- Michael Caine: I know it's none of my business, but really, you should get out of Vietnam, you know. It's a war you can't win. And you can't afford to lose. It's much the same position England was in, when your George Washington started his ruckkus with us.
- Announcer: And now, here are two gentlemen who need no introduction, because they already know each other. Dan Rowan, coming to you from high atop the Empire State building, trying to rescue Fay Wray from the clutches of his partner, the lovely Dick Martin.
- Jo Anne Worley: Moving right along...
- [laughs]
- Jo Anne Worley: Here's the pied piper of puberty; the leaping leprechaun of the lollypop set; here's our very own Uncle Al.
- General Bull Wright: Drop your socks and grab your notes. You people will take pencils. What? Well, they know what I mean.
- General Bull Wright: Look alive congress, give our nation what it needs most: guaranteed annual war!
- General Bull Wright: An America at war with someone else, is an America at peace with itself. Remember. Make war, not love.
- Mother: [on her death bed] And remember, always cheat the insurance company... they expect it of you!
- Jeremy Lloyd: I regret to report that the Beatles have fallen on hard times. The other day, I saw them passing the same cigarette around.
- Used Car Salesman: Now, don't worry about the mechanical condition of this car, madame. It's guaranteed for twenty miles or ten years, whichever comes first.
- Jo Anne Worley: Boris and I joined a sexual freedom league and within two weeks we were in first place.
- Michael Caine: I was in a Burbank dinner and ordered kidney pie. They said they didn't carry it, the hospital refused to deliver.