The Simpsons (TV Series)

Lisa the Beauty Queen (1992)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Blue-Haired Laywer, Ballon Game Man, Groundskeeper Willie, Man in Crowd, Grampa, Dad in Commercial, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Klown, Hairdresser, Director, Scott Christian, Soldier #1, Nerd #2, Mayor Quimby

Quotes 

• Lisa : [sobbing]  I'm ugly, dad.

  Homer : No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.

  Lisa : Fathers have to say that.

  Homer : [as Grampa walks by]  Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?

  Grampa : No, you're homely as a mule's butt!

  Homer : [to Lisa]  See?

• Homer : Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.

  Marge : You're looking at her through a father's eyes.

  Homer : Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would, but to me she's beautiful.

  Marge : That is so sweet.

• Kent Brockman : [on TV]  Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.

  [the TV shows footage of a goat being fed a bottle of milk] 

  Kent Brockman : Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space", he wrote "Okay".

  Homer : [to Lisa]  If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.

  Lisa : Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?

  Homer : I don't know. Was I drunk?

  Lisa : Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.

  Homer : Really?

  Lisa : Uh-huh.

  Homer : Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?

  Lisa : It's a deal.

  [Lisa and Homer hug each other] 

  Kent Brockman : And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul II.

  [the goat footage plays again] 

  Kent Brockman : That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. Call the weekend guy, I don't care!

  [sound of Brockman slamming the door] 

• Blue-Haired Lawyer : Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth" is a registered Disneyland copyright.

  Principal Skinner : Oh now, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.

  Blue-Haired Lawyer : And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner.

  Principal Skinner : Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.

  [he finger-thrusts the first goon in the Adam's Apple, then kicks the lawyer in the chest; they both go down groaning; as the second goon runs away, Skinner picks up the lawyer's briefcase and flings it into the air; in the distance, it knocks down the goon] 

  Principal Skinner : Copyright expired.

• Homer : [saluting a group of marching, uniformed men]  Bless you boys.

  Marge : Homer, those are ice cream men.

  Homer : [wipes away a tear]  I know!

• Lisa : Do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?

  Homer : I dunno. Was I drunk?

  Lisa : Possibly.

• Homer : Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?

  Moe Szyslak : Um, no.

  Homer : How about you, Barney?

  Barney Gumble : Not for a second!

  [belches] 

• Lisa : My name is Lisa Simpsons, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place!

  Homer : Yeah, clean up this stink hole!