- [last lines]
- Rimmer: Incredible. A stupendous moment in my personal history. The perfectly preserved remains of a Quagaar warrior.
- Lister: Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.
- Rimmer: They must have looked something like... a roast chicken.
- [end credits begin to roll, then freeze after a few seconds]
- Rimmer: [voice over] It's a garbage pod!
- [credits resume, and freeze again after a few seconds]
- Rimmer: [voice over] IT'S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!
- Holly: [reading Lister's confidential report] David Lister: Technician, 3rd Class. Captain's remarks: Has requested sick leave due to diarrhoea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero.
- Holly: [reading Rimmer's confidential report] Arnold Rimmer: Technician 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: There's a saying amongst the officers, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer". He aches for responsibility, but constantly fails the engineering exam.
- Rimmer: Wait, Holly. I want *my* report. RIMMER. That's two m's e-r.
- Holly: Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical.
- Rimmer: No, Holly. I want my report. RIMMER. That's 2 R's. One at the front, one at the back.
- Holly: Arnold, this is your report.
- Holly: The most interesting event that happened recently was that Lister pretended to pass the chef's exam, although really he failed. That gives you some idea about how truly exciting some days can be around here.
- [after Lister explains that cat books use smells]
- Rimmer: You ought to try reading you shirt sometime, Lister. It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo.