- Yetta Rosenberg: Fifty? Please! She's got brassieres older than 50! If she's 50, then I'm... what do ya know? She's 50!
- [Fran and C.C. are locked in the wine cellar and no one knows they're there. Fran is screaming for help.]
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: Save it. No one's going to hear you. This was originally built as a bomb shelter.
- Fran Fine: Hey! Don't underestimate the power of these adenoids. I once had next door neighbors that moved *closer* to the airport!
- Yetta Rosenberg: Schmooie, come here. I'll introduce you to your Uncle Stanley
- [whispers]
- Yetta Rosenberg: just play along. Stan look, Schmooie! You haven't seen him since he was this big. He's being Bar Mitzvahed while you're on your cruise.
- Uncle Stanley: Sorry we're going to miss it. This is from me and your Aunt Cookie
- [gives him cash]
- Uncle Stanley: .
- Brighton Sheffield: Thank you very much!
- Yetta Rosenberg: [to Brighton] We split everything 50/50.
- Fran Fine: This room is kind of small, isn't it?
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: Why? Are you claustrophobic?
- Fran Fine: Oh thank you, now you've put it in my head, and I'm reliving that dressing room at Lowmans... 200 naked women all screaming 'WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?' I clung to my mother's girdle! Dimples, dimples everywhere! And not a single one on the face!
- Fran Fine: I don't drink.
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: Then what do you do when you're tense?
- Fran Fine: Hair.
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: What?
- Fran Fine: I do hair.
- [looks at C.C]
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: Forget about it.
- Fran Fine: Okay, fine...
- [singing, low]
- Fran Fine: 99 bottles of beer on the wall... 99 bottles of beer... t
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: Can you do a cute little French twist?
- Fran Fine: [while she is doing C.C.'s hair in the wine cellar] ...Mint Chocolate Chip, Jamocha Almond Fudge, Pralines 'n' Cream. That's it. That's 30. Oh my God, they lied. Why? - 30's a lot. Is 31 so catchy? Oh, wait a minute. I forgot the sherbets. All right, I'll start again. Vanilla, Chocolate...
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: [stands up and screams] Stop it!
- Fran Fine: You know, this reminds me of when Blair and Tootie got caught in Mrs. Garrett's walk-in freezer. Thank God, Natalie went in for a midnight snack, surprise, surprise.
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: These are the topics we can no longer discuss: what Woolite can and cannot do, anyone with the last name "Cassidy", odd-shaped moles on Eastern Europeans...
- Fran Fine: All right, OK, but you're really restricting the conversation.
- Brighton Sheffield: [inhaling helium] My name is Maggie and I have no friends.
- Margaret 'Maggie' Sheffield: Brighton, you're so immature.
- Fran Fine: [also on helium] Yeah Brighton, you're so immature!
- Sylvia Fine: [loudly, outside] I wonder if Fran is home. I will go inside and see.
- Everyone: Surprise!
- Yetta Rosenberg: [at the kitchen door] Will you wait until she comes in?
- Sylvia Fine: [feigning surprise] A birthday party, I had no idea! Look at me!
- [shows off her red sparkling dress]
- Sylvia Fine: We were on our way to see Shawshank Redemption!
- Fran Fine: Ma, I hope you fake it better with Daddy?
- Sylvia Fine: I was his first. What would he know?
- Chastity Claire 'C.C.' Babcock: Tonight, there's a full moon.
- [C.C. leaves the room]
- Fran Fine: Well, I hope she packed a lot of Nair.
- Margaret 'Maggie' Sheffield: It's your daughter's 50th birthday.
- Yetta Rosenberg: 50? She's got brassieres older than that! Why if she's 50, I'm... what do you know? My daughter's 50.