My Family (TV Series)

The Unkindest Cut (2001)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Nick Harper : Oh my God, you have a mistress. How continental.

  Ben Harper : I do not have a mistress.

  Nick Harper : Ah, denying it, how British.

• Ben Harper : [after Susan revealed she may be pregnant]  Susan! You can't say something like that and just walk out!

  Susan Harper : Oh, so now you want to talk?

  Ben Harper : Yes, but... how... how did this happen?

  Susan Harper : Do I have to explain this every time? Nick - how did this happen? Janey - how did this happen? Michael... well, we both said how did this happen.

  Ben Harper : Well, at least that proves there is a God... and he hates me!

• Dr. Charles : We perform a procedure known as the non-scalpel vasectomy, or NSV.

  Susan Harper : See, Ben? No scalpel.

  Ben Harper : Good. Good.

  Dr. Charles : Instead, we use sharpened forceps to create the incision in the scrotum.

  Ben Harper : Bad! Bad!

  Dr. Charles : I can assure you, Mr Harper, you will only feel a slight discomfort.

  Ben Harper : I'm a dentist! I know what 'slight discomfort' means - it means it hurts like hell!

• Susan Harper : [Deciding who should stop Janey and Michael arguing]  You or me?

  Ben Harper : I took out the bin bag.

  Susan Harper : I made dinner.

  Ben Harper : That's why it was so heavy.

• Ben Harper : [Watching a football game]  Oh-ho, yes! He shoots... yes, he scores! Yay!

  Susan Harper : I think I may be pregnant.

  Ben Harper : [Shocked]  What?

  Susan Harper : He shot, he scored, indeed!

• Susan Harper : Are you awake?

  Ben Harper : Yes, I'm awake. Strangely enough, I can't sleep. Maybe it's something to do with the casserole. Or wait - perhaps it's something to do with the fact that my wife thinks she might be pregnant!

  Susan Harper : Oh, please. Don't get all excited.

  Ben Harper : Perhaps you should have said that in Paris!

• Susan Harper : I want your opinion.

  Ben Harper : Oh, no, no way! I'm not falling for that again! Uh-huh! It's like those plastic inflatable chairs we had at the wedding. Remember that? You asked for my opinion, I told you what I thought, you just got angry!

  Susan Harper : Because your answer was stupid! Those chairs were very avant-garde!

  Ben Harper : Ah! I rest my case!

• Susan Harper : [after realising she may be pregnant]  Ben, we're in this together. I really want your input.

  Ben Harper : You've already had my input - which is what got us into this mess in the first place!

• Ben Harper : God! Baby this! Baby that! Everything baby, baby, baby...

  Dental Assistant : [Brings in a heavily pregnant patient]  Mr Harper, Mrs Ford's here for a check-up!

• Ben Harper : Hello? New girl?

  Dental Assistant : [On the phone, in a babyish voice]  Sowwy baby, but I weally have to go! No, no, you hang up! No, you hang up first! No, no, I wuv you! No, I wuv you more! No, you hang up!

  Ben Harper : [Snatches phone from her]  No, I hang up! Please, this is a surgery, not a bloody playschool!

  Dental Assistant : Mr Harper, you have no sense of romance! That was my boyfriend!

  Ben Harper : [Feigns sympathy]  I am so sorry. I... Oh, it was a personal call! I do beg your pardon! I thought you were ordering supplies! Now wun awong and get my fwigging patient!

• Mrs. Ford : We're all ready for our little bundle of joy!

  Ben Harper : Bundle of joy? You two haven't a clue what you're talking about, have you?

  Mrs. Ford : Excuse me?

  Ben Harper : Hmm?

  Dental Assistant : I don't think Mr Harper likes babies!

  Ben Harper : No, babies are fine. Babies are lovely, you know? But can you really trust them? Huh! You know, when they look at you with their cute little eyes, do you know what they're really thinking? They're just sizing you up looking for weak spots! First, they learn to talk only so that they can answer back! And then they learn to walk, so that they can walk into shops and walk out having spent your money! And then, they're off to school where they collect 'friends', so that they learn to hunt in packs! And finally when they're old enough to fly the nest, they don't! Look at you - you're fat, you're bloated, your feet ache, your back aches, you want to pee every 10 minutes! Well, enjoy it because this is as good as it gets!

  Mrs. Ford : You're horrible!

  Ben Harper : I'm not horrible! I'm a parent!

• Ben Harper : Why do you always do this to me? You always say we'll think about things together. And then you rush off and decide things on your own.

  Susan Harper : Saves time!

• Susan Harper : Remember how adorable Nick was when he was a baby? Lying there with his little smile, completely helpless...

  Ben Harper : [pause]  Hasn't changed a bit, has he?

• Ben Harper : Susan, don't you think we're a little old to be having children?

  Susan Harper : [Gives a stern look] 

  Ben Harper : And by we, I mean me! Me being... too old to carry him on my shoulders, to teach him to swim or play football in the park.

  Susan Harper : What are you worried about? You never did that with the other kids.

  Ben Harper : Yes, but I could have.

  Susan Harper : On the other hand, maybe older means wiser. This time, we'll be better parents. And by we, I mean you!

• Susan Harper : Come on, Ben. You're not such a bad parent.

  Ben Harper : What? Where have you been for the last 20 years?

• Susan Harper : What are we going to do when the kids leave home?

  Ben Harper : Jumping for joy comes to mind!

• Ben Harper : [On the prospect of being a dad again]  Oh, god! I feel like I've come to the end of my prison sentence. And then I get 20 years added for 10 minutes' bad behaviour.

  Susan Harper : Three-and-a-half, actually.

• Ben Harper : What are you doing?

  Nick Harper : I'm boning a haddock!

  Ben Harper : [Tries to walk away] 

  Nick Harper : Hey, where are you going? Come and sit! You notice you never seem to be able to sit around and talk?

  Ben Harper : Notice? I thank God for it every day! I know I may regret asking this, Nick, but why are you doing that at two in the morning?

  Nick Harper : Because if I did it when mum was awake, she'd try and take over.

  Ben Harper : Believe me, Nick, your mother would take over even in her sleep!

• Nick Harper : Everything I learned about being a man, I learned from you.

  Ben Harper : What are you talking about? I'm a terrible father. Huh! I don't even know what I'm doing here. Everything I say is wrong.

  Nick Harper : Nah, it's not true. You give me great advice. Remember that time we went camping when I was little, and I set the tent on fire? You said to me: "Nick, you can't ever learn anything in life without screwing up once in a while."

  Ben Harper : I never said that. I said "Nick, just for once, can't you ever learn anything without screwing up?"

  Nick Harper : You're right - you are a terrible father!

• Susan Harper : I come from a long line of independent women.

  Ben Harper : You do not. You come from a long line of complainers.

  Susan Harper : We're independent and we complain. We can do two things at once!

• Nick Harper : Did you get my shiitake mushrooms?

  Ben Harper : No, I did not get your shiitake mushrooms, Nick! They were too expensive! I got you plain mushrooms instead!

  Nick Harper : How do you expect me to be a four-star chef with one-star fungus?

  Ben Harper : I don't. I expect you try this latest career of yours until the first hint of frustration and then you throw up your hands and move on to some other hair-brained scheme.

  Nick Harper : I can't help it if I'm eclectic.

  Ben Harper : You what?

  Nick Harper : Eclectic. I'm interested in everything.

  Ben Harper : Meaning you have the attention span of a gnat.

• Nick Harper : What's this? You can afford £12 on an early pregnancy test, but you can't afford an extra 75p for mushrooms? I can't work under these conditions!

  Ben Harper : [Walks away with pregnancy test] 

  Nick Harper : [pause, then realises someone may be pregnant]  Who's pregnant?

• Ben Harper : [after being caught with a pregnancy test]  I just thought I'd buy a test so we could check things out.

  Susan Harper : Needn't bother. False alarm.

  Ben Harper : [Celebrates wildly] 

  Susan Harper : There's no need to be so happy!

  Ben Harper : I'm... I'm... Alright... I know, I know, I know...

  Susan Harper : Oh, stop it!

