- Roseanne: I was thinking since you used to be a cop, maybe you know some of the tricks to beat a lie detector.
- Jackie Harris: There are *no* tricks, it's a machine, you can't beat a machine.
- Roseanne: I think I could beat it.
- Jackie Harris: It measures your heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory, things you can't control.
- Roseanne: I think I could.
- Jackie Harris: The only people who can beat it are people with no conscience: psychos, sickos, pathological liars.
- Roseanne: [grins] I *know* I can.
- Mr. Evans: [asking Roseanne about Leon, during a lie-detector test for Rodbells] Have you seen him exhibit any unusual behavior?
- Roseanne: Oh. I know what this is all about. You're trying to scrounge up some dirt on Leon just because he's gay! Well, I ought to call the ACLU, because this is totally un-American. And I'm not going to give you any help on your little witch-hunt, no crappy job is worth that!
- [pause]
- Roseanne: You did know he was gay, didn't ya?
- Mr. Evans: No.
- Dan Conner: So don't take it, they can't fire you if you refuse.
- Roseanne: Of course they can, Dan, they just wouldn't say that that was why. They'd just say that I was always late or rude to the customers or something like that.
- Dan Conner: Tell you what, next time one of the kids has a problem, I'll send them right to you.
- Roseanne: This is a problem I *wanted*.
- Dan Conner: DJ! Let's go! What took so long?
- D.J. Conner: [holds up jock strap] I have to wear this for gym today but I don't know how to put it on.
- Dan Conner: Sounds like a problem.
- [beaming at Roseanne]
- Dan Conner: You want to take this one?
- Roseanne: Becky! Next time you let your car hog up all the driveway like that, I'm getting it towed to Indianapolis!
- Darlene Conner: I need a guy's opinion about something.
- Dan Conner: Okay, I'll be the guy.
- Darlene Conner: Alright, uh, lets say that you were real good friends with this girl and you made a move on her and she turned you down.
- Dan Conner: Why then I'd applaud her high moral standards.
- Darlene Conner: That's a dad opinion. I need a guy opinion, an honest one.
- Dan Conner: Then I'd run and tell all my buddies I scored.
- Mr. Evans: [about Roseanne] To the best of your knowledge, is she on any medication?
- Leon Carp: No... but I think she should be.
- Mr. Evans: So you consider her a good employee?
- Leon Carp: Well now, that's a poser.
- Mr. Evans: Yes or no, Mr. Carp.
- Leon Carp: Okay, yes.
- [sparks fly out of the lie detector machine]
- Leon Carp: I was afraid that would happen.