My Family (TV Series)

Pain in the Class (2000)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben : Oh, come on, Mike. Come on! Scare me! Come on! Scare me! Try and put me down!

  Michael Harper : [finally snaps]  You're losing your hair, you're getting turkey neck and the only reason you're a dentist is you failed to get into medical school.

• Susan : It seems Michael's having a bit of a problem with Jason Hodder.

  Ben : Hodder J, the little fat kid who smells like sour milk.

  Susan : No, no, that's Keith Burstall. Jason's the one with the itch.

  Ben : Ooh. Which end?

  Susan : No, that's Lee Matthews. Jason had the head lice. Spread through the school like wildfire.

  Ben : Mmh. I know I never thanked him properly for that. What's he spreading now? Cholera? Typhoid? Distemper?

  Susan : No, this time it's different. He's been picking on Michael. This morning he didn't want to go to school.

  Janey : Who *would* with a disgusting class like that?

  Ben : Yeah, I know. School's meant to be unpleasant. You know, to prepare you for life.

• Susan : You don't think I'm a control freak, do you?

  Ben : No. No, course not. You're more of a control... enthusiast.

• Susan : What are you so worked up about?

  Ben : Michael. Michael. He called me a failed doctor.

  Susan : That's nothing, he called me a control freak.

  Ben : That's different, you are a control freak.

  Susan : I AM NOT!

  Ben : You stopped me going to medical school because you said becoming a dentist was quicker and I'd get more money.

• Ben : Where's the receipt for the new x-ray machine?

  Susan : In the file marked receipts under the letter 'X'.

  Ben : You've been tidying up again, haven't you?

  Susan : Oh thank you, Susan, for saving me so much time and trouble.

  Ben : When I put things under the tortoise, I expect to find it under the tortoise. Tidying up is just a way of controlling things, isn't it.

  Susan : If you had been a more organized person, maybe you could have been a doctor by now.

  Ben : If you'd have been five inches taller, blond, with long legs you could have been a doctor's wife by now.

• Susan : How could you lie there while the forces of darkness close in on our son?

  Ben : Oh Susan, please, calm down. We're talking about a snotty-nosed school kid, not Jabba the Hutt.

• Ben : What? You stood up to Jason Hodder?

  Michael Harper : Well... sort of... I stood up and... Janey let him have it.

• Ben : What's going to happen to little Mikey when Xena Warrior Princess isn't around anymore?

  Janey : Oh, that's sorted. Jason knows if he acts up again the whole school'll find out he was beaten up by a girl.

• Ben : Kidney dish!

  Brigitte McKay : You can have the kidney dish when you apologise.

  Ben : [to patient]  Mr Fisher, have you met my part-time assistant? Funny thing is I'm paying her full time.

  Ben : [to Brigitte]  All right, all right, I'm very sorry that I said you have the memory of a retarded glove puppet.

• Ben : Mmm... This is, um... Isn't it? It's really um... It's, what is it?

  Susan : Nepalese Lamb Melange.

  Janey : You said we were having chicken.

  Susan : No, I didn't. I never name a dish until after I've tasted it. Bon appetit.

  Ben : Shouldn't that be 'Bonne chance'.

• Ben : When it comes to parenting, Susan, I put it down to the bird watching theory that, you know, you've got to keep your distance, keep very still and try not to scare them.

• [last lines] 

  Ben : So, son, do you think you've learnt anything from all this? You see, Michael, there is something you can take away with you that'll help you throughout your life. You wanna hear it?

  Michael : Not really.

  Ben : OK, it's this: None of it gets any better, but the more it happens the less it hurts.

  Michael : Thanks, dad.

  Ben : It's all right, son. That's all right.

  Nick : What?

• [first lines] 

  Ben : [Ben has been awakened by birds]  Hey, Susan. Hey, Susan. Come on, you're the nature lover. come on.

• Susan : Me? A control freak? All I care about is the happiness of my children.

  Janey : Great! So can I have a tattoo?

  Susan : No.

  Janey : Dad?

  Ben : Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam".

• [Brigitte has confiscated the scaler] 

  Ben : All right. I'm sorry I said Celine Dion sounded like a cat trapped in a dogs' home.

• Ben : [to Michael]  Go on, try and scare me! And I'll show you how to react, okay? Come on, come on, put me down. Try and scare me!

  Nick Harper : Your tax return has to be in by Wednesday.

  Ben : [Genuinely shocked and regretful]  Oh my god! I'd forgotten!

  Nick Harper : You haven't even begun to do your books!

  Ben : Oh Shi...!

  Nick Harper : If you're late this time there'll be a whopping fine!

  Ben : Oh all right you pillock! Get out! Go on!

  Nick Harper : Sticks and stones...

  Ben : Yeah, don't give me any ideas okay?

• Ben : You see Michael, deep down all bullies are cowards.

  Michael Harper : [Cutting his Dad off]  Jason isn't he's really scary!

  Nick Harper : Yeah he made the gym teacher wet his pants.