- Oscar Madison: Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.
- Messenger Boy: Mr. Oscar Madison?
- Oscar Madison: Yeah.
- Messenger Boy: You have a singing telegram.
- Oscar Madison: Lay it on me, kid.
- Messenger Boy: [singing] Seasons' greetings, Oscar, boy - my alimony's due. If you don't pay up right away, I'll get the cops on you, And you'll spend Christmas in the clink, with other bums like you.
- [speaking]
- Messenger Boy: Signed, your former wife, Blanche Madison
- [he holds out his hand]
- Oscar Madison: You expect a tip from me for that?
- Messenger Boy: What tip? She sent it collect.