My Family (TV Series)

The Unkindest Cut (2001)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : [after Susan revealed she may be pregnant]  Susan! You can't say something like that and just walk out!

  Susan Harper : Oh, so now you want to talk?

  Ben Harper : Yes, but... how... how did this happen?

  Susan Harper : Do I have to explain this every time? Nick - how did this happen? Janey - how did this happen? Michael... well, we both said how did this happen.

  Ben Harper : Well, at least that proves there is a God... and he hates me!

• Dr. Charles : We perform a procedure known as the non-scalpel vasectomy, or NSV.

  Susan Harper : See, Ben? No scalpel.

  Ben Harper : Good. Good.

  Dr. Charles : Instead, we use sharpened forceps to create the incision in the scrotum.

  Ben Harper : Bad! Bad!

  Dr. Charles : I can assure you, Mr Harper, you will only feel a slight discomfort.

  Ben Harper : I'm a dentist! I know what 'slight discomfort' means - it means it hurts like hell!

• Susan Harper : [Deciding who should stop Janey and Michael arguing]  You or me?

  Ben Harper : I took out the bin bag.

  Susan Harper : I made dinner.

  Ben Harper : That's why it was so heavy.

• Ben Harper : [Watching a football game]  Oh-ho, yes! He shoots... yes, he scores! Yay!

  Susan Harper : I think I may be pregnant.

  Ben Harper : [Shocked]  What?

  Susan Harper : He shot, he scored, indeed!

• Susan Harper : Are you awake?

  Ben Harper : Yes, I'm awake. Strangely enough, I can't sleep. Maybe it's something to do with the casserole. Or wait - perhaps it's something to do with the fact that my wife thinks she might be pregnant!

  Susan Harper : Oh, please. Don't get all excited.

  Ben Harper : Perhaps you should have said that in Paris!

• Susan Harper : I want your opinion.

  Ben Harper : Oh, no, no way! I'm not falling for that again! Uh-huh! It's like those plastic inflatable chairs we had at the wedding. Remember that? You asked for my opinion, I told you what I thought, you just got angry!

  Susan Harper : Because your answer was stupid! Those chairs were very avant-garde!

  Ben Harper : Ah! I rest my case!

• Susan Harper : [after realising she may be pregnant]  Ben, we're in this together. I really want your input.

  Ben Harper : You've already had my input - which is what got us into this mess in the first place!

• Ben Harper : Why do you always do this to me? You always say we'll think about things together. And then you rush off and decide things on your own.

  Susan Harper : Saves time!

• Susan Harper : Remember how adorable Nick was when he was a baby? Lying there with his little smile, completely helpless...

  Ben Harper : [pause]  Hasn't changed a bit, has he?

• Ben Harper : Susan, don't you think we're a little old to be having children?

  Susan Harper : [Gives a stern look] 

  Ben Harper : And by we, I mean me! Me being... too old to carry him on my shoulders, to teach him to swim or play football in the park.

  Susan Harper : What are you worried about? You never did that with the other kids.

  Ben Harper : Yes, but I could have.

  Susan Harper : On the other hand, maybe older means wiser. This time, we'll be better parents. And by we, I mean you!

• Susan Harper : Come on, Ben. You're not such a bad parent.

  Ben Harper : What? Where have you been for the last 20 years?

• Susan Harper : What are we going to do when the kids leave home?

  Ben Harper : Jumping for joy comes to mind!

• Ben Harper : [On the prospect of being a dad again]  Oh, god! I feel like I've come to the end of my prison sentence. And then I get 20 years added for 10 minutes' bad behaviour.

  Susan Harper : Three-and-a-half, actually.

• Susan Harper : I come from a long line of independent women.

  Ben Harper : You do not. You come from a long line of complainers.

  Susan Harper : We're independent and we complain. We can do two things at once!

• Janey Harper : Don't play the innocent with me, mum. I wasn't born yesterday.

  Susan Harper : I remember - I was there! Is your father up in the bedroom?

  Janey Harper : Er, is that all you can ever think about? That's how you got into this trouble in the first place! You have to understand there are consequences to your actions!

