- House of Careers employee: Eh, how, how fast do you type?
- The Masked Lobster: Oh... 'bout two, three words a day.
- Dick Martin: Don't tell me you don't believe in free love.
- Nancie Phillips: I don't.
- Dick Martin: I told you not to tell me.
- Art Carney: You know, if they continue with these communal marriages, they'll have to give quantity discount divorces.
- Silent Movie Star: The studio called today and wanted me to do a talkie. I was quite surprised. I thought I was dead.
- Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph! Yo, Ralph! Hey, Ralph! Come on upstairs! It's time to watch Laugh-In!
- Ralph Kramden: [off screen] Norton, are you crazy? You don't have a set!
- Ed Norton: That's the best way to watch that show!
- [laughs]
- Ed Norton: All right, we'll use your set! Come on up, will ya?
- [Ralph enters and Norton notices that Ralph is African-American]
- Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, you ask me, I think you been up in that Miami Sun a little too long.
- Ralph Kramden: Norton, shut up and turn on the set!
- Lt. Peaches: I admit there's a certain amount of police brutality. I look at my paycheck every week and it's brutal.
- Nancie Phillips: What do you call an intoxicated midget?
- Dick Martin: What was that, Nancie?
- Nancie Phillips: I said, What do you call an intoxicated midget?
- Dick Martin: Oh, a little drunk.