Seinfeld (TV Series)
The Switch (1995)
Jason Alexander: George Costanza
Quotes
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George Costanza : Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?
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Jerry : So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza : It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry : What's she like?
George Costanza : Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine : Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry : What is it?
George Costanza : I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine : You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry : I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza : Cosmo.
George Costanza : Cosmo.
Jerry , Elaine : [both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer : [entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?
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Jerry Seinfeld : I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
George Costanza : Are you crazy? This is like discovering plutonium by accident!
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Jerry Seinfeld : Can't be done, huh?
George Costanza : The switch?
Jerry Seinfeld : The switch.
George Costanza : Can't be done.
Jerry Seinfeld : I wonder.
George Costanza : Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization, no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the middle ages, you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
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Jerry Seinfeld : So I tell Sandy that I want to have a ménage à trois with her and her roommate.
George Costanza : That's right.
Jerry Seinfeld : And you believe this course of action will have a 2-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.
George Costanza : Keep going.
Jerry Seinfeld : At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.
George Costanza : Continue.
Jerry Seinfeld : The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.
George Costanza : A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which of course she cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.
Jerry Seinfeld : It all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it. They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that.
George Costanza : You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, if you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem.
Jerry Seinfeld : It's the perfect plan. It's so inspired, so devious, yet so simple.
George Costanza : This is what I do.
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George Costanza : I'm paying for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet!
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George Costanza : Hey, what happened with Sandy? I forgot all about it. Did you call her?
Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.
George Costanza : So, what happened? Did she throw you out, huh?
Jerry Seinfeld : No, actually she took it pretty well.
George Costanza : So, what happened?
Jerry Seinfeld : She's into it.
George Costanza : Into what?
Jerry Seinfeld : The ménage. Not only that, she just called me. She told me she spoke with the roommate and the roommate's into the ménage too.
George Costanza : That's unbelievable!