- Susan: Oh, God.
- Ben: It's all right, they're only raisins.
- Susan: No, no, no, my filling's fallen out.
- Ben: Oh really? Which one?
- Susan: The new one.
- Ben: Oh, the new one.
- Susan: Could you have a look?
- Ben: Well I could, but I'm not your dentist any more, am I?
- Susan: Oh for God's sake, Ben, this is no time to behave like, well, like you always do.
- Ben: Don't come running to me. Surfing Mel botched it, surfing Mel can fix it.
- Susan: I don't believe this.
- Ben: Where are you going?
- Susan: Your idea - Surfing Mel can fix it.
- Ben: Really, shouldn't you be making an appointment first?
- Susan: Oh, don't worry. That's the great thing about Mel. He's always got time for me.
- Ben: Is that defecating rodent still here?
- Nick: All right, I was going anyway.
- Ben: Another dentist! Have you ever heard anything so disloyal?
- Brigitte: I think it's a disgrace.
- Ben: Thank you. At last someone who sees it my way.
- Brigitte: No, I think it's a disgrace you can't make any time for your children. It's like the story of the cobbler's children who had no food.
- Ben: No, it's the story of the cobbler's children who had no shoes.
- Brigitte: That makes no sense, their dad was a cobbler.
- Ben: Let me tell you the story of a dental assistant who had no job.
- Ben: So, that was, er...
- Nick: My internet girlfriend! Bloody gorgeous, wasn't she?
- Janey: Yeah, how did you do it? I know - you pretended to be a really fit guy.
- Nick: Well... not exactly.
- Ben: You didn't? Yes, you did... You pretended to be a woman!
- Nick: Yeah - and it nearly worked!
- Ben: What do you mean, it nearly worked? It didn't work! There was no way it was going to work!
- Nick: Yeah, but it was worth the risk!
- Ben: You're such a loser!
- Nick: Me? You're the one who owes me £50! Cash, mate - no cheques!
- Ben: Our son has just come out - as a lesbian!
- Susan: Yes, dear. But that won't change the way we feel about him.
- Ben: Believe me, Susan, nothing could ever change that!
- Janey: He started telling me a story.
- Susan: What kind of story?
- Janey: The story about the kitten who didn't floss.
- Susan: The kitten who didn't floss?
- Ben: Yeah, the kitten who didn't floss and then it ended up with lots of cavities, it's a good story.
- Janey: Yeah, it's a children's story. Mel thinks I'm a child so he's just like you, dad. Makes me want to throw up.
- Ben: What, no school today?
- Janey: No, I've got the dentist.
- Ben: Ah, great... What? What do you mean? Hang on a minute, I'm the dentist! I can't remember booking you in, unless the prospect was so awful I screened you out.
- Susan: I booked her into another dentist.
- Ben: You did what?
- Susan: Janey's had an appointment with you for six months now and you keep fobbing her off.
- Ben: I do *not* keep fobbing her off. I've been fobbing her forward.
- Susan: Fine. But if we wait that long, she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you.
- Ben: Susan, paying patients come first.
- Susan: That's right, your family always comes second.
- Ben: Against TV, golf, and football that's not bad going. Where did you find this dentist, on a card in a phone box?
- Susan: Yellow Pages.
- Ben: Oh, Yellow Pages! Oh, I see. Well they don't take *anyone* in Yellow Pages.
- Janey: Oh, calm down, dad. One dentist is pretty much the same as another.
- Ben: [shouting] They most certainly are not!
- Janey: No, you're right. Because some dentists aren't rude, grumpy and think an effective painkiller is shouting "Shut up!"
- Ben: It is effective! It makes me feel better!
- Ben: [to Michael's rabbit] I mean, you can see why I'm so hurt, can't you? Sure I'm a husband and a father, but above all I'm a dentist. A family dentist. That's what I do. That's what I am. And if my family can't respect me as a husband or a father, then surely they can respect me as a family dentist, otherwise... what's the point of me? Mmm? No point.
- [clucks to the rabbit]
- Ben: Eh, fancy another? Come on, let your fur down. You know, we're quite alike, me and you. Yeah. I mean... Well I mean, we've different backgrounds: me a professional man with a family and a home and you a bunny rabbit with long floppy ears and a twitchy nose, but we're quite alike. You know why? Because we both live in cages. That's right. Except you can't see the bars in mine. Oh, yes, I think I've had enough.
- Susan: Now, just so that you understand, your father's going to explain what's been happening. Ben?
- Ben: Why should I explain? You'll only interrupt.
- Susan: I only interrupt when you digress.
- Ben: I do not digress. You digress.
- Susan: I don't digress, I build a framework.
- Ben: A framework. It's like a bloody scaffold.
- [first lines]
- Susan: Toast. Janey, what have I told you about painting your nails at the table?
- Janey: Whatever it was I wasn't listening.
- Michael: Mum, where are my football boots?
- Susan: Where were they when you last had them?
- Michael: On my feet.
- Susan: So wise so young, they say, do not live long.
- Michael: What?
- Susan: I am not your slave.
- Nick: Why do you always give me things that are broken?
- Ben: Because you always break them!
- Nick: [about Ben's laptop] I didn't break it. It just got a little damp.
- Ben: Nick, 'portable' does not mean 'submergible'.
