Jack Klugman: Oscar Madison, Ebenezer Madison

Quotes 

• Oscar Madison : Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.

• Messenger Boy : Mr. Oscar Madison?

  Oscar Madison : Yeah.

  Messenger Boy : You have a singing telegram.

  Oscar Madison : Lay it on me, kid.

  Messenger Boy : [singing]  Seasons' greetings, Oscar, boy - my alimony's due. If you don't pay up right away, I'll get the cops on you, And you'll spend Christmas in the clink, with other bums like you.

  [speaking] 

  Messenger Boy : Signed, your former wife, Blanche Madison

  [he holds out his hand] 

  Oscar Madison : You expect a tip from me for that?

  Messenger Boy : What tip? She sent it collect.