  Susan Harper : I know - I'm looking at one!

  Janey Harper : Don't take that tone with me! I don't know what you did in your day, but in mine we carry condoms!

  Susan Harper : Janey, Janey, I'm not pregnant.

  Janey Harper : You're not?

  Susan Harper : I thought I was, but I'm not. But thank you for your concern. What do you mean you carry condoms?

  Janey Harper : No time to chat, mum! I've got to make dinner!

• Ben Harper : [after being caught with a pregnancy test]  I just thought I'd buy a test so we could check things out.

  Susan Harper : Needn't bother. False alarm.

  Ben Harper : [Celebrates wildly] 

  Susan Harper : There's no need to be so happy!

  Ben Harper : I'm... I'm... Alright... I know, I know, I know...

  Susan Harper : Oh, stop it!

  Ben Harper : I'm sorry. I'm so... Hehe... Aren't you a bit relieved?

  Susan Harper : There's a difference between relief and acting like the village idiot.

• Susan Harper : Do you think discovering you're not pregnant is a turn-on?

  Ben Harper : Well, it works for me!

• Susan Harper : I must, I have to admit I don't want to go through all that again.

  Ben Harper : Well... the sex part was fun.

  Susan Harper : You know what I mean. We may not be so fortunate next time.

  Ben Harper : Well, erm, we're going to have to be more careful.

  Susan Harper : Oh, right. Nothing's foolproof.

  Ben Harper : Hmm?

  Susan Harper : Especially if we're in Paris and the birth control is in London.

  Ben Harper : The problem isn't birth control, Susan. The problem is you find me irresistible.

  Susan Harper : What can I say? I have low standards.

• Susan Harper : [after suggesting Ben have a vasectomy]  Come on, Ben! We've dodged the bullet long enough!

  Ben Harper : Oh, so now you want to use a knife? Good God, Susan! I go into a cold sweat when the doctor says "Cough!"

  Susan Harper : But at least think about it.

  Ben Harper : Yes, alright! I'm thinking! I'm, I'm, I'm... I'm thinking!

  Susan Harper : What, how to get out of it?

  Ben Harper : Yep!

• Susan Harper : [At a vasectomy clinic]  Oh, come on, Ben. Plenty of people have done this.

  Ben Harper : Name one person we know who's had it done.

  Susan Harper : Nigel.

  Ben Harper : Nigel's a cat!

  Susan Harper : But the principle's the same.

  Ben Harper : He didn't have a choice!

  Susan Harper : Neither do you!

• Susan Harper : [Stops chopping carrots]  Don't I get a kiss?

  Ben Harper : Only if you promise not to talk about the vasectomy.

  Susan Harper : I won't say a word.

  Ben Harper : Put that knife down first!

• Dr. Charles : I've never had an accident while operating. Last year alone, I've performed over 600 vasectomies.

  Ben Harper : I'm just a little worried about this one.

  Dr. Charles : Not to worry, Mr Harper. If anything goes wrong, we have a money-back guarantee.

  Ben Harper : Money-back gua... I'm not buying a video recorder! When I push play, I want it to play.

  Susan Harper : Oh, really? So why do you keep pushing fast forward?

• Susan Harper : [to Ben]  Buy a girl a drink?

  Man in Bar : I'll buy you a drink!

  Ben Harper : Excuse me! This happens to be my wife, thank you!

  Bartender : What, you're married to him?

  Susan Harper : I'm afraid so.

  Bartender : Well, then this one's on the house!

  Ben Harper : She'll have a white wine.

  Bartender : A chardonnay or zinfandel?

  Susan Harper : A double scotch, please.

• Ben Harper : What's for dinner?

  Susan Harper : Duck a l'orange. Nick's making it.

  Nick Harper : No, I'm not paying you to gab! How are those carrots coming?

  Susan Harper : Nick, could we have a minute?

  Nick Harper : But the duck's almost ready! And ze duck waits for no one!

  Susan Harper : Out!

  Nick Harper : Very well! I can see my head chef's hat means nothing to you!