Roseanne (TV Series)

Santa Claus (1991)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• Child : [Roseanne is dressed as Santa]  Remember this?

  [indicating the teddy bear he brought with him] 

  Roseanne : Well now, Jason, Santa sees an awful lot of teddy bears.

  Child : You gave it to me last year.

  Roseanne : Well that's because you were such a good boy!

  Child : I hate it! I wrote you a letter asking for a truck.

  Roseanne : Hmmm. Mrs. Claus, come here a minute, please.

  Jackie : [dressed as Mrs. Claus]  Yes, Santa.

  Roseanne : There seems to be some mix up. I never got Jason's letter. Now I want you to get on the phone and find the elf responsible for this, and fire him immediately! He's gone! He's history!

  Jackie : Right away, Santa!

  Roseanne : Happy now, Jason?

  [Jason nods] 

• Sammy Miller : [after Rosanne, dressed as Santa asks what he wants for Christmas]  A BB Gun!

  Roseanne : [sees Sammy's mother, Karen, shaking her head no]  Oh, sorry, Santa's fresh outta guns this year.

  Sammy Miller : Aww come on, Santa. See, I don't have a dad, and I need a gun to protect the house.

  Karen Miller : You do too have a dad, geez!

  Roseanne : Oh, you fibbed to Santa! You're getting clothes.

  Sammy Miller : Mom!

  Karen Miller : Well, Santa, he has been pretty good this year, so I think... a sled would be OK.

  Roseanne : [to Sammy]  Well, ok but listen, I know when you're asleep and I know when you're awake, see? You step out of line one more time, you're going to wake up Christmas Morning knee deep in sweaters!

• Roseanne : [to a grumpy-looking kid]  That's okay. Santa doesn't believe in you either.

• Roseanne : [finding out the Santa job pays $10 an hour and Mrs. Claus pays $7.50]  Why did we burn our bras in the 60's? Why did we march on Washington? Why did Mary Tyler Moore just take her hat and throw it up in the air? For $2.50 less than Santa?