Roseanne (TV Series)

Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker (1991)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

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Quotes 

• Roseanne : [trying to return a dog D.J. brought home]  Yeah, You wouldn't believe the day Lorrain's had. First, first her car breaks down, and now a kitchen fire. And, ah man, the way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing is, that some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.

• Darlene : [everyone walks into the kitchen, except D.J; they discover a muttly dog standing in D.J.'s chair at the table, and eating cereal out of his bowl]  What's this?

  Roseanne : Dan, I told you we shouldn't let D.J. have that chemistry set.

• Dan : [about the dog D.J. brought home]  He is cute.

  Roseanne : Oh, yeah, well, you just fall in love with anything that licks your nose.

• Roseanne : [on the phone with Lorraine, the mother of the boy who gave D.J. the dog]  Hello, Lorraine? Yeah, it's Roseanne Conner... Yeah! Yeah, your dog's here... No, I don't blame you at all, you had to take a shot...

• Dan : You know, I feel sorry for that little dog, nobody wants him. It's so pitiful.

  Roseanne : That reminds me, I need to call Jackie...

• Bonnie Watkins : When I'm feeling down, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone.

  Roseanne : Well, see, now, that's where we differ. When I'm in a bad mood, I can't wait to spread it around.

• Roseanne : [to Gordon, the security guard who is worried that he will be fired if anyone finds out that he let Roseanne and her friend into Rodbell's diner after closing]  Oh Gordon, if you get fired, it'll be because of those "Mr. Lonely" parties you have in the mattress department.

• Roseanne : [shouts]  What the hell were you *thinking*!

  Jackie : [hysterically]  I was thinking, that I just lost a great guy like Gary, and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy! I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arms, and pelican neck! And all my house plants are dead, and no one loves me; but what difference does that make anyway, because everything in my life *sucks*!

• Jackie : [about sleeping with Arnie]  I was drunk... I-I made a mistake.

  Roseanne : A mistake? A mistake. Jackie. Do I have to remind you that when we were all in high school, every one of us took a *blood* oath, that this man would never be given the chance to *breed*!

• Dan : [walks into the living room]  Hey Hunny, why didn't you tell me Leon is gay?

  Roseanne : [snarls]  What difference does it make? You're all *pigs*!

  [without a word, Dan makes a hasty retreat back to the kitchen] 

• Dan : Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?

  Roseanne : What difference does it make? You're all pigs!