My Family (TV Series)

Pain in the Class (2000)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan : It seems Michael's having a bit of a problem with Jason Hodder.

  Ben : Hodder J, the little fat kid who smells like sour milk.

  Susan : No, no, that's Keith Burstall. Jason's the one with the itch.

  Ben : Ooh. Which end?

  Susan : No, that's Lee Matthews. Jason had the head lice. Spread through the school like wildfire.

  Ben : Mmh. I know I never thanked him properly for that. What's he spreading now? Cholera? Typhoid? Distemper?

  Susan : No, this time it's different. He's been picking on Michael. This morning he didn't want to go to school.

  Janey : Who *would* with a disgusting class like that?

  Ben : Yeah, I know. School's meant to be unpleasant. You know, to prepare you for life.

• Susan : You don't think I'm a control freak, do you?

  Ben : No. No, course not. You're more of a control... enthusiast.

• Susan : What are you so worked up about?

  Ben : Michael. Michael. He called me a failed doctor.

  Susan : That's nothing, he called me a control freak.

  Ben : That's different, you are a control freak.

  Susan : I AM NOT!

  Ben : You stopped me going to medical school because you said becoming a dentist was quicker and I'd get more money.

• Ben : Where's the receipt for the new x-ray machine?

  Susan : In the file marked receipts under the letter 'X'.

  Ben : You've been tidying up again, haven't you?

  Susan : Oh thank you, Susan, for saving me so much time and trouble.

  Ben : When I put things under the tortoise, I expect to find it under the tortoise. Tidying up is just a way of controlling things, isn't it.

  Susan : If you had been a more organized person, maybe you could have been a doctor by now.

  Ben : If you'd have been five inches taller, blond, with long legs you could have been a doctor's wife by now.

• Susan : How could you lie there while the forces of darkness close in on our son?

  Ben : Oh Susan, please, calm down. We're talking about a snotty-nosed school kid, not Jabba the Hutt.

• Susan : Oh my God, my daughter's a thug. That's no way to behave. Did anyone see you?

  Janey : No.

  Susan : Good girl.

• Susan : Do you want to tell the boys dinner's ready?

  Janey : That's right, make me the bringer of bad news.

• Ben : Mmm... This is, um... Isn't it? It's really um... It's, what is it?

  Susan : Nepalese Lamb Melange.

  Janey : You said we were having chicken.

  Susan : No, I didn't. I never name a dish until after I've tasted it. Bon appetit.

  Ben : Shouldn't that be 'Bonne chance'.

• [Nick is drinking milk directly from the bottle] 

  Susan : Nick, were you born in a pigsty?

  Nick Harper : I dunno. You were there.

  Susan : Twenty-three hours of blissful labour. Even then you were slow.

• Susan : Me? A control freak? All I care about is the happiness of my children.

  Janey : Great! So can I have a tattoo?

  Susan : No.

  Janey : Dad?

  Ben : Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam".