- Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
- Lisa: What are we gonna have?
- Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
- Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
- Bart: Poison pizza.
- Homer: Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.
- Homer: Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.
- Jasper: [Jasper catches Grandpa stealing his false teeth, and pulls a gun] Well, well... If it isn't the tooth fairy.
- [as punishment for letting Maggie wander off, Homer decrees that Bart can never go to the "Itchy & Scratchy Movie."]
- Bart: Dad, you gotta let me see that movie! Can't you just give me a spanking?
- [drops his pants, turns around, and bends over]
- Bart: Come on, go nuts!
- Homer: Don't point that thing at me!
- [on the bridge of the Enterprise, everyone is well past their prime]
- Cpt. Kirk: Captain's log, Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens.
- Announcer: "Star Trek XII: So Very Tired"... see the original cast in the latest and greatest adventure!
- [three Birds of Prey confront the Enterprise]
- Sulu: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.
- Cpt. Kirk: [exasperated] Again with the Klingons.
- [activates communicator]
- Cpt. Kirk: Mr. Scott, give me full power.
- [in the engine room]
- Scotty: It's no good, captain.
- [Scotty is too fat reach the engineering computer]
- Scotty: I ca'not reach the control panel!
- Kent Brockman: Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years.
- Man: [hic] Kill me.
- [hic]
- Man: Kill me.