- [appearing on the stadium television]
- Sideshow Bob: Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
- Moe: What?
- Dr. Hibbert: Surely he's not talking about VH-1.
- Sideshow Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television, permanently!
- Homer Simpson: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
- Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing: I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.
- [Bob cuts the link. People start to panic, then Bob reappears]
- Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.
- Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap: We've searched this airbase from top to bottom, and all we've found is porno, porno, porno.
- Abe Simpson: [the air base is on full alert, in search of Sideshow Bob who has commandeered a nuclear bomb. Two soldiers are searching all the Port-A-Johns, finding Abe in one] This elevator only goes to the basement! And someone made an *awful* mess down there...
- Sideshow Bob: Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis, Bart Simpson. And his sister, Lisa, to whom I'm fairly indifferent.
- [Bart and Lisa run into a restriced Army Base, the front gate closes behind them]
- Marge: Wait!
- [to the guarding soldier]
- Marge: That's my children in there!
- Gate Guard: You should be very proud, ma'am.
- Chief Wiggum: All right, where's Sideshow Bob and that guy who uh, eats people and takes their faces?
- Prisoner: I'm right here, Chief.
- Chief Wiggum: OK, then. Where's Sideshow Bob?
- Prisoner: Eh, he ran off.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, I uh, beat him to death.
- [reading from a bomb's casing]
- Sideshow Bob: "Best before November 1959." Dammit, Bob. There were plenty of brand new bombs, but you had to go for that retro 50s charm.
- Milhouse Van Houten: [Milhouse is sitting in the cockpit of a grounded harrier jet, holding the control stick and making machine gun noises] Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!
- [Milhouse wildly pushes buttons on the console, eventually pressing the ejector seat button by accident. He goes flying off in to the distance]
- Homer Simpson: [Outside a razor-wire fence, Marge is bandaging up Homer's hands] Okay, so we *can't* go over the fence...
- Sideshow Bob: [high-pitched] All of Springfield trembles before the might of Sideshow Bob...! Blasted helium!
- Air Force Guard: Watch out! He's got his probe!
- Sideshow Bob: [after his demands are met] Yes. They're giving in.
- [pause]
- Sideshow Bob: Blast. I should've made more demands. Like some tasty marmalade... Well, maybe next time...
- Homer Simpson: [Bart is being held hostage on the Wright Brothers' plane. He climbs out on to the wing. Homer is driving his car just a few feet below] Jump, Bart! I got ya!
- [Bart throws Homer his backpack, but Homer misses it. It bounces off the hood of the car, gets run over by both the front and back wheel and then bursts into flame]
- Homer Simpson: Now you, boy!
- Bart Simpson: [Unbeknownst to Lisa, Bart is not wearing any underwear] Ahhh! Free and easy, Lis'! There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.
- Lisa Simpson: Huh? Bart we need to get out of here! Mom and Dad are probably worried sick!
- [She hears someone approaching]
- Lisa Simpson: Shh! Hide!
- [Both her and Bart leap into a nearby bush as the Colonel and his aide walk past]
- Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap: You know what really frosts my Kelvinator? That coward is still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole.
- Private: I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton than have to listen to that guy's snooty, high-toned voice again, sir!
- Lisa Simpson: [after the Colonel is gone] ... High toned voice... Bart, that's it! I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding!
- [Lisa runs to Bob's hideout, with Bart following]
- Lisa Simpson: When Bob was on the TV earlier, his voice was higher that normal, and what makes your voice high?
- Bart Simpson: Tight, binding underwear?
- Lisa Simpson: Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!
- [Bart isn't wearing underwear]
- Bart Simpson: Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort.
- Lisa: What are you talking about?
- Sideshow Bob: I renew my objection to this pointless endeavor. Informally now and by affidavit later. Time permitted.