My Family (TV Series)

Serpent's Tooth (2000)

Daniela Denby-Ashe: Janey Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben : So, that was, er...

  Nick : My internet girlfriend! Bloody gorgeous, wasn't she?

  Janey : Yeah, how did you do it? I know - you pretended to be a really fit guy.

  Nick : Well... not exactly.

  Ben : You didn't? Yes, you did... You pretended to be a woman!

  Nick : Yeah - and it nearly worked!

  Ben : What do you mean, it nearly worked? It didn't work! There was no way it was going to work!

  Nick : Yeah, but it was worth the risk!

  Ben : You're such a loser!

  Nick : Me? You're the one who owes me £50! Cash, mate - no cheques!

  Ben : Our son has just come out - as a lesbian!

  Susan : Yes, dear. But that won't change the way we feel about him.

  Ben : Believe me, Susan, nothing could ever change that!

• Janey : He started telling me a story.

  Susan : What kind of story?

  Janey : The story about the kitten who didn't floss.

  Susan : The kitten who didn't floss?

  Ben : Yeah, the kitten who didn't floss and then it ended up with lots of cavities, it's a good story.

  Janey : Yeah, it's a children's story. Mel thinks I'm a child so he's just like you, dad. Makes me want to throw up.

• Ben : What, no school today?

  Janey : No, I've got the dentist.

  Ben : Ah, great... What? What do you mean? Hang on a minute, I'm the dentist! I can't remember booking you in, unless the prospect was so awful I screened you out.

  Susan : I booked her into another dentist.

  Ben : You did what?

  Susan : Janey's had an appointment with you for six months now and you keep fobbing her off.

  Ben : I do *not* keep fobbing her off. I've been fobbing her forward.

  Susan : Fine. But if we wait that long, she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you.

  Ben : Susan, paying patients come first.

  Susan : That's right, your family always comes second.

  Ben : Against TV, golf, and football that's not bad going. Where did you find this dentist, on a card in a phone box?

  Susan : Yellow Pages.

  Ben : Oh, Yellow Pages! Oh, I see. Well they don't take *anyone* in Yellow Pages.

  Janey : Oh, calm down, dad. One dentist is pretty much the same as another.

  Ben : [shouting]  They most certainly are not!

  Janey : No, you're right. Because some dentists aren't rude, grumpy and think an effective painkiller is shouting "Shut up!"

  Ben : It is effective! It makes me feel better!

• Michael : [poking his food]  What is this?

  Susan : Toad in the hole, but we don't have any sausages.

  Janey : So it's just hole.

  Susan : It's not just hole. It's French. It's toad en vacances.

• [first lines] 

  Susan : Toast. Janey, what have I told you about painting your nails at the table?

  Janey : Whatever it was I wasn't listening.

  Michael : Mum, where are my football boots?

  Susan : Where were they when you last had them?

  Michael : On my feet.

  Susan : So wise so young, they say, do not live long.

  Michael : What?

  Susan : I am not your slave.

• Ben : [Sees Janey painting her nails]  Ah, purple! Oh, that's nice! It gives you that finger-slammed-in-the-car-door look!

  Janey : Mazda or BMW?

• Nick : You see, the problem with chatting to a girl on the internet is they miss out on the full Nick Harper experience. You know, the piercing blue eyes? The easy smile?

  Janey : The smell?

• Janey : You know, what really impresses a girl, Nick, is when a boy takes an interest in her clothes.

  Nick : Great! Thanks!

  Janey : Why not ask her what colour her knickers are? You know, I think my teeth look wonderful.

  Nick : They're yellow.

  Janey : No, they're not! They're pearlescent!

  Nick : No. Isabelle's knickers!

  Janey : She told you? What a slag!

• Nick : [Describing his internet girlfriend]  She's French, she's called Isabelle, she's a swimwear model and her father is the chairman of a major electronics business.

  Janey : Does the phrase 'Pull the other one' mean anything to you?

  Nick : [pause]  Ah, you think she's got a sister?

• Susan : What is that?

  Michael : It's a rabbit.

  Susan : I can see it's a rabbit, but... *what* is it?

  Michael : Well, I wanted a rabbit, so I bought a rabbit.

  Susan : But you didn't ask our permission.

  Michael : Well... I'm rebelling.

  Susan : A rebel with a rabbit?

  Michael : You told me to take more responsibility.

  Susan : I say a lot of things. I told your father he looked good in a tank top.

  Michael : Well, this is a symbol of my independence.

  Susan : That's nice, dear. Take it back to the shop.

  Michael : If you make me take it back, I'll never believe anything you say again. I'll become aimless and remote. And my schoolwork will suffer.

  Janey : He'll become another Nick!

  Susan : [to the rabbit]  Welcome to your new home!

• Janey : You're just jealous!

  Ben : Jealous? Why? Why should I be jealous?

  Janey : Because you see dentistry as a dark and horrible wasteland, whereas Mel... he sees it as a calling, filled with life, joy and hope!

  Ben : Well, he's obviously doing it wrong!