- Ben: Oh, come on, Mike. Come on! Scare me! Come on! Scare me! Try and put me down!
- Michael Harper: [finally snaps] You're losing your hair, you're getting turkey neck and the only reason you're a dentist is you failed to get into medical school.
- Susan: It seems Michael's having a bit of a problem with Jason Hodder.
- Ben: Hodder J, the little fat kid who smells like sour milk.
- Susan: No, no, that's Keith Burstall. Jason's the one with the itch.
- Ben: Ooh. Which end?
- Susan: No, that's Lee Matthews. Jason had the head lice. Spread through the school like wildfire.
- Ben: Mmh. I know I never thanked him properly for that. What's he spreading now? Cholera? Typhoid? Distemper?
- Susan: No, this time it's different. He's been picking on Michael. This morning he didn't want to go to school.
- Janey: Who *would* with a disgusting class like that?
- Ben: Yeah, I know. School's meant to be unpleasant. You know, to prepare you for life.
- Susan: What are you so worked up about?
- Ben: Michael. Michael. He called me a failed doctor.
- Susan: That's nothing, he called me a control freak.
- Ben: That's different, you are a control freak.
- Susan: I AM NOT!
- Ben: You stopped me going to medical school because you said becoming a dentist was quicker and I'd get more money.
- Ben: Where's the receipt for the new x-ray machine?
- Susan: In the file marked receipts under the letter 'X'.
- Ben: You've been tidying up again, haven't you?
- Susan: Oh thank you, Susan, for saving me so much time and trouble.
- Ben: When I put things under the tortoise, I expect to find it under the tortoise. Tidying up is just a way of controlling things, isn't it.
- Susan: If you had been a more organized person, maybe you could have been a doctor by now.
- Ben: If you'd have been five inches taller, blond, with long legs you could have been a doctor's wife by now.
- Ben: What? You stood up to Jason Hodder?
- Michael Harper: Well... sort of... I stood up and... Janey let him have it.
- Ben: Kidney dish!
- Brigitte McKay: You can have the kidney dish when you apologise.
- Ben: [to patient] Mr Fisher, have you met my part-time assistant? Funny thing is I'm paying her full time.
- Ben: [to Brigitte] All right, all right, I'm very sorry that I said you have the memory of a retarded glove puppet.
- Ben: When it comes to parenting, Susan, I put it down to the bird watching theory that, you know, you've got to keep your distance, keep very still and try not to scare them.
- [Nick is drinking milk directly from the bottle]
- Susan: Nick, were you born in a pigsty?
- Nick Harper: I dunno. You were there.
- Susan: Twenty-three hours of blissful labour. Even then you were slow.
- [last lines]
- Ben: So, son, do you think you've learnt anything from all this? You see, Michael, there is something you can take away with you that'll help you throughout your life. You wanna hear it?
- Michael: Not really.
- Ben: OK, it's this: None of it gets any better, but the more it happens the less it hurts.
- Michael: Thanks, dad.
- Ben: It's all right, son. That's all right.
- Nick: What?
- [first lines]
- Ben: [Ben has been awakened by birds] Hey, Susan. Hey, Susan. Come on, you're the nature lover. come on.
- [Brigitte has confiscated the scaler]
- Ben: All right. I'm sorry I said Celine Dion sounded like a cat trapped in a dogs' home.
- Ben: [to Michael] Go on, try and scare me! And I'll show you how to react, okay? Come on, come on, put me down. Try and scare me!
- Nick Harper: Your tax return has to be in by Wednesday.
- Ben: [Genuinely shocked and regretful] Oh my god! I'd forgotten!
- Nick Harper: You haven't even begun to do your books!
- Ben: Oh Shi...!
- Nick Harper: If you're late this time there'll be a whopping fine!
- Ben: Oh all right you pillock! Get out! Go on!
- Nick Harper: Sticks and stones...
- Ben: Yeah, don't give me any ideas okay?
- Ben: You see Michael, deep down all bullies are cowards.
- Michael Harper: [Cutting his Dad off] Jason isn't he's really scary!
- Nick Harper: Yeah he made the gym teacher wet his pants.