- Abi Harper: I'm so excited! I just can't wait! I really can't wait! Ooh! How am I going to last until the weekend?
- Michael Harper: Eat sensibly and take plenty of exercise!
- Abi Harper: I've, er, got a date on Friday.
- Susan Harper: Who with?
- Abi Harper: With Janey.
- Michael Harper: You and Janey? That managed to break about 15 taboos and still be a turn-off!
- Ben Harper: I don't get it. Why does Michael want to hang around with swotty, four-eyed Hubert?
- Susan Harper: Because he's swotty, four-eyed Michael.
- Ben Harper: Yeah, when I was his age, I used to hang around with the fast, cool crowd.
- Susan Harper: Oh, right. The ones that made you eat your own balaclava?
- Ben Harper: Yeah!
- Susan Harper: Didn't they also flush your conkers down the loo?
- Ben Harper: Oh, the lads! The lads, oh! Those were the days!
- Susan Harper: And trick you into kissing a golden retriever?
- Ben Harper: [Looking crestfallen] It wasn't a trick. And I enjoyed it!
- Ben Harper: Which maniac parked his car seat at the foot of the stairs? I could've been killed!
- Susan Harper: Were you?
- Ben Harper: No, not quite.
- Susan Harper: Then shut up and stop fussing. Janey's here.
- Ben Harper: Oh, *that* maniac!
- Ben Harper: [about Janey] She's with Abi giving fashion advice.
- Susan Harper: Oh, great. The blonde leading the bonkers.
- Susan Harper: So it doesn't matter to you that he's tried to get off with your wife?
- Ben Harper: Susan, you know, it's normal! It's a phase teenagers go through - you know, having a crush on a much, much older woman.
- Susan Harper: [Gives Ben a stern look]
- Ben Harper: Of course, I'd fancy you if I was him.
- Susan Harper: That's sweet.
- Ben Harper: Yeah, at 17, you'd fancy anything. I suppose you can't help being flattered by the attentions of a young stud, but believe me... come on! At that age... a tick-infested sheep in a rainstorm can begin to look attractive!
- Susan Harper: But don't you find it traumatic?
- Michael Harper: Having gob-free hair?
- Susan Harper: No. To think of me and one of your friends... you know, like that?
- Michael Harper: It's no more gross than the thought of you and dad.
- Michael Harper: [after being given a wedgie by his bullies] Happy now?
- Ben Harper: Yes, thanks.
- [to Susan]
- Ben Harper: Wedgie.
- Susan Harper: What's a wedgie?
- Ben Harper: [Slowly gives Susan a wedgie without her realising]
- Susan Harper: ARGH!