- J.D.: Look uh... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
- Janitor: When did you see my penis?
- J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
- Janitor: Where were you?
- J.D.: I was outside in the bushes.
- J.D.: [Janitor makes confused, sighing noise] Look, it was just a coincidence man. I mean, eh, if you had looked out the window you would've seen my penis.
- Janitor: What? Why?
- J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.
- Dr. Perry Cox: So, what you're saying is that you have a problem that is *totally* your problem, but you'd like to find a way to make that problem *my* problem. But here's the problem, Newbie: it's not my problem.
- Hermann Mueller: Hey, you must be Doctor Dorian. I'm Lars' brother, Hermann.
- J.D.: Herman the German, ha, you must get that all the time.
- Hermann Mueller: Nope, first time... hope it catches on.
- Jordan Sullivan: All right... I'll see you at home in about an hour. Remember: keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every 15 minutes, no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot... and Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate or mock the baby.
- Dr. Perry Cox: What are you talking about?
- [the baby cries a little]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Waaa! And have you bothered to name this thing yet?
- Jordan Sullivan: I think I'm naming him after my father.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Tax Evader?
- Jordan Sullivan: Quinn.
- Dr. Perry Cox: How about a heterosexual name, like Jack?
- Jordan Sullivan: You're right, Percival: Quinn is a foofy name...
- J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor...
- [the Janitor rolls his eyes]
- J.D.: ...I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
- Janitor: When did you see my penis?
- J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
- Janitor: Where were you?
- J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
- [the Janitor takes a second to process this answer]
- Janitor: Uhhh...
- J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
- Janitor: What? Why?
- J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!