- Scott Tailor: [after asking Ben if he could pay the cab for him] Oh, and while you're at it, could you bring in my bags?
- Ben: Yeah.
- Scott Tailor: Thanks, "old chap".
- Ben: [in a Cockney accent] Oh, not at all, guv'nor. Plinky, plonky, blimey guv'nor!
- Nick Harper: I'm having the weirdest dream. Dad's kissing a Beatle.
- Janey Harper: Couldn't you just say "Good Morning" like a normal person?
- Nick Harper: I think it's Ringo.
- Janey Harper: Obviously not.
- Nick Harper: Think I'll just get back to bed and wake up.
- Janey Harper: Earth to idiot, you're not dreaming.
- Nick Harper: Oh right. And if I was awake, would I be able to do this?
- [jabs fork into arm]
- Nick Harper: [long pause] I'm awake, aren't I.
- Janey Harper: Michael gets all the attention; Nick, he's just an idiot; Mum and Dad are so wrapped up in all their stuff they never listen to me...
- Stephanie: Why are you telling me all this?
- Janey Harper: You asked for a statement.
- Janey Harper: Uh, Mum, I can't believe it. One dead guy, and all of a sudden you've gone goth.
- Susan: Does everything, no matter how awful, come down to fashion?
- Janey Harper: Well, yeah.
- Stephanie: I don't know why I'm so attracted to you.
- Nick Harper: Ah, there must be a million reasons.
- Stephanie: No. There's something in your eyes that says...
- Nick Harper: Amore?
- Stephanie: Danger.
- Nick Harper: Yeah, I get that a lot.
- Stephanie: I've always been drawn to danger. That's why I got into this job.
- Nick Harper: I've always liked danger too. That's why I got into... whatever it is I'm going to get into.
- Stephanie: Can I ask you something?
- Nick Harper: Once. But I didn't inhale.
- Stephanie: Why has your mum got this urge to confess?
- Nick Harper: Mum thinks she talked him to death, and Janey thinks it was the food.
- Stephanie: And what do you think?
- Nick Harper: I think you're not wearing a bra.
- [First lines - Susan is dressed as one of The Beatles]
- Ben: Don't tell me - you've done something with your hair.
- Susan: I'm happy one of us is enjoying my humiliation!
- Ben: And I'm happy if you're happy.
- Susan: Well, I'm not! I can't believe they're making us wear these stupid costumes!
- Ben: I don't know. It's not so bad.
- Susan: Yesterday, I was a Beefeater.
- Ben: Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...
- Susan: I'm serious, Ben! Ever since that American company took over, it's been miserable!
- Ben: Oh.
- Susan: They have me cramming in more tours, hawking cheap souvenirs and working longer hours.
- Ben: I know, it's like you've been working 'Eight Days A Week' and... it's... it's not fair.
- Susan: Don't do that again!
- Ben: No, I'll 'Let It... ' drop.
- Michael Harper: [On his laptop] Do you have to watch TV in here?
- Janey Harper: Er, am I bothering you?
- Michael Harper: Yes.
- Janey Harper: Then that answers your question!
- [Nick jumps on the sofa and the others rate him]
- Michael Harper: I'll give it an 8.5.
- Janey Harper: Ah, I seem more like a 3.
- Nick Harper: A 3? I'm a perfect performer! My extension was flawless!
- Janey Harper: Yeah, but you get a five-point deduction - mum saw you!
- Susan: My boss is coming for dinner, so I want some help cleaning up around here.
- Michael Harper: I think the place looks OK.
- Susan: Which is why you wear glasses! This place is a mess!
- Janey Harper: No, it's not. It looks lived-in.
- Susan: By a herd of goats!
- Susan: I need you to clean the guest toilet.
- Ben: Why? Why clean the guest toilet? We only clean the guest toilet when we've got a gun... we've got a guest?
- Susan: Scott phoned from the airport. I invited him round for dinner.
- Ben: Ah, Susan. Look, does it have to be tonight? I mean, couldn't Scott come round for dinner another night... Scott? Who's Scott?
- Susan: You know Scott Tailor, my new boss?
- Ben: Oh, yeah. I know him as 'that cretinous toad'.
- Susan: He's in from America and he wants to dine in a typical English home with typical English food.
- Ben: Oh. What's he coming here for, then?
- Susan: Ben, much as I'd love to engage in witty repartee with you, I don't have the time and you don't have the wit.
- Susan: Nick!
- Nick Harper: [Tries to run from Susan, but fails] Love to help, mum. But I've got this fake limp.
- Susan: Fake limp?
- Nick Harper: I'm sorry. I'm a really bad liar, so why waste our time?
- Susan: Get £20 from my purse and take Janey and Michael out for dinner.
- Nick Harper: £20? Do you think £20 will do it?
- Susan: Alright, £30.
- Nick Harper: Ah, only £30? Do I have to remind you of my fake disability?
- Susan: £40!
- Ben: [from the other room] £50 if you leave now!
- Susan: Aaah! Another week's work done!
- Susan: Don't take Michael out to a pub.
- Nick Harper: Oh, come on, mum! I know better than to do something like that!
- Ben: What? The last time, you tried to pass him off as a midget!
- Scott Tailor: [Eats Susan's shepherd's pie] Mmmm! That is delicious!
- Ben: Really?
- Susan: Some people appreciate fine cuisine!
- Scott Tailor: I haven't had a meal this tasty since the chicken supreme on easyJet!
- [Susan frowns and Ben smiles]
- Susan: I was... I was... I was *this* close!
- Ben: Hmm? What, to losing your job?
- Susan: To winning him over. I've got him on the ropes.
- Ben: You've got him in our bed - with acid reflux, whatever that is.
- Susan: Come on. There is a bright side to all of this.
- Ben: Susan, he's wearing my bath robes, using my toothbrush, sleeping on my pillow. That is not a bright side. That is the fires of Hell!
- Susan: So, Scott, I was hoping we could discuss the direction the company is heading. I have a few suggestions I'd like to run by you.
- Scott Tailor: Absolutely! I love hearing fresh ideas!
- [to his tape recorder]
- Scott Tailor: Note to myself: Susan may have some interesting ideas for the company.
- Susan: Well, I was thinking, we should consider getting rid of the costumes. While they are novel, I feel that they actually distract tourists from the things they should be experiencing.
- Scott Tailor: Interesting. Hold that thought.
- [to his tape recorder]
- Scott Tailor: Not to myself: cancel that last note!
- Susan: Take your International London tour, for instance.
- Scott Tailor: What about it?
- Susan: Well, just look at the itinerary: the Gap store, lunch at McDonald's, Niketown, followed up by Planet Hollywood. At the end of the day, they don't even know they've been in London!
- Scott Tailor: That's why you're dressed as a Beefeater!
- Susan: There's more to history than stupid costumes!
- Scott Tailor: Er, Sue? History is old news!
- Susan: Note to self: this man is an idiot!
- Susan: Sue, it's a fact. We've done the studies. People don't come to England for the history. People come to England to see where Diana died.
- Scott Tailor: Then they would need to go to Paris!
- Susan: You see? That's the British 'Can't do' attitude I'm talking about!
- Scott Tailor: As opposed to the American 'Will do anything for a buck' attitude?
- Susan: [Arguing with Susan] Do I have to remind you who you're talking to?
- Scott Tailor: No! I have an attention span!
- Susan: What's that supposed to mean?
- Scott Tailor: Perhaps I should put on my sarcastic outfit, then you might get it!
- Ben: Coffee? Just to make you feel at home, Scott, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup!
- Scott Tailor: No, no, no! No coffee for me! I feel sick! Your wife has triggered my acid reflux!
- Ben: I know, I know. Isn't she marvellous?
- [Susan and Ben are sleeping on the living room couch, while her overweight boss is sleeping in their bed upstairs]
- Susan: Let's pretend that we're out camping. You and I. Alone with nature. Look, Ben! Look! All the stars are out! Isn't it romantic?
- Ben: Yeah... Look, you can see a crack in the ceiling - made by the weight of a man sleeping in my bed!
- Nick Harper: How did you get home?
- Michael Harper: Like you care.
- Nick Harper: I don't. I'm just curious!
- Ben: Erm... Susan, erm... Scott has, erm... moved on.
- Susan: Oh, don't be silly, Ben! He wouldn't have left without saying goodbye!
- Ben: Ah, er... he might!
- Susan: Why send a boy to do a man's job? Michael, go and wake him.
- Ben: No! I don't... I don't want anyone up there, OK?
- Susan: Ben, what's going on?
- Ben: He's, erm... H-h-h-he's... he's...
- Nick Harper: Superman!
- Ben: He's... he's... Oh, for God's sake - he's dead!
- Susan: WHAT?
- Nick Harper: OK, scratch Superman!
- Ben: Yeah!
- Susan: Oh, my God!
- Ben: I just... I didn't want to tell you in front of the kids.
- Michael Harper: There's a dead body, here?
- Janey Harper: That's so awful and sad.
- Susan: Where are you going?
- Janey Harper: [Excited] Well, I have to tell my friends!
- [the police are in the house investigating Scott's death]
- Susan: I know what he's writing. 'She did it'.
- Ben: What? What on earth are you talking about?
- Susan: Ben, don't you see? If I hadn't argued with him, he'd still be alive! Oh, I feel so guilty!
- Ben: You argue with me all the time - you don't feel guilty about that!
- Susan: You're not dead - yet!
- Susan: So, Scott, how was your flight?
- Scott Tailor: Cheap! I traded my first class ticket in for one in economy and made myself $2,300! Ker-ching, ker-ching!
- Susan: Imagine if you flew cargo!
