back yet again] Boy, this key opens everything.
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Homer Simpson : [after Lisa is transferred to a new school] I'm not driving 45 minutes a day! You can't go to that school!
Lisa : But this is my dream.
Homer Simpson : Oh, why can't you have a normal dream like being an Olympic figure skater?
Lisa : [getting into the car] Okay, let me take figure skating.
Homer Simpson : [driving away] Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at 6:30 every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me.
Lisa : Well, what can I be?
Homer Simpson : I don't know. How about a horse whisperer?
Lisa : Okay.
Homer Simpson : Over my dead body.
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Marge Simpson : Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble-making I expect from your brother.
Bart : You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem.
[picking up a brick, he throws it at a school window; it rebounds and hits him in the head, knocking him out]
Lisa : Mom, I was elected to make this a better school.
Marge Simpson : Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym?
Lisa : They've taken away our crepe paper.
Marge Simpson : Those fuddruckers!
[police cars pull up, a siren whooping]
Marge Simpson : Oh, no, they heard me.
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Homer Simpson : I'll put everything on lucky 17.
[Lisa spins her prize wheel]
Homer Simpson : D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo!
[as the wheel slows down]
Homer Simpson : D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'ooooh!
[the wheel lands on 17]
Homer Simpson : Whoo-hoo!
Lisa : And the winner is... 17!
Homer Simpson : I win!
[hugging Marge]
Homer Simpson : This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One!
Marge Simpson : Ooh!
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Lisa : I can't beat Nelson.
Homer Simpson : Why don't you start a rumor that he's... ding-a-ling-a-ling!
[in a high-pitched falsetto, sing-songy voice]
Homer Simpson : Hello! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, what a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata.
Lisa : I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me.
[Homer prances around the front yard, humming]
Marge Simpson : Honey, you can be popular. You've just got to be yourself... in a whole new way.
Lisa : No, I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration: fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options...
Homer Simpson : [coming back in wearing a tutu, lisping] "My name is Nelson! I use a thalad fork. La-dee-dah! I wash my face."
Marge Simpson : Where did you get that tutu?
Homer Simpson : Clothesline.
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Milhouse Van Houten : Hey, Lisa, can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.
Lisa : Make it snappy, Milhouse. I've got an important meeting in the teachers' lounge.
Milhouse Van Houten : [taking a picture as she poses] The teachers' lounge. Is it true they make fun of students in there?
Lisa : Oh, don't be silly.
Groundskeeper Willie : [she opens the door] Look at me, I'm Milhouse. I've tucked me shirt into me underpants!
[teachers, Otto, and Skinner roar with laughter]
Groundskeeper Willie : I've got no friends, so I confide in Willie!
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Lisa : I think I can say with all humility, I am going to be the best school president ever.
Bart : [clapping, sarcastic] Bravo, Lisa. Bravo.
Marge Simpson : Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.
Bart : I was being sarcastic.
Marge Simpson : You were?
Bart : [with heavy sarcasm] No, I was being sincere.
Homer Simpson : Oh, I'm so confused.
Bart : Lise, Skinner is using you, like a pawn on his unholy chess set.
Homer Simpson : On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars.
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Lisa : And then, as school president, I don't have to take the hearing test.
Marge Simpson : I'm so proud of you, Lisa.
Lisa : [holding a hand to her ear] What?
Marge Simpson : You're like Geraldine Ferraro, except you won where she failed miserably.
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Lisa : Nelson, you're running for president?
Nelson Muntz : I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do have all the answer *keys* to every test.
[students clamor around him]
Nelson Muntz : [passing them out] Fractions? Dinosaurs? Foreign money? The first Thanksgiving?
Edna Krabappel : Nelson, what are you doing?
Nelson Muntz : Real estate license exam?
Edna Krabappel : [taking it] My ticket to freedom!
Lisa : [dismayed, as the students all start chanting for him] I'm doomed.
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Lisa : You tricked me into betraying my fellow students!
Principal Skinner : Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a placemat.
Chalmers : And not a good placemat. It's from some place called Doodles.
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Lisa : [singing] What have I done?
Bart : What they wanted you to.
Lisa : Skinner betrayed me.
Bart : But a tango takes two.
Milhouse Van Houten : I almost had a date. I've gotta tell Willie about this.