My Family (TV Series)

The Unkindest Cut (2001)

Daisy Haggard: Dental Assistant

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : God! Baby this! Baby that! Everything baby, baby, baby...

  Dental Assistant : [Brings in a heavily pregnant patient]  Mr Harper, Mrs Ford's here for a check-up!

• Ben Harper : Hello? New girl?

  Dental Assistant : [On the phone, in a babyish voice]  Sowwy baby, but I weally have to go! No, no, you hang up! No, you hang up first! No, no, I wuv you! No, I wuv you more! No, you hang up!

  Ben Harper : [Snatches phone from her]  No, I hang up! Please, this is a surgery, not a bloody playschool!

  Dental Assistant : Mr Harper, you have no sense of romance! That was my boyfriend!

  Ben Harper : [Feigns sympathy]  I am so sorry. I... Oh, it was a personal call! I do beg your pardon! I thought you were ordering supplies! Now wun awong and get my fwigging patient!

• Mrs. Ford : We're all ready for our little bundle of joy!

  Ben Harper : Bundle of joy? You two haven't a clue what you're talking about, have you?

  Mrs. Ford : Excuse me?

  Ben Harper : Hmm?

  Dental Assistant : I don't think Mr Harper likes babies!

  Ben Harper : No, babies are fine. Babies are lovely, you know? But can you really trust them? Huh! You know, when they look at you with their cute little eyes, do you know what they're really thinking? They're just sizing you up looking for weak spots! First, they learn to talk only so that they can answer back! And then they learn to walk, so that they can walk into shops and walk out having spent your money! And then, they're off to school where they collect 'friends', so that they learn to hunt in packs! And finally when they're old enough to fly the nest, they don't! Look at you - you're fat, you're bloated, your feet ache, your back aches, you want to pee every 10 minutes! Well, enjoy it because this is as good as it gets!

  Mrs. Ford : You're horrible!

  Ben Harper : I'm not horrible! I'm a parent!