- Scott Tailor: If they threw in bonus miles, I would!
- Inspector: We've just about finished here.
- Susan: I did it!
- Inspector: I beg your pardon?
- Ben: It's alright. You'll have to forgive my wife. She got a psychological disorder - she won't listen!
- Susan: We had a disagreement and then... and then I killed him.
- Ben: See?
- Inspector: Oh. Just what did you kill him with?
- Susan: The full force of my argument.
- Ben: A blunt instrument!
- Nick Harper: I've advised my client not to talk without her lawyer present.
- Inspector: Who are you?
- Nick Harper: Her lawyer!
- Inspector: Oh, I see! So she can talk now?
- Nick Harper: I've also advised her not to talk when I'm present!
- Susan: H-he's my son.
- Inspector: I never would have guessed!
- Susan: Scott, welcome to London!
- Scott Tailor: Susan, thank you so much for inviting me to dinner! Oh, I brought a little... something!
- Susan: Oh, tiny little airline soaps! These will come in handy!
- Ben: Yeah, won't they, when we move to Lilliput!
- Ben: Hi, Scott! Heard great many things about you!
- Scott Tailor: All good, I hope!
- Ben: Yeah, well, I certainly enjoyed them!
- Scott Tailor: What a great house! I just love English decor!
- Susan: Well, thank you! I did it myself!
- Scott Tailor: The way that nothing matches with anything - so garish and so simple at the same time!
- Susan: Then you should feel right at home!
- Susan: Here we are! My famous shepherd's pie!
- Scott Tailor: Ah! I could eat a horse!
- Ben: Well, this is your lucky day!
- Ben: Er, Michael? I thought your mother told you to stay downstairs.
- Michael Harper: But the body's upstairs. By the way, my preliminary investigation indicates cardiopulmonary attack. Estimated time of death between 2.25 and 3.45.
- Ben: Just let the officers do their job, OK?
- Inspector: Actually, he's spot on!
- Nick Harper: [Shows off a female cop's phone number] Her name's Stephanie!
- Janey Harper: What, you actually got her number? Er, what did you say to her?
- Nick Harper: Told her I had a bomb in my trousers!
- Janey Harper: That's pathetic!
- Nick Harper: Yeah, but it worked!
- Priest: Shall we just get right to the confessions, then?
- Susan: Right. Right. To be honest, I... I'm not sure how this works. I've seen films...
- Priest: Well, you tell me your sins and I give you a penance. For instance, have you taken the Lord's name in vain or had any impure thoughts?
- Susan: Of course, but that's not why I'm here!
- Susan: I killed a man.
- Priest: Really?
- Susan: That is a sin, right?
- Priest: Yes! One of the biggest!
- Susan: I didn't mean to do it!
- Priest: No, no, of course not!
- Susan: You see, my boss and I were having this... healthy debate about his new company policies...
- Priest: [Excited] Yes! Yes! Go on!
- Susan: ...all of them completely idiotic! Anyway, things got out of hand...
- Priest: [Excited] Ooh!
- Susan: ...we had an argument and...
- Priest: And?
- Susan: ...he had a heart attack!
- Priest: [Disappointed] That's it?
- Ben: [Laying out a new bed] Janey, a little help?
- Janey Harper: I don't see why you get a new bed and I don't.
- Ben: Next time someone dies in your bed, we'll buy you a new one! Now come on, I want to get this mattress downstairs!
- Janey Harper: What's the magic word?
- Ben: I haven't got time for this! Please, look... Let's get rid of this one before the new mattress arrives!
- Janey Harper: Magic word?
- Ben: Please?
- Janey Harper: That's not it. Try again.
- Ben: There's about to be someone else dead on this mattress!
- Janey Harper: The magic word is 'money'!
- Ben: Yeah, right! Mikey, come on! Give us a hand! Come on!
- Michael Harper: She's got a point, dad. Surely, you don't want us to work without compensation?
- Ben: Very funny! Now, after three - ready?
- Janey Harper: This isn't a sweatshop, you know?
- Ben: One...
- Michael Harper: You wouldn't want to run foul of the child labour laws.
- Ben: Michael, I'm your father, not your boss!
- Michael Harper: That's really just semantics, isn't it?
- Ben: Look! Just pack it in, the pair of you! If you don't help now, I'm going to ground you for a month!
- Janey Harper: Yeah, right! We both know the last thing you want is us hanging around you for a month!
- Ben: Yeah... right! Hah! Just try me!
- [pause]
- Ben: Fine! OK! £5 each?
- [Michael and Janey finally move the bed]
- Ben: Susan, you want me to be supportive - and I am. So, here goes. You are a very small person in a very big universe. And in your wonderful but insignificant life, things just happen regardless of what you say, wish or do.
- Susan: When does the support part begin?
- Ben: That was it.
- Susan: I may be a very small person, but I have very big ideas.
- Ben: And a mouth to match!