- Nick: Hmm... It didn't say that in the instructions!
- Susan: How do you know? You didn't read the instructions.
- Nick: Well, I didn't want to get the pages wet!
- Ben: Why don't we go out tomorrow night?
- Susan: Alright.
- Ben: [pause] Excuse me?
- Susan: I said 'Alright'.
- Ben: Stop it, Susan. Stop laying the guilt trip on me. OK, OK. If I let Unsworth down again, he'll go somewhere else.
- Susan: All I said was 'Alright'.
- Ben: Yeah, al... There you go again! You see? You can't stop it, can you? It's just guilt, guilt, guilt - it's unbearable! I mean, you know, you must be really upset!
- Susan: Ben, I understand. I am not upset.
- Michael: Mum! Football boots!
- Susan: Didn't you hear me? Take some responsibility for yourself!
- Ben: Hey! Why are you angry with him and not angry with me?
- Susan: Because with him, there's still a point.
- Susan: If you really need a computer, why don't you borrow Michael's?
- Nick: 'Cause it's... sort of personal.
- Susan: You're not chatting up girls on the internet again?
- Ben: What do you mean 'again'? What, you've done this kind of thing before?
- Nick: Yeah, and it worked really well! Talia, her name was. This 19-year-old cellist from Prague. We had a really deep and rewarding e-relationship going.
- Susan: ...until Talia turned out to be a 48-year-old gas fitter called Stuart from Sunderland!
- Nick: [pause] Alright! So he was a man! It meant a lot to me while it lasted!
- Ben: You know when parents say they'll love you, no matter what? They're lying.
- Janey: You know, what really impresses a girl, Nick, is when a boy takes an interest in her clothes.
- Nick: Great! Thanks!
- Janey: Why not ask her what colour her knickers are? You know, I think my teeth look wonderful.
- Nick: They're yellow.
- Janey: No, they're not! They're pearlescent!
- Nick: No. Isabelle's knickers!
- Janey: She told you? What a slag!
- Susan: What is that?
- Michael: It's a rabbit.
- Susan: I can see it's a rabbit, but... *what* is it?
- Michael: Well, I wanted a rabbit, so I bought a rabbit.
- Susan: But you didn't ask our permission.
- Michael: Well... I'm rebelling.
- Susan: A rebel with a rabbit?
- Michael: You told me to take more responsibility.
- Susan: I say a lot of things. I told your father he looked good in a tank top.
- Michael: Well, this is a symbol of my independence.
- Susan: That's nice, dear. Take it back to the shop.
- Michael: If you make me take it back, I'll never believe anything you say again. I'll become aimless and remote. And my schoolwork will suffer.
- Janey: He'll become another Nick!
- Susan: [to the rabbit] Welcome to your new home!
- Susan: [after seeing Nick and Ben viewing porn] Someone you know? Is this how you spend your time?
- Ben: It's, erm... it's...
- Nick: It's, er...
- Ben: It's what?
- Nick: ...it's father and son bonding.
- Ben: Oh, no, it's not!
- Susan: No! Those definitely weren't two men!
- Ben: It's not what you think it is, Susan.
- Susan: Pathetic is what I think it is. Although Nick has the excuse of being emotionally retarded.
- Ben: Cheers, mum!
- Ben: Since you're so good at explaining, why don't you explain one or two things to me?
- Susan: Like what?
- Ben: Like how you apparently *forgot* to tell me about your little dental adventure?
- Susan: Honestly! It's not like I'm having an affair with him!
- Ben: Susan, he's an Australian! They'll have anything in a dress!
- Susan: Anything in a dress?
- Ben: Er, perhaps if you went out and came in again...
- Susan: So, I'm anything in a dress?
- Ben: ...I expect you'll soon forget I even said this.
- Susan: Anything in a dress?
- Ben: I didn't think so.
- Susan: I don't know which is more insulting: that you think I'm anything in a dress or you think I'd be so stupid enough to fall for a dentist a second time!
- Ben: That's the point: he's *a* dentist! I'm *the* dentist! If you'd come to *the* dentist in the first place, none of this would have happened!
- Susan: Well, that's you all over, is it? Whatever the problem, whatever happens, it is never, ever your fault!
- Ben: You know whose fault it is?
- Susan: Whose?
- Ben: That bloody rabbit! Ever since it moved in here, it has been nothing but trouble!
- Ben: Alright, Michael. The thing is, your mother has been very silly. She's been seeing another dentist.
- Susan: I think what your father's trying to say, he's being very arrogant and not seeing anyone else's point of view.
- Ben: Or to put it more simply, your mother thinks she's always right when in fact she's always wrong!
- Susan: Although, how would he know anything about anything when he spend all his time fanning around with his patients and lets his own family go to pot?
- Ben: Whereas your mother thinks that money grows on trees and new handbags sprout little legs and magically leave the shop and enter your house?
- Susan: Whilst your father, although a qualified dentist, believes that children's teeth are magically repaired by the tooth fairy if he ignores them for years...
- Ben: Despite all this, your mother knows that she'll never find a bigger sucker as me!
- Susan: And your father knows he'll never find anyone else who'll have him!
- Ben: That's why we're not getting divorced!
- Michael: Thanks, mum! Thanks, dad! I'll sleep easy tonight!