Queer as Folk (TV Series)
The Art of Desperation (2001)
Hal Sparks: Michael Novotny
Quotes
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Michael : [looking at the drawing of Brian] I think the artist has taken some liberties.
Brian : Well, it's a perfect likeness.
Michael : Come on, it was never that big.
Brian : Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.
Michael : I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hours.
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Emmett Honeycutt : [Emmett meets David for the first time.] Oh my God. That guy over there looks exactly like Matthew McConaughey. Maybe he smokes pot, naked.
[to David]
Emmett Honeycutt : Excuse me!
Dr. David Cameron : [laughs] He doesn't hold anything back.
Michael : He was toning it down for you.
Brian : [sits on Michael's lap] Where the fuck have you been?
Michael : Brian, this is David.
Brian : Oh, fuck me, the new beau!
Dr. David Cameron : I've heard a lot about you.
Brian : I've heard a lot about you too. Sixteen right, eleven left?
Dr. David Cameron : Excuse me?
Michael : Nothing.
[to Brian]
Michael : You're tweaked, what are you on?
Brian : Oh, E, K, G.H.B. Most of the letters on "Sesame Street".
Michael : You'll get dehydrated, taking all that shit. I'm gonna get you some water.
[to David]
Michael : You want a beer?
Dr. David Cameron : Sure.
[Michael leaves]
Dr. David Cameron : You've got him well trained.
Brian : Well, he takes care of me, and I take care of him. So, Doc, do you fuck all of your patients?
Dr. David Cameron : Well, if you're referring to Michael I released him from my care, before we went out together. What about you? What do you do?
Brian : Advertising.
Dr. David Cameron : Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself.
Brian : Yeah, I could do it in my sleep.
Dr. David Cameron : I bet you could.
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[last lines]
Dr. David Cameron : Who are you thinking about?
Michael : What?
Dr. David Cameron : When you close your eyes, who are you thinking about?
-
[first lines]
Michael : [narrating voice over] Okay, so I'm a gay man with a superhero fetish. Yes, we're out there. And, no, it doesn't have anything to do with immaturity. I think we gay boys learn important lessons from comic books. One, there are a lot of villains out there, so you better develop some secret powers. Two, if you have a good body, you can wear tight clothes. And, three, it's always good to be part of a dynamic duo.
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Michael : I totally blew it.
Brian : Don't worry, there's still plenty of creepy, old man out there who'd love to get in your pants.
Michael : He wasn't that old. He wasn't creepy; he was nice. First doctor...
Brian : Chiropractor.
Michael : That counts. I think.
[they are interrupted by the owner of the comic bookstore.]
Comic Store Worker : Ah... We got in the new "Catwoman".
Michael : Cool!
[the guy walks away after showing Michael the comic book.]
Michael : He takes me this really nice restaurant, I behave like a fucking idiot, dressed up like some slick asshole.
Brian : Hey! That was my twelve hundred dollar leather jacket.
Michael : It wasn't me. You know why, Because I'm nobody. That's my problem.
[Brian is checking out the owner of the shop.]
Michael : Are you even listening to me?
Brian : I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that, would we?
Michael : Just forget I said anything. Oh, wow! Look, it's the new Eletra Woman doll. I'm gonna buy this for Gus.
Brian : Don't. I don't want a gay kid.
Michael : He's being raised by two lesbians. He's going to need a feminine influence. Besides, it'll be a collector's item.
-
Dr. David Cameron : [Michael is waiting for David in his office, when he walks in.] I didn't realize we'd scheduled a follow-up visit.
Michael : We didn't. I told them it was an emergency.
Dr. David Cameron : What's the problem?
Michael : I'm a jerk. Can you adjust that?
Dr. David Cameron : Provided it's not a permanent condition.
Michael : See, the thing is, I don't date very often. You know, real, eat-a-meal, talk, stare-into-each-other's-eyes kinda date. So I... I kind of freaked. And I'm sorry, I was such an asshole.
Dr. David Cameron : You weren't an asshole.
Michael : Believe me, I've seen assholes, and...
[realizing the pun]
Michael : I mean..., ah..., I feel shitty about it..., and I really like you. And I think you might actually have liked me.
Dr. David Cameron : I do like you.
Michael : You do? Well, do you think we could start over?
Dr. David Cameron : Sit down. You're adorable, you know that?
-
Dr. David Cameron : I've never seen so many comic books.
Michael : That's what everybody I bring home says. I mean, people have told me that.
Dr. David Cameron : Uh-hmm. Who's the big fella?
Michael : Captain Astro. Uhm, my friend Emmett, he's staying with me. It was supposed to be a temporary thing but he's become sort of a squatter, may come home at any time, so sorry about that.
Dr. David Cameron : You don't have to apologize for everything.
Michael : I know, I do that. I'm sorry.
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Michael : Lindsay, this is David.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson : Nice to meet you!
Dr. David Cameron : Nice to meet you!
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : [carrying Gus, greeting from afar] Whoa, Michael!
Michael : [freezes] Let's go check out the vagina sculptures first, get it over with.
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Brian : [to Justin and Daphne] Oh, look, it's the cast of "Zoom".
Daphne Chanders : We're celebrating. Justin sold some of his art today.
Justin Taylor : The one of you... naked.
Michael : Who'd buy that?
Emmett Honeycutt : Probably some desperate queen who's always pined for you.
Brian : Oh, Ted, how thoughtful.
