Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Pete: Part 1 (1999)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Quotes 

• Lister : Who are you? What's your name?

  Birdman : [holding his sparrow]  They call me Birdman.

  Lister : Oh, aye? Why's that?

  Rimmer : [sarcastically]  Because he really likes instant custard! Why do you think?

• [about Baxter] 

  Rimmer : Look at him. The big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after him. He'd need a sander to get rid of the tide mark and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.

• Rimmer : Permission to snigger, sir.

  Captain Frank Hollister : Permission - denied.

  Rimmer : We might have to snigger anyway, sir.

  [Lister and Rimmer snigger between themselves] 

• Birdman : [introduces his sparrow to Lister and Rimmer]  This is Pete. He's nine years old, which in sparrow years is nine years old, so that makes him...

  [thinks] 

  Rimmer : Nine?

  Birdman : Nine, that's right! You've met him before, have you?

• Captain Hollister : I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much-respected officer yesterday.

  Rimmer : That is just not true sir. We played the prank on Mr. Ackerman, sir.

  Rimmer : [Lister nudges him]  Oh, I see!

• Lister : Looks like they've all frozen on the spot.

  Rimmer : Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.

• Rimmer : Killcrazy's insane. He's always coming up with strange ideas. He reckons that if you go to the loo in a plane, it drops straight out. And that's why they don't let you go to the loo while the plane's still standing on the runway... for fear of skid starts.

  Lister : He's probably right.

  Rimmer : Course he isn't.

  Lister : Why else wouldn't they let you go, then?

  Rimmer : I don't know. They're probably helping you break up your journey. If they don't you go to the loo first off, you'll have nothing to do after you've eaten your cheese.

  Lister : No, Killcrazy's probably right. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap.

  Rimmer : 'Cos of all the flushing planes?

  Lister : Yeah. Well, think about it. You can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue, and every time you go out, you have to have a washable hat and leg it to your car.

  Rimmer : It's the noise. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap; 'cos of the noise.

  Lister : The noise?

  Rimmer : Yeah.

  Lister : They're half a mile up. You'll never be able to hear people in the loo from that distance. Not unless you are like my Uncle Dan.