  Ben Harper : I'm sorry. I'm so... Hehe... Aren't you a bit relieved?

  Susan Harper : There's a difference between relief and acting like the village idiot.

• Susan Harper : Do you think discovering you're not pregnant is a turn-on?

  Ben Harper : Well, it works for me!

• Susan Harper : I must, I have to admit I don't want to go through all that again.

  Ben Harper : Well... the sex part was fun.

  Susan Harper : You know what I mean. We may not be so fortunate next time.

  Ben Harper : Well, erm, we're going to have to be more careful.

  Susan Harper : Oh, right. Nothing's foolproof.

  Ben Harper : Hmm?

  Susan Harper : Especially if we're in Paris and the birth control is in London.

  Ben Harper : The problem isn't birth control, Susan. The problem is you find me irresistible.

  Susan Harper : What can I say? I have low standards.

• Susan Harper : [after suggesting Ben have a vasectomy]  Come on, Ben! We've dodged the bullet long enough!

  Ben Harper : Oh, so now you want to use a knife? Good God, Susan! I go into a cold sweat when the doctor says "Cough!"

  Susan Harper : But at least think about it.

  Ben Harper : Yes, alright! I'm thinking! I'm, I'm, I'm... I'm thinking!

  Susan Harper : What, how to get out of it?

  Ben Harper : Yep!

• Susan Harper : [At a vasectomy clinic]  Oh, come on, Ben. Plenty of people have done this.

  Ben Harper : Name one person we know who's had it done.

  Susan Harper : Nigel.

  Ben Harper : Nigel's a cat!

  Susan Harper : But the principle's the same.

  Ben Harper : He didn't have a choice!

  Susan Harper : Neither do you!

• Susan Harper : [Stops chopping carrots]  Don't I get a kiss?

  Ben Harper : Only if you promise not to talk about the vasectomy.

  Susan Harper : I won't say a word.

  Ben Harper : Put that knife down first!

• Ben Harper : Another round for me and my pal.

  Bartender : Same again?

  Ben Harper : Don't know. Let me check.

  [Talks to his penis] 

  Ben Harper : Same again? OK!

  [to the barman] 

  Ben Harper : Yeah, same again.

  Bartender : Don't you think you two have had enough?

  Ben Harper : I have, but he can go on for hours!

• Dr. Charles : I've never had an accident while operating. Last year alone, I've performed over 600 vasectomies.

  Ben Harper : I'm just a little worried about this one.

  Dr. Charles : Not to worry, Mr Harper. If anything goes wrong, we have a money-back guarantee.

  Ben Harper : Money-back gua... I'm not buying a video recorder! When I push play, I want it to play.

  Susan Harper : Oh, really? So why do you keep pushing fast forward?

• Susan Harper : [to Ben]  Buy a girl a drink?

  Man in Bar : I'll buy you a drink!

  Ben Harper : Excuse me! This happens to be my wife, thank you!

  Bartender : What, you're married to him?

  Susan Harper : I'm afraid so.

  Bartender : Well, then this one's on the house!

  Ben Harper : She'll have a white wine.

  Bartender : A chardonnay or zinfandel?

  Susan Harper : A double scotch, please.

• Ben Harper : What's for dinner?

  Susan Harper : Duck a l'orange. Nick's making it.

  Nick Harper : No, I'm not paying you to gab! How are those carrots coming?

  Susan Harper : Nick, could we have a minute?

  Nick Harper : But the duck's almost ready! And ze duck waits for no one!

  Susan Harper : Out!

  Nick Harper : Very well! I can see my head chef's hat means nothing to you!

• Nick Harper : Just a little something special I whipped up for you.

  Ben Harper : Yeah?

  Nick Harper : Custard topped with cinnamon.

  Ben Harper : Wahey!

  Nick Harper : Try it.

  Ben Harper : My God, if I'd known I was going to get this attention, I'd have had this done years ago - like nine months before we had you! Hahaha! Wow, this is delicious!

  Nick Harper : This is your bill.

  Ben Harper : What? £50?

  Nick Harper : Well, I took the liberty of adding a 15% gratuity.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, would you take the liberty of ripping it